Tuesday, November 27, 2007


In the 1980's John Peel used to champion a band called Serious Drinking. One of their songs was Countdown To Bilko. The lyrics seemed to be based around the fact that Sundays were crap. There was nothing to do and you would be bored silly until Bilko was on BBC2 in the early evening (I think Bilko was on BBC2 on Sunday evenings for about half a century).

For me, the modern equivalent of Countdown To Bilko is Countdown To Amstell. As I've grown older, Friday Nights are no longer extended into the very small hours. Getting dressed up, pubbing, clubbing, waiting around in the freezing cold for night buses and eating cheese on toast at four in the morning while talking gibberish. Those days are well behind me, thank the feck.

Instead, Friday nights revolve around imbibing suspiciously musty tasting wine that was on a special offer at Oddbins and catching up with whatever is on Sky Plus, apart from that three hour Japanese film which was on BBC4 in March and is highly acclaimed.

First stop after Coronation Street will be Never Mind The Buzzcocks feat. Simon "Countdown To" Amstell.

All evening, I will be doing the Countdown To Amstell, in the hope that Simon will say something reasonably funny and in fairly bad taste.

Fortunately, last Friday night wasn't a letdown, because of the gag about befriending C*urtney L*ve (she murders you then pretends you committed suicide).

We live to fight another day.

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Is he the curly haired little shit that made Preston walk out. Mind you, I'd have lived with Chantelle for eight months for the million quid he is supposed to have made out of it.
Tom - yeah, he is that curly haired little shit. Surely someone who upsets Preston that much deserves to become Director General of the BBC at the very least?

I saw Chantelle being interviewed on the telly the other day. She was reluctant to talk about her break up with Preston because there's so much to look forward to in the future, apparently. She is working on a new fitness video!
Betty! I thought that the Courtney Love comment was funny, but not as good as the conversation with Jermaine Jackson. Having discussed the wifeswapping that went on between him and his brother, Mr Amstell produced the question of the year:
"So, what about Michael, did he ever do anything weird?"
I never recognise any of the music, unless they have someone really old on, and don't know many of the panelists, but it is still very stimulating.
Tom - what have I just been telling you?
I used to see Amstel sometimes on C4 in that 'Morning After show'.
I'm unlikely to stay conscious for Buzzcocks (as you know I start on the wine early).
Perhaps I should drink his beer instead.
I liked that collective gasp around the studio when they cottoned on to what he had said.

I like Noel whashisface, but miss Bill Bailey. I demand my Bill Bailey.

"Take me to musical heaven, Phil Jupitus..."
I thought you wrote "Countdown to Biko" which sounds a much grander self-righteous Peter Gabriel number.
Vicus - it was a treat to see Jermaine Jackson squirming and probably deeply annoyed but smiling through gritted teeth. I have problems trying to recognise a lot of the panelists. Still, I suppose it stops the BBC licence fee being even higher.

Kaz - since I had the wrist breaking accident recently in the morning, people have been accusing me of starting on the wine VERY early. Never Mind The Buzzcocks is on at 9 o'clock. That's some going - being drunk by 9 o'clock.

Boz - well, I'd prefer Phillll Jupitus to be on leave. The cheeky chappy loveable Cockney ex-public schoolboy routine is going a stale, and he's a bit embarrassing when he tries to pal up to the, ahem, young people (Lethal Bizzle for example).

Murph -

Countdown To Nico - the audience patiently waits as the doomy German chanteause jacks up in the dressing room.

Countdown To Rico - Viewers wait for Jools Holland to introduce his Hootenanny Big Band. Sam Brown on backing vocals ... Gilson Lavis on drums ... Rico on trombone!
Hey C*ntney L*ve should be channeling Nico and make her umpteenth comeback as a Teutonic Heroin Heroine..oh the drama!

She vill hav to schtart schmoking und schreaming 24/7 in order to get zat gravelly voice jus right.
I haff no idea if she can do Nico's ahkzent but I don't zink zat it really matters dahlink.
HE - oh, I bet C*urtney would give anything to play Nico in a film of her life. A good job that they weren't contemporaries. One of them would probably have killed the other!
This is all the more reason why Kaz should always Enjoy Amstel Responsibly.
Istvanski - tried to go onto that site, but they were asking for my date of birth, home address, phone number, bank details, passport photo. I ain't selling out to the man, maaan.
I lied about my d.o.b. and then it proceeded to interrogate me and lecture about the evils of drink.

Don't they want to sell the stuff??
I'll stick with the Sauvignon.
I get terrible hangovers with beer, so I agree.
Oh bum. I got here too late to comment on those StartRight sandals.
English telly exports to America aren't exactly the cream of the crop: 'Monarch of the Fucking Glen' and The Extremely Underamazing and Irritating Mrs Pritchard or Whatever Her Name Is'.
Did get to see 'The Deal' recently though - what a giggle.
Arabella - Just had a look at the current Start Rite children's range. Nothing seems to have changed in 30-odd years. For some reason I seem to remember that I didn't have Start Rite shoes because they were too expensive, although I could be wrong.

Is Monarch Of The Fucking Glen a hard hitting Noo Yawk version of the acclaimed British drama, and is it on HBO?
Betty love, thanks for the spell check! I used to have the knock-off Start Rites but can't remember what they were called; they were the colour of dog poo though.
My mother seemed to think that Start Rite were the ideal shoes, and that it was very important for girls to wear flat, unfashionable shoes at a time when big clumpy shoes were the ones to be seen in (she says bitterly). Mind you, she was right, as I've finally found out.
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