Wednesday, January 09, 2008


Feeling out of sorts with blogging at the moment, as I tend to do every so often, so apologies for the lack of *pithy*, *witty* comments on other blogs, and Happy! New! Year! to anyone out there who I haven't said Happy! New! Year! to yet. Will that do?

One of the things I hate about January is the amount of Positive Bollocks that is foisted on us which tends to make the cynics among us feel guilty. All of those messages encouraging us to turn our lives around, have a satisfying new career, and generally "make things happen" keep being replayed until even the unambitious and chronically useless among us start to feel that there rilly is a chance we can have a rewarding life. Our dreams rilly can come true, apparently!

Hmm, the only dreams that I have that recur are the one about having to do my maths O-level exam without having done any revision, and the one where I get lost walking around a coastal Mediterranean town. Don't rilly want to make them come true.

Hopefully, all of the Positive Bollocksists will disappear again once February is here. I mean, I even saw one of those dreadful smug blonde Positive Bollocksist women on telly this morning who came out with the cliched advice to "ignore the opinions of negative people who always criticise others. The only reason they criticise others is because they have a very low opinion of themselves and it makes them feel better about their own insecurities". That old chestnut.

My advice as a Negative Bollocksist is to ignore the opinions of self satisfied patronising airheads who really should move to California where they'll feel more at home.

After all, there's nothing guaranteed to make you feel worse about yourself than being told that you should feel better about yourself, is there?

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Is your Life Coach on hols?
I'm just going to be glad when there's no more ads for slimfast and nicorette and such like on the telly.
Oh come on, Betty old cabbage, grasp Geoff by the hand, skip down the High Street smiling at the children and offering words of welcome and encouragement to all that you meet.
Cheer up Betty, it might not happen...
Yes, Happy Bleedin' New Year. This cheered me up no end because I seem to be surrounded by people with PLANS at the moment. I hate that. I've never had a plan in my life. I'm not sure I'd know what to do with one. Roll on February when EVERYONE will be pissed off. Hopefully.
Elizabeth, a word to the wise.
The next time someone says "Think positive" or "It's a new start so turn your life around" just say "Yes, I know, of course you're right, but with Aids taking a firm grip on me now and my family having been killed by Marxist rebels in Kenya I just can't seem to get going." Oh, the look on their faces!!! It really cheers you up!
well if all you have to do to get a positive outlook is go to California then I'm off, lend us couple of quid for the ticket would ya?!
MJ - anyone who introduced themselves to me as a life coach would be shown the door.

Billy - or former soap stars trying to flog their fitness videos!

Vicus - tried that before. I was beaten up three times on Bexleyheath Broadway. From now on, it's no more Mr Niceguy.

Rhino75 - there isn't any point in trying to plan your life, because when you try to be organised life has a way of throwing everything around you into chaos. Ahem. Here endeth the lesson.

Istvanski - one good thing about getting older is that blokes don't say that to me in the street any more. Unless they don't say it because I actually look cheerful.

Reg - if you were to say that to a *life coach* they'd say "good! It's good to see that you're acknowledging these things are happening! It really gives you something to get your teeth into and gets you out of the comfort zone!" or some other such crap. Bah.

Ziggi - unfortunately, I've not got a spare couple of quid because I don't have a postive enough outlook to get a job as a life coach. So, back to the soup queue and the sleeping bag in the doorway of Dixons for both of us then.
'Think Positive Betty' - getting lost in a Mediterranean town would be wonderful at this time of year and you can't really revise for Maths can you?

Er sorry - I'll just get back to California.
Betty, I always find a good tip this time of year is to start a couple of those collections like you see advertised on the telly. This year I am collecting thimbles and building a 16th century galleon over 36 months.
What I also like is that normally the first issue would be £4.95 but they sell it for £1.95 which is a good saving. It's a win win situation as far as I can see!
Kaz - I'm really stooopid as far as maths goes, so the O-level was a nightmare which I worried about for ages beforehand. Hence all the nightmares I've been having since! The Mediterranean town in my dream wasn't a particularly pleasant place - rather seedy, with endless grotty backstreets, and it was very dark and overcast, with the threat of a storm starting at any minute. So, no positive vibes there then.

Tom - what, a 16th century galleon built to scale? I really like the idea of that, and would be willing to put in all the hard work over 36 months, but I'm a bit concerned about the parking space it would take up in front of the house. That woman next door would go mad!
There was a programme on TV last night with Jon Snow & his lad telling everyone "what people earn". In the middle was a positive-bollocks-lady who comes round and tidies up your wardrobe for £750 a day, arranging all your shoes in order of "colour and size".
It cheered me up, anyway.
I am always positively grumpy myself.
Murph - what's wrong with that? I have fifty pairs of shoes in the usual size six in a multitude of colours, and another fifty in a size fourteen extra wide fit for that "awkward time of the month" we ladies get all coy about talking about. To be honest, for a few days beforehand my feet bloat up like a pair of rowing boats!

Doris - well, you can probably get more done by being positively grumpy. Surely if you're really happy with yourself you're not driven to get anything done? I can get through a pile of housework if I'm in a bad mood, no problem, although it'll probably be accompanied by a lot of swearing.
Three years in San Francisco couldn't take the afeared Black Country pessimist out of me so take that, California.
I still have the A level history anxiety dream (too dim to take any test in maths)but only the Tudors and Stuarts paper.
Arabella - haven't been deterred from wanting to visit San Francisco despite being a miseryguts (mainly because I'm a fan of Vertigo though).

History A-level? Thought about taking it, but glad I didn't, as you apparently had to be a genius to do it. D**** P*****in our sixth form used to say "hah! You don't do well in History A-level, you GET BY".
I was positive for about 15 minutes. But then reality set back in, and I felt much happier being suitably miserable again.

I didn't make any resolutions, other than pledging to stay the course. I'm fine as I am, ta.
Del - if it's not in someone's nature to be positive, then changing the habit of a lifetime may cause upset, injury or possible death (ahem, probably). Mind you, I've been such a whining drudge on here recently that I'm even starting to annoy myself ...

No point in resolutions - I'm sure you'll stay the course (barring unfortunate household incidents. Most accidents happen in the home).
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