Wednesday, December 03, 2008


I don't watch all of the modern TV programmes that allegedly unite the entire nation around the box these days.  No Strictly Ballroom, no Celebrity Strictness In The Dressing Room or I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of This Kitchen And Out Of The Vicinity Of Gordon Ramsay, The Philandering Bounder!

The only time that I see the sort of shows that everyone else watches is at about eight o'clock on a weekday, when the other half is looking at West Ham forums on the *internet*, and I am watching telly with the sound turned off.

So ... last night I was watching How To Look Good Naked - with the sound turned off.

Can anyone tell me what the point of How To Look Good Naked is?

It is a programme that seems to have been influenced by the Dove adverts that featured *rill* *women*, as opposed to young, thin, good looking women.  Rill women are supposed to like other rill women in adverts, even though they don't like other rill women in rill life, and will bitch about their physical imperfections behind their backs.

For some reason that I can't fathom, Gok Wan wants to encourage rill women to take off their clothes in front of a camera and celebrate their natural beauty, vom, vom.  There's all sorts of wobbling and sagging flesh on display here and, sorry to offend any wet feminist workshop types reading, but it's not very pleasant to look at.  Why are women up for this sort of ritual humiliation?  

Any woman who has an ounce of self awareness realises that her physical attributes are on the slide after the age of thirty.  Really, I'm being kind here - most men would suggest that the age of around twenty five is nearer the mark.  

Actually, there comes a point in every woman's life when, after a night's carousing, she gets up in the morning feeling like death.  She looks into the mirror and sees Edward G. Robinson staring back at her.

Frightening.  Still, you start to laugh at all the effects of gravity, decay and those thick BLACK bristles that crop up on your chin overnight if you've got a sense of humour or more than half a brain cell to rub together.  What else can you do?

Well, a lot of the women here seem to be hung up about the fact that they don't look as good as they did when they were twenty.  No, really!  You don't say!

Do women who obsess about their sagging mammaries or cellulite have nothing better to occupy their time?  Virtually anything is a better way to occupy your time, actually.  Why waste huge amounts of money on *firming* creams when you could be drinking a fucking big glass of wine or eating that Moser Roth chocolate with the cranberry bits in it, mmmmm?  

I watched a few minutes of this show with the sound turned up because I wanted to get the gist of what was going on and maybe, ho ho, blog about it.  

Gok Wan seems to want women to "celebrate" their assets, i.e., they are on the big side and therefore have big tits.  This therefore means that they should wang them out there at every available opportunity, and shouldn't hide them behind baggy tops.  Duh!  Take it from, ahem, one who knows, the big *racked* woman's best asset is the underwired bra.  Oh, and she should avoid polo neck jumpers or anything baggy (Every woman should avoid baggy tops.  They are dull, dull, dull).  That's all you need to know dear - now, try thinking about something more interesting or amusing.

Still, there's no end to The Rise Of Gok Wan.  I was looking at some costume jewellery in Dorothy Perkins (nice outsized purple cocktail rings and, er, bright yellow button earrings.  You can tell I don't "do" "understatement" or "good quality investment pieces", eh?  Thank god you don't know me).  Anyway, Gok's voice was being piped into the store and his picture was everywhere, and he kept uttering variations of "helloooo gorgeous!!!"

Fuck off you patronising Kent.  I'm not gorgeous, I'm a haggard middle aged bag, and proud of the fact.  If I ever see you, I will remove your chi chi designer glasses and grind them under my haggard middle aged foot.


Labels: , , , , , ,

It is my idea of hell to expose my nekid or even almost nekid body to anyone but my other half and perhaps my doctor (and I'm in two minds about the doctor) Clothes are great because they hide the wobbly grey bits and yep big racks look much better thanks to underwired bras.
Why were you shopping for purple cock rings?
What were you doing in Dotty Ps, Betty? It's worse than New Look for crying out loud.
Jane - yeah, clothes are great. They were invented to disguise the unsightly bits which of course become more unsightly as the years go by :( I've now reached the point where I refuse to believe that I have a naked body as a way of coping with old age.

MJ - y'know, after I published this post I was doing some hoovering, and when I was hoovering I thought "I bet MJ leaves a comment about purple cocktail rings on that post". Thanks - you didn't let me down.

Billy - Dotty P's is alright. Don't knock Tha Dot for "informal" wear. Of course, when I've got to attend a special social event (such as a barbecue or a meal at a Harvester) my personal shopper gives me some Valentino gowns to choose from.
I have seen this programme exactly twice. So i could be wrong...

But on both occasions I did think hmmm, these women are 'allowed' to be more than 8 stone and that's OK for celebration, but they've all got perfectly smooth legs and there's no sign of a 'problem' 'bikini line' anywhere.

Hmmm, that's what I think.
I regularly bounce pound coins off the firm young stomachs of 19 year old lovelies, who are (as any fule kno)the acme of feminine perfection.

I am in no way a sad fantasist, as my habit of dressing in purple velour suits and hanging around girls schools on the off chance will testify.

The word verification for this comment is 'faugunob', which may be apt.
"Thank god you don't know me".
But Betty - I thought we did.
Don't tell me you're really a well manicured, fragrant Aga worshipper with several angelic children and a charge account at Harvey Nicks.
I feel duty bound to comment on a post about naked women.
Do you know, when I shop in supermarkets I always choose the fattest ugliest check out gal I can see, and I chat her up for all I'm worth, cos I don't think it's fair that the pretty ones get all the attention. But really I know which ones I prefer - I can't help it, I'm a bloke. Jeez, it's impossible to be an honest politically correct male.
I think the purpose of the prog, for bored, sofa-dwelling menfolk at least, is in the presenter's name - assuming Gok Wan is an ill-disguised anagram?
I've had all the mirrors in my house covered.
Spin - oh, I think it's just a "provocative" programme. Not in a sexual way, but just in the way that it's attempting to be controversial by showing "real" women naked, but there's still no cellulite or pubic hair because it would upset viewers of a nervous disposition. Mind you, I think I must be of a nervous dispostion, because I don't really want to see any naked flesh when I'm eating my dinner. Bleh.

Garfer - you are Peter Stringfellow, and I claim my fifteen pound postal order. Purple velour suits really impress schoolgirls, don't they?

Kaz - a well manicured Aga worshipper etc etc? I shop at Dorothy Perkins, so it would appear not. I *am* very fragrant though. It's a shame this isn't a scratch and sniff blog - everyone would be transported to a perfumed paradise.

Tom - I suppose everyone likes to look at pretty looking people. Problem is, there are only a few of them around, so it's useless for people to compare themselves and find themselves wanting. Funny thing is, it's nearly always females who think they are failures because they're not flawlessly beautiful. Men don't take any of the self image stuff seriously- a pity that more women/girls don't have the same attitude.

Reg - I assume you've never seen the programme. The assorted flesh on display would, let's say, put you off your stroke.

MJ - ooh, mine is darkened with the curtains shut during daylight hours. If I saw my reflection in a mirror I'd faint. Fair enough, I'll admit it - I'm Blanche Du Bois.
Robinson HAHA!
I squeal with delight everytime I watch the 10 Commandments and listen to Edward G deliver his lines with his brooklyn laced gangster intonations;
"Nyeh, now see here dollface, this Moses fella is a wise guy, nyeh."

What the hell does Won know about breastuses anyway..
they certainly don't do anything for him. Oh sure it's de rigeur for rill women to heed the advice of smarmy young hipsters on the telly, but I suspect that making a silk purse out of a sow's ear will be completely lost on her unshaven layabout.

Her brutish lout will prolly greet his refurbished goddess laying on the couch scratching his balls..

"blawdy 'ell! 'ow much did all this cost me then eh?
right then, drop yer smalls an let's 'av a go then shall we?
Come on luv..game starts in five bloody minutes jayzuz"
John Peel once wrote a piece (for Sounds?) about how his newly born son looked like Edward G Robinson. He hadn't yet cotteoned on that all babies look like Edward G Robinson. Some of us, sadly, don't grow out of it.
Donn made me laugh.

Betty, you are not a haggard middleaged bag, (just like Tim doesn't look like Edward G Robinson)you are a Fox. And I feel like I'm better-looking now in my 30 *cough* somethings than I ever did as a teen or in my twenties - not that that's saying much, quite frankly - it's something to do with being more comfortable in your own skin. Though I'd still rather die than get my kit off on national telly.
Donn - it's worse than that. It's true that British men don't care what their wives/girlfriends look like but they wouldn't even bother with having sex for five minutes before the game ... football is much too important for distractions like that.

Tim - I don't like to look at babies unless it's absolutely necessarily. Don't they look/sound/behave like aliens? They scare the fuck out of me, that I know.
Annie - that's the thing about the women on How To Look Good Naked though. They're in they're thirties and forties and still have hang ups about their bodies. I'm sure that wearing a wrapover top instead of a baggy sweatshirt isn't going to improve their self image. Besides, who in their right mind wants to get their jugs out on national TV?
Post a Comment

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?