Thursday, April 17, 2008


It seems that a fuss is being made about this year's French Eurovision entry, because it's not being sung entirely in French.

French MP Fran├žois-Michel Gonnot - a man who is obviously trying to make a name for himself, er, sorry, a man who obviously cares passionately about French culture and language, is very vocal about the fact that the song is going to be performed in English.

I'm not going to wade in with an argument one way or another.

The song is going to be sung by Sebastien Tellier, which rather goes against Eurovision tradition in itself.

This is Sebastien ...

... uh, hold on, that can't be right ...

... this is Sebastien. Denise, Denise I've got a crush on you! Nah, still not right ...

... THIS is Sebastien (a boyish but hirsute 33).

I'm listening to his most recent CD as I write this. One of the tracks is going to be the Eurovision song, which will be competing with Britain's entry (the singing binman), Ireland's song (performed by Dustin The Turkey) and Turkey's song (performed by Irishman Val Doonican). Confusing, isn't it?

Judging by this album, it seems that Sebastien transcends French or English. He sings in, 'ow you say, ze international language of lerrve.

There is a lot of moaning on the album. No, I don't mean that he's complaining about losing his luggage at Heathrow's Terminal Five, or the congestion charge.

Nope, it's moaning as in "Oh! Sebastien! You are the laydeez man, always quick with the kiss on the hand! You come and go between my kidneys! You are the only man with a beard who I will let loose on my couchette!"

(Um, hold on, a lot of ladies would let George Clooney loose on their couchette, and he's recently acquired a beard! Allegedly! Cough, splutter ...)

Anyway, Eurovision looks like it could be an interesting experience, with Sebastien, the dustman, the turkey and Val Doonican hopefully indulging in a pan-European orgy, live. Now that really would be a coming together of nations.

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I'll bet every one of them's shaved their bikini lines.
Oh PLEASE, MJ! I want to talk about the music.

But I'm sure I remember a hoo-ha about a quarter of a million years ago, when the Olympic Committee (or somesuch) decided that all Eurovision entries (fnarr fnarr) were to be in the national tongue (snort) to avoid - oh I dunno, accusations of it being taken the wrong way (oo-er, missus).

(Val Doonican? Really??)
Don't give a fuck - dix points.
...so very glad i live in america, right about now.

a turkey?
Just to make sure you were kidding and not to make a fool of myself - I googled Val Doonican and Eurovision.
And guess what - you are already at no2.
You'll probably be no1 by now!
MJ - don't know, but Robbie Coltrane's beard is made of chimpanzee pubes.

Mangonel - I can remember those stipulations about singing in your native *tongue* (missus, etc.). The winner used to re-perform their song at the end of the contest, and would "coincidentally) start singing in English during the second verse, making a mockery of the whole idea.

Vicus - this year's Ukranian entry, that one. A protest about the country's dependence on nuclear energy.

FN - not long until Eurovision goes international, apparently, so make the most of your freedom while you can. The turkey really is representing Ireland. Thing is, they've won so many times that they've ended up spending huge amounts of money hosting the following years' shows, so now they go out of their way to pick an entry that hasn't got any hope of winning.

Kaz - I'm still number two! A curse on Guardian's arts section! Am going to have to keep going on to Google to edge myself into first place. Publicity hungry, me?
It gets worse. The original line-up of Bucks Fizz is to reform for a TV battle of the Bulgy Bands type show - a makover pop programme. Apparently, they'll be getting unobtrusive plastic surgery if they need it.
Mmmm, compulsive...
Well hopefully the Eurovision MC will pronounce France in American (sounds like pants) that will drive them insane!

Hopefully Sebastien Tellier can sing in 'tree langwidge' like our beloved Celine Dion...
'h'englash da best'.

Your kinky beard fetish reminds me of a grade school limmerick..
The French are a funny race
they fight with their feet
and f*** with their face.

Jeeze I should watch what I say, my daughter is hangin' out in 'Ghey Pareee' this week.
After Lordi's lovely song and performance, it's time we had Eurovision entirely of heavy metal!!
Istvanski - compulsive? Sounds like the ultimate nightmare television. The thought of Cheryl Baker having "unobtrusive" plastic surgery ... *throws up, then faints*

Donn - the lovely Celine has already won Eurovision, representing Switzerland when she was fifteen. Is that renegade behaviour, or what? I'd be more disturbed if the French f**ked with their feet and fought with their faces! That sounds like a whole series of posts on Infomaniac.

Llewtrah - well, there has to be a change from the recent tendency to have fifteen tribal drummers, fire eaters and people in body paint at some point. Too much of that last year.
Is THAT really what ladeefolk want in a man these days? The Mick Fleetwood on his uppers look? The Chas (or is it Dave?) dragged through a hedge backwards look? Oh well -farewell my super-duper four-blade razor, be gone!
Ben - beards do seem to have become fashionable among younger men, alarmingly. A quick way to look twenty years older! Why would anyone want to do that (unless they were trying to make a false claim for a pension)?
Barry Gibb meets Sebastien Chabal (rugby player known for some reason as The Seabass by fans at Sale).

Where do chimpanzee pubes start and finish? Something I've been wondering about myself as I get older and hairier.
Malc - erm, where do chimpanzee pubes start and finish? That's one of those questions that's difficult to answer, like "how long is a piece of string?" Depends on the chimpanzee as well. I'm East European, so as I get older I can sense the day will arrive when I'll have a goatee beard, and there'll be nothing I can do about it.
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