Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Thanks for all your kind comments about my current predicament. Sadly, I STILL haven't been given any money or beautiful Scandinavian men. Ah, well ... I know who my friends are, that's all I'm saying ...

So: how did it happen?

On Friday morning, I put some washing in the tub and got the laundry basket from the top of a cupboard.

I turned, lost my balance, reached out for the wall to stop my head bashing into it, and the next thing I knew was that I was looking at my right arm, which was horribly lumpy and distorted.

A few minutes later, I had put the washing on, because I was taught that we have to pull ourselves together, keep a stiff upper lip and, if the worst comes to the worst, have a cup of sugary tea.

For the next half an hour I was frantically tidying the living room.

I still hadn't had a cup of sugary tea.

Then I thought it might be a good idea to phone around to see if I could get a lift to the local minor casualty department.

"Oooh, poor you, that looks horrible!" said the woman behind the desk. "Helen, come in here and see this one!"

"Oooh, that's a good one, that's really different!" said Helen, David Lynch fan and collector of pictures of Victorian sideshow freaks.

An X-Ray later meant that I was on my way to A & E.

Well, I say "on my way".

My in-laws were the escorts.

My MIL delayed the journey by about ten minutes. "Looook, it's my friend Barbara over there!" she said in the car park, which meant that she had a good old chinwag with Barbara when I was potentially DYING.

When we got to A & E, and after the inevitable NHS hold ups and mix ups, I was given some sedatives and put on a trolley bed and told that there was a *possibility* that I would need an operation.

Within minutes, a couple of people seemed to be trying to stretch my arm to approximately twice my height. It's possible that I may have a lucrative future career as a human cherry picker.

"I've got it!" one of them said.

A cast was put on my arm and I was whisked off for another X-Ray.

An appointment was made to see a specialist.

When I get home, predictably enough. I START GOOGLING.

The potential operation could involve having pins inserted ... or a bone graft from my pelvis.


*faints again*

On the plus side, my forthcoming infection with MRSA and subsequent death will lead to some very frank and moving writing here, which may even mean that I break through the Post Of The Week four nominations but no shortlist barrier. I won't win though, beaten by a frank and moving account of someone's pet chinchilla having kidney failure, surviving against all the odds, but tragically dying in a fire.

Then, the posthumous written collection will do great business in WH Smiths Stories Of Great Personal Suffering section, and Geoff will be able to give up his job, move to Hollywood and *find happiness* with a 19 year old blonde socialite-turned-reality TV show star.

The hospital appointment is tomorrow :(

I should say as a footnote that anybody who slags off people who work at the coalface of the NHS is a c*nt, by the way.

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Hire a Scandinavian manservant to make your tea.

Quit stalling.
"I should say as a footnote that anybody who slags off people who work at the coalface of the NHS is a c*nt, by the way."

Too right! When I was at A&E with my hideous hand thing, the staff were wonderful. Sadly, many of the patients were not.
Your stiff upper lip, courage and bravery in the face of agony, disablement and death is an example to us all,

Especially that Barabara.
Console yourself that Geoff's new floozy will probably flog her story to the papers ("My nights of hell with morose poet and his roasted chinchilla sandwiches").
falling over while washing - it beats falling over while doing absolutely nothing, but not by much.
Gin on the cornflakes again?
MJ - too miserly to hire anyone. Still hoping that someone will offer their services for free.

Kate - too true. Those people are working in pressurised jobs and are on the frontline for some rather bad behaviour from the public (although I didn't witness any of that on Friday, fortunately).

Kaz - the stiff upper lip comes naturally. Ive been waxing my moustache for years.

Murph - I hope she makes a better job of it than N*rma's B*g St*pid S*n and his tabloid expose recently ... whoops.

Ziggi - interesting concept. Is doing the washing more interesting than doing nothing? Will have to mull over that. I don't have a drink problem, which makes me even more boring.
Nooooo, do not let them insert pins in our Betty!

It is fatal to Google illnesses or broken bones or anything. You'll be on there hours then awake all night imagining which thing is wrong with you.
you do your washing in the bath??

blimey. chin up betty - think of all the "accidental" injuries you can cause to the general public with a nice heavy cast....
Annie - someone somewhere is probably sticking pins into an effigy of me as we speak, probably with good reason.

There's a picture of one bloke with a broken wrist on a site who appears to have a large staple gun nailed to his arm and hand. Sob.

Surly Girl - hello meducks, hope you're feeling a bit better.

Hmm ... acidentally knocking out annoying people doing Christmas shopping ... *smiles*
I hope that they don't need to use the technology at their disposal to put you back together, takes a lot a longer to heal I hear. On the bright side you won't have to worry about all that Xmas shopping with a healing arm as you've got to let it heal so that means no weight bearing.
When I first read it, I thought you said you'd been told at the hospital that you would have to have a penis inserted! I suppose that's Bupa for you.
Good luck for tomorrow. Take care.
At times like this we should all be in the capable hands of Hattie Jacques. Wishing you the best of Matrons.
Jane - I don't think I'll be getting away from doing the Christmas shopping that easily. After all, I've still got one good hand, which only means the shopping will take twice as long :(

Reg - thanks. Some readers of this blog think I already have a penis, and the rest probably think I am one, so it's no great shock.

Arabella - thank you. No sightings of Hattie Jacques, which is just as well, as I would've found her a bit frightening (especially as she's been dead for twenty odd years).
I'm really struggling not to continue Reg's 'penis insertion' theme, do I need therapy, or just a good shag?
Go on Geoff - get stuck in, my son!

Only kidding Betty...

(Psst! Geoff - send us over a spare starlett, will you?)
Tom - only you can provide the answer to your own question.

Istvanski - blimey, it's all gorn a bit Are You Being Served? around here. Yeah, though. Geoff is getting stuck into his loose leaf tea. I presume that's what you're referring to.
Ha! I LOLed a lot.

Er, I mean Get Well Soon!

Scandinavians are over-rated anyhow. Those blondies have very feeble body hair.
Sorry to sink back to Mrs Slocombe's level but, on my original theme, I suppose you've heard the supposedly true tale about Gaulle's wife (or somone of that ilk) who, when asked at a state banquet what she desired most in life, replied: "A penis."
De Gaulle or whoever broke the icey silence and spared everyone's blushes by saying: "Non, non, ma cher. It eez pronounced 'appiness'"
Hope the wrist isn't playing up too much.
Good luck for tomorrow. Those 'bizarre home accidents' are the worst as most people don't believe you and/or think you are on the bottle and/or mad. I knocked myself out once opening a jammed cupboard door. Laid out cold with a big welt across my forehead and mild concussion. Ridiculous. What is even worse is that I lived in a first floor flat with big floor-length windows opposite a block of flats. Apparently my neighbour from the flats saw it all and said they thought I had died as they watched me fall back and lay in the 'dead ant position' for at least five mins. Bastards didn't call an ambulance. Just waved across the way and gave me a thumbs up sign as soon as they saw me staggering around after coming to. Sooo embarrassing. Hoping no pins Bettster. xx
"I should say as a footnote that anybody who slags off people who work at the coalface of the NHS is a c*nt, by the way."

Can I just ask, Bettster; was the Radiographer who took your snaps wearing black leather rather than the usual white lab coat?

And did he say "it'll have to come off, luv..." at every available opportunity?

Thought as much...

You do realise those photos will be all over the internet before you can say "Radioactivity, invented by Madam Curie..."

Spinsterella - how dare you come over here and LOL at my tragic near death experience?? People are so hardhearted these days. Boo hoo. "Feeble body hair" ... is there some sort of test to ascertain whether or not a bloke has got the right strength/density body hair?

Reg - sounds like a Two Ronnies one. I could be wrong, but i can see Ronnie Corbett delivering that line while dressed as a lady of the French court, for some reason. The wrist is improving, thanks.

Rockmother - I've got away without having to have an operation. Phew. Lucky escape. God, with neighbours like that, who needs friends? I hope you had the chance to get some kind of revenge on them at a later date.

Bob - no, it wasn't that interesting. Mind you, pictures of my Colles fracture may indeed be circulating the internet. There are some very strange people out there with very strange preferences ...
Here ya go, Betty. You might as well make this disability lucrative.
Good grief MJ - WTF? I just clicked on your link and by heck love - this is what I found on the 'forum'. Are these people real?

"Hi Joe, I'm a long time member (sometimes off and on) but never posted here before. Let me first say I really enjoy your work and appreciate your contribution to this community.

That said, I feel that there's a bit too much crutching footage in the video clips. I would rather see more of the model on a couch, or in a bed, talking about their casts. I'm not saying take the crutching out, but I think there could be more of a variety in the clips.

I know it's tough to please everyone, but I just wanted to pass this along in case there are others who feel the same way. Thanks again for this site b/c it's by far the best in the business!!!"

Betty - you need to go and stick your picture up there love - they've got 'too much crutching' and dare I say it sounds like they need a bit more finger!
Betz - I tell you why we haven't sent any Scando men - you want them to do the things you can't - y'know - hairdryer, nail varnish, hair removal etc. And you wouldn't want the gorgeous men to see you 'au naturel' would you?

NHS folk are charming when you are really, really fucked - they were fantastic with my broken knee!!!!
Good heavens - and I thought modern laundry techniques were so much safer now nothing is likely to get caught in the mangle!
MJ - um, thank you. Only you would be capable of finding a site like that. I don't know whether to be frightened, or laugh my head off.

Romo - yeah, not that I should laugh at people who have such, erm, *specialised* interests, but really! Sadly, I think I may be outside the normal range of desirable models used on that site, being middle aged, not blonde and not actually "crutching" (oh my days!). I hope for their sakes that they're not in relationships (not that it's likely of course).

Belle -I don't even want to see myself au naturel these days. Mind you, I'm becoming an expert at left handed application of make up, hair styling, etc. It's amazing how motivated you can be to avoid looking like a bag lady! Oh, and yes - the NHS staff are bloody good.

Doris - ha ha, I'm reminded of Daley Thompson's famous quote during the Olympics. At least I didn't put my arm in the washing machine during the fast spin cycle. That would just have been foolish.
Do people still sign casts? Surely somewhere there's a website where your online stalkers could sign a virtual one? Get well soon B. x
Lost Boy - thank you! There probably is a site like that. If so, perhaps I should get the people who've frozen me out of their blogs or fallen out with me to leave abusive messages. Ahem.
I broke my arm 4 times - never needed pins. You'll be fine. In future it will predict rain by getting a bit rheumaticky ... ooh I can feel it in my bones (you'll be able to say in ominous tones)
Llewtrah - thanks. Looks as if I may be able to charge people for my weather forecasting abilities then. Either that or get a career as a human water diviner ...
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