Tuesday, January 01, 2008


Some things I'd like to see eliminated from the face of the earth in 2008.


Brats wearing heelies knocking you over in shopping malls.

Patronising five minute features about *the whole blogging/Facebook/MySpace phenomenon* on Radio Four or Radio Five Live.

Fourteen year old hobgoblins driving around towns at 80 mph after sunset and crashing into walls.

Reality TV shows where some Z-list celebrity tells you that they've been "on a journey" because they've had to spend four days in a kitchen with Gordon Ramsay, Jeremy Edwards and Jennifer Ellison. Fuck right off.

Formerly decent pubs being refurbished and made *child friendly*. Surely there has to be SOME refuge from children, somewhere in the world??? Pleeeease???

Steven and Alex Gerrard. I mean, their house was burgled recently, which made me annoyed about the fact that I should feel guilty about hating them, which made me hate them even more!

The woman with the horse dentures doing voice overs on three-for-two offers in Boots.

Danielle Lloyd.

The inability to buy anything but trainers, phones and toys in any reasonably large town centre.

People who include the words ch*v or p*key in their vocabulary. It's not big, clever or funny.


... and finally ...

Winehouse (24) and Blake, Fielder, Civil, Winehouse's distraught taxi driver dad (54), Blake, Fielder, Civil's distraught mum Georgette (49), Winehouse's heroin problem, Winehouse's eating disorder, Winehouse's bleeding toes, Winehouse's arguments with Blake, Fielder, Civil (24), Blake, Fielder, Civil being slung in the nick, Winehouse dedicating songs onstage to Blake, Fielder, Civil, Winehouse spiralling out of control, Winehouse being the most talented performer in the history of the world ever, no, really, even better than Aretha Franklin or Nina Simone or Marvin Gaye, no, honestly, Winehouse tragically losing out to The Klaxons at the Mercury Awards, Blake, Fielder, Civil taking acting lessons in the nick, Winehouse popping out to Spar to get some ice lollies and a copy of the TV Quick ....





You just wait till her old man gets out of prison, Betty!

Can we consign some of the obvious candidates to your excellent room 101 as well? Deal or no Deal, Evans , Piers bloody Moron etc ?

Oh, er, and Happy New Year!
You live in a strange place, Betty. I don't have any of that stuff in my world.
But then I'm a sad old fucker who reads books and listens to Radio 3.
I am immensely grateful to you for reminding me that a television is a stupid thing to have in your house.
Happy New year! May all of that crap disappear from you life.
Oh, there was one good thing on Radio 4 this Christmas:
Stephen Fry providing a new definition of the word "countryside" as "killing Piers Morgan".
You said it all Betty Babe.

I'd probably add Stephen Bloody Fry to the list. Sorry.

Very Happy new Year from me.

Winehouse toothless.
Murph - ha ha, the way she threatened that booing audience - "wait until my Blake gets aht of incarceration". It reminded me of a kid who was in my class at school who was always getting into trouble. If you crossed him in any way he'd say "Oi'm gunna tell my big brother Pete on yow. He''ll thump yow 'e will".

Dive - believe me, I wish that being knocked over by brats in heelies and almost being run over by boy racers in cars WERE just confined to the television rather than being part of my real world. Perhaps the only way of avoiding anything that annoys me is to live in a remote cave ...

Kaz - cheers. Stephen Fry is becoming ubiquitous these days, isn't he? On television, radio, blogging, getting a column in the Grauniad. All part of a sinister plan for world domination no doubt.

MJ - are all her teeth falling out due to drug problems? I think I missed that one, but then again there are so many Amy stories that I can't keep up with them all. At least I've never seen her in Crocs.
Hmmm. I wonder if you consigned Room 101 to Room 101 it would collapse in on itself and form a black hole?

I think I'd add advertising to that list. I watch almost all my TV on demand these days, so it cuts all the adverts out, which is such a blessing. I only realised this when I went to the movies recently and had no option but to sit through the Pearl and Dean commercials, and found myself getting more angry with each one. The one for Ikea actually made me laugh out loud with derision.
Apart from the stuff I don't know because I'm not in the UK (and ch*v or p*key??? not a clue) this is a great list. Amy Winehouse news drives me insane.

The only reason I can agree to say goodbye to Stephen Fry is because he's finished doing the Harry Potter audio books. Superb work, and the Jim Dale version made me want to break china.

Happy New Year!
Here’s the toothless Amy Winehouse photo.
shopping mall? mall?? Is that a bit like an Arndale Shopping Centre?

I don't know, in the main, who / what all the rest are so I can possibly live without them, which is lucky, although I might like to have a go in a pair of heelies on the qt.

Happy New Year B and G!
What's wrong with "pukey"?
"Surely there has to be SOME refuge from children, somewhere in the world???"

Was that a snide reference to yet another repeat TV showing of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang over the festive season?
Visas for Vulgaria are very expensive you know. Especially at this time of year.
Del - ha ha, would it become Room 202?

I know what you mean about avoiding advertising on television though. I very rarely watch anything in "real time" anymore. If I do, I've been known to make the mistake of pressing the Pause button whenever I want to say something or go to the kitchen to get a drink, for instance. We've been spoiled by technology in some ways.

Chosha - chav and pikey are borderline racist terms most often used by middle class types in a derogatory way to describe poor people. Well, that's the way I see it, anyway. The British equivalent of the American expression white trash, I suppose.

Ye gods, Jim Dale has been narrating the Harry Potter books? I didn't realise he was still alive, let alone working!

MJ - I was hoping she was entirely toothless. Did she lose that crown in a fight with Her Blake?

Ziggy - I suppose I mean an indoor shopping centre. Sorry. That's the evil, all pervading influence of American English for you.

If I tried to wear heelies I'd probably end up with even more broken bones. Happy Noo Year to you too.

Tim - I was referring to Parkey, the recently retired chatshow host. His name need never be mentioned around these parts again.

Istvanski - Chitty Chitty Bang Bang has to be on telly at Christmas every year. It's just the way it works. If it wasn't on, Christmas would be cancelled. I've got my name down for a retirement home in Vulgaria.
Rollicking start to 2008, Betty.
I've never seen anyone in heelies - not much call for them in Orkney.
Can I add Jonathan Ross to the list?
And you're right about Winehouse - a club act.
Don't forget chavs and pikeys!
Malc - heelies wouldn't work on rugged terrain, would they? Same thing with Winehouse. She wouldn't have lasted five minutes on The Wheeltappers And Shunters Club with all that drunken slurring. Give me a quality act like Dorothy Squires any day!

Reg - arggg! Perhaps someone should come up with a derogatory term for all those middle class kids who hang around shopping centres in huge numbers, hugging each other, with the black and red striped hair?
aw crap. here i thought you meant 'Pokey'...Gumbies horse. I always hated that horse. i had a 'Pokey' and all the wires broke and stuck out the side.

stupid horse.
FN - once again, I've had to Google something. Pokey looks alright, and apparently has "a timid personality which contrasts with Gumby's bravery". Sounds like my type of horse. All we had over here in that era was Pinky & Perky, *shudder*.
god your more angry than reg pither
Oh dear oh dear, lets all try and think of something nice shall we?
I've got a little robin on my birdtable, and the spring bulbs are coming through...
Yes, I pretty much agree with you Betty - It wouldn't be a problem to me to lose that lot, that's for sure, but my very pet hate on your list are the smug bastards who criticise blogging. I once heard some twatty journalist saying that blogging demeans the writing profession - fucking wanking tosser - in what fucking way, you twathead. Now I'm getting angry!!!
Anon - too true, it's a time of year when I'm in a permanent grouch, especially now that I've found out that our rubbish isn't going to be collected AGAIN today, after a fortnight and two days. It said on the council website that it would be collected today!!! Arrrgg!

Tom - I'm sorry Tom, I seem to be putting everybody else's backs up as well as my own. Erm, garden birds are nice, though, aren't they? So are puppies, and some of the views in Snowdonia, and that man who was modelling the pants in that Hugo Boss advert in the Grauniad Weekend, and ... breeeathe and relaaaax.

Journalists who go on about how great they are and how rubbish bloggers are ... what do they feel threatened by exactly?
I'm a journalist who hates journalists but thinks Blogging and a lot of Bloggers are a hoot - hope that evens things up a bit.
What you'll find is that almost all of today's journalists, unlike so many Bloggers, have absolutely no command of the English language and have nothing to say. That's why they're afeared, I tell ye!!
Good list, Betty. I'd like to see the end of our weird national obssession with "celebrities", full stop.
Reg - I've got nothing against journalists as such, but the ones who feel the need to criticise bloggers are a bit annoying. Do they assume that all bloggers are frustrated journalists who want to steal their jobs? Most of us are amateurs who have no interest in turning it into a career. It's just a way of expressing ourselves! Er, anyway, I certainly wouldn't make any claims to having a good command of the English language. In fact, blogging has simply underlined how bad my command of English is (along with doing very badly on a proof reading course a few years ago ... but that's another story ...).

Doris - there seems to be an obsession with celebrities who fail in some way. I suppose it's one step up from bitchiness in the school playground and office politics!
Can I add Radio 2 DJ's? That's a bit unfair. It's not really designed for me, I suppose.
As a former colleague of Reg's, I'd love to say something profound, but I've been drinking for seven hours, so I'm just going to agree.

Love blogging, hate the new crap journalism.

Or something like that which I won't regret in the morning.
Boz - exactly, Radio 2 is designed for me and I don't get it. Too smug. If I'm stuck in the car it's either Radio 1 or Kiss. Perhaps I'm in denial about my impending twilight years.

Malc - "drinking for seven hours" ... once a journalist, always a journalist, eh? Anyway, people very rarely say anything profound here. If they do, I start to worry.
Perhaps AmyfreakinWinehouse will invoke the shrewdest of career moves (die) and that will be the end of the matter..
after about a year of tributes..
HE - perish the thought! Then there'll be a year of posthumous releases - about a dozen of them - which will all get to number one and will be bought by mawkish housewives (I don't think anyone outside the UK is familiar with the Eva Cassidy phenomenon, but she was some two bit singer/songwriter whose old albums only sold a few years after she'd snuffed it). Anyway, it looks as if Britney may well get in ahead of her and steal the glory the way things are going.
Your post about the horse dentures lady had me laughing for quite an unnatural amount of time. I agree about children in pubs as well; fucking hellthey'll be maing strip clubs, torture dungeons and coal mines child-friendly next. I once hit a raw nerve with a friend when I once pointed out that a pub probably wasn't the best place for a child to be, if only for the fact that I remember from being a child how fucking boring they are if you can't get pissed.
Lost Boy - all I remember about visiting pubs as a child is having to sit in the beer garden in the freezing cold, or occasionally being left in a car, with someone throwing you a packet of crisps to keep you quiet. Of course coal mines should become child friendly though - it's time we sent six year olds down into the pits or sweeping chimneys again!
Found the shoes-on-wheels thing quite worrying. Adults unable to walk as well as read coming up, then?
I meant to have a listen to Radio 2but was having too much fun with 'I'm Sorry I haven't A Clue' on 4. That's it, I suppose: I'm old but I can still laff!
Arabella - adults unable to walk, read, speak, move? That sort of thing was predicted for the space age in the 1970's because we'd have robots catering to our every need. Well, on Blue Peter, anyway.

Vicus is another I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue fan, isn't he?
Heelies are the scourge of the modern world. Lots of shopping centres ban them.
The fact that there's a ban in place doesn't seem to deter a lot of kids. Even worse, they're with their parents who should know better!
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