Saturday, February 14, 2009


This is a Valentine's Day post.

As n e fule knoe, love makes the world go round. If you are single, you have failed as a human being and are probably very ugly.

Only nice, good looking and successful people find true love, which is one of the reasons why love is so wonderful.

There is nothing more heartwarming than seeing a couple feed each other pasta, bits of chicken or ice cream in a restaurant while gazing into each other's eyes, because they r in luff ...

... unless they are giggling at an "in" joke that only they share or understand, because they r in luff ...

... unless they are chewing each other's faces off, slurping or groping each other in public, because they r in luff.

Anyway, I digress. Here is the Utility Room's new, annual Valentine's Day Most Wonderful Couple Of The Year Award, to make all of you single people out there feel even worse about your lot in life.

Congratulations to not-remotely-creepy comedy sort and Channel swimmer David Walliams (37) and lovely, demure Lauren Budd (18).

I managed to catch up with the besotted couple as David waited patiently to pick up Lauren from her after school hockey practice.

He kept being distracted by all of the young girls filing past in their gym skirts, looking pink and sweaty, so he didn't have much to say apart from this:

"Lauren makes me feel ... I dunno ... YOUNG again. I love her sparkling eyes, her vivacity, her girlish laughter. She blows away the cobwebs and makes me feel ... ALIVE."

At this point, his face glazed over.

Lauren was more forthcoming:

"Daevid is morr suffistikated than wot boyz of miy age arr. U carnt havv an intelijent convursayshun wiv them. I liyke 2 tork 2 Daevid about the wurld and them kind of things. Hi is instresting and hi taykes me 2 restrants and orders bottls of wine and hi knoes abowt food and buks and the theetre and filumms and othur things. When u goe on a date with boyz of miy age u have 2 go everware on the buss wich is horible but with Daevid we get cabs and sumtimes hi has a showfurr that drives uss wich is nice. Also, hi is going to help mi with miy homewerk 2nite wich is gudd."

There you have it. If you're not in love, you're not living.


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Lucky bugger.
A thirty-something male who drags for a living - there was me thinking he'd be emotionally mature.
Sorry Betty, I can't think of anything funny to say - you covered everything.
It's a pity for headline writer's sakes she wasn't called little Britney.
Yep, love is... going to a 'restrant' in a cab with yer grandpa... and his wallet.
yuk yuk yuk.

She's totally stolen my idea.
She's very tall, isn't she? I mean, I know she's wearing high heels, but even so. Her David's a good six footer, isn't he?

I couldn't think of anything funny to write either. Poop.
Garfer - he probably thinks the same, judging by his facial expression in the picture.

Arabella - oh, he probably thinks he's emotionally mature, but she makes him feel *young* again. Isn't it always the way with men?

Rog - I'm sure he's had the chance to have his way with the real Britney, but she may be a bit too old for him.

Scarlet - she'd probably prefer to go to McDonalds. Well, if it wasn't for the fact that she can't risk eating burgers because of her "moderllin' careah".

Fathorse - you're probably too old for him and, anyway, you've had a lucky escape.

IDV - I dunno, I think David Walliams looks about 5'10, although I could be wrong. He probably looks taller because you usually see him with Matt Lucas, who is about 5 foot tall x 4 foot across. She does look a bit lanky ( ... or, er, "Amazonian" if we're being very generous).
I've always wondered if he goes into character in bed...Emily Howard, Anne, Lou, Des (Wicky Woo!), Dennis Waterman (singing the theme tune), Harvey (I want bitty!), etc.

I think I'd want him to do Sebastian and call me a bitch.
MJ - he probably does all of them, including that woman who projectile vomits. Well, I like to think so.
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