Wednesday, February 04, 2009


Some girls are bigger than others

I always assumed during the days of The Smiths that Morrissey was fairly tall.  Well, around the six foot mark - not basketball player tall, but not the usual pop star shortarse (pop stars are always about five foot four in real life, which is a bit of a let down if they were ones you had harboured a secret crush on, and you were fairly tall yourself.  Not that such a thing ever happened to me.  Oh no, of course not).

Judging by the picture above, though, Morrissey has shrunk height wise and, rather like a tampon, has expanded widthways.  Happens to us all, I suppose :(

He is now starting to resemble The Morrissey Lookalike.

One Sunday evening in about 1989, as a last resort, I ended up with some friends at a Smiths disco.

A Sunday evening spent at a Smiths disco.  This is about as forlorn as it gets really.  Mind you, this was the West Midlands.  We couldn't all hang out with Boy George, John Galliano and Tim Footman at the Wag Club listening to *pukka* rare groove tracks, could we?

Anyway, the climax to the evening at the Smiths disco was a Morrissey lookalike competition.  A number of clueless students attempted to dance for a couple of minutes to What Difference Does It Make? to little effect.

Then THEEE Morrissey Lookalike stepped up and wiped the floor with the opposition.

He had all the dance moves.  The arse sticking out, the twisting around on one foot, the finger waggling, the pained but wistful facial expressions.  He had the quiff, the jacket, the baggy jeans.

"He's the business, that one," one of the other competitors lamented.

Indeed he was.  The only real difference from Morrissey was that, rather than being skinny, tall, and long of chin, our lookalike was short and squat, with a wide face.

He looked like Morrissey if a piano had landed on him from a great height.

Obviously, he walked away with the main prize (dunno what that was - probably a couple of free tickets to see The Darling Buds or Mighty Mighty or somesuch rubbish and long forgotten band).

For the next few months, I saw him around at gigs occasionally, wearing that "yeah ... you probably DO know me from somewhere" look on his face.

Where is he now?  More importantly, in diametrical opposition to Morrissey, has he become tall and skinny?

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OMG Betty, OMG. Is that really our Morrissey?

With tan-lines that suggest that he's been wearing speedoes?

What is going on with the world?? I need to lie down.
So it was somehow difficult to mimic the rhythmically challenged Morrissey? Isn't that how most people dance after they've had the proverbial one-too-many?

He must have really been the sh*t over there eh? Very few people on this side of the Pond could have picked him out of Police Lineup?
He's just turning into the fat Mancunian Oirish Mick you see down the betting shop of a Satuturday afternoon. He'll be walking about with a rolled up copy of the Sun tucked in his back pocket before you know it.
Spin - yeah, those tan lines have been mentioned a lot on internet forums. Perhaps he has got a retirement home in Florida - or he's the last of the famous international playboys. Ho ho.

HE - It's difficult for British students to dance to anything. One of their legs is shorter than the other and both of their feets' too long. Morrissey was/is a "cult" figure with loads of obsessive fans. I suppose he has a following in America, but I'm surprised that anyone outside of Britain can "get" the cultural references. Apparently he has lots of Mexican fans, which is even more difficult to understand.

Garfer - judging by the photo above, he doesn't have a back pocket to put his copy of the Sun in, let alone his gladioli.
I've come over all peculiar.
Oh they're all breathing in except the big feller at the back.
Mighty Mighty have a myspacethingy if you want to singalong.

Middle age thickening as a moist tampon - just excellent.
I didn't go to the Wag Club. That's the whole blimmin' point. Cuh. *huff*
Doris - here, have a sit down and a cup of sugary tea. I'm glad you're back, and will endeavour to read the new post tomorrow, as I'm out in a bit.

Arabella - I need to pluck up courage to look up Mighty Mighty on Myspace. The years have just flown by, haven't they? I like to think that when you have middle aged spread you're like a flower in full bloom. Well, I like to convince myself of that ...

Tim - come on now, don't be modest. Actually, you don't hear much about John Galliano any more and Boy George is doing time. Hanging out dahn the Wag Club may not have been all it was cracked up to be after all.
She said, "I know you and you cannot sing",
I said "That's nothing, you should see me when a piano fell on me."
I have the single with Terrence Stamp on the cover!!!
hey, speak for yourself, coppens. we cool types knew who morrisey was, oh yes we did. *looks around nervously for people who knew her 'when'*

difficult to imagine that same voice coming out of mr. tanlines, though. oh the passage of times cruel brush etc etc.
Billy - I think I should have spelt it "pianer". It would've been more in keeping with a Smiths post.

Scarlet - I'll have to drag out all my Smiths singles. You know, I blow hot and cold with their music these days. Probably like a few of the singles at best - and the last album is okay. The artwork is consistently great though. Terence Stamp ... *fallopian tubes go into overdrive*

FN - I suppose Morrissey is still the petulant adolescent, which doesn't work very well if you're pushing fifty (is he fifty yet?). Mind you, as if I have room to criticise anyone else about that ... I haven't got any tanlines though. I hope.
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