Saturday, November 17, 2007


You may have gathered by now that I managed to avoid any of the horrendous operations that were described on the internet, and was sent away with a cast on my arm which will be removed in five weeks.

The cast was put on by a young bloke who had a wonderfully delicate and precise touch. All the grains of the bandage seem to be aligned to one another! What an artist!

Then he ruined the effect by saying "two fings you need to know: DO NOT get the cast wet and DO NOT put nuffin daaaaahnn it".

When I escaped from the hospital, I was deliriously happy. Of course, this didn't last long.

I returned home to find that the Ongoing Problems with the elderly and ailing relative in the Midlands were getting more complicated.

I don't want to turn this into one of those Boo Hoo, Pity More Me blogs, particularly as most other people have horrible things to deal with themselves, but it really would be nice to get through a few years without having to deal with family illness, hospital visits, a responsibility to everyone in the S*rbian community to look after *family*, oncology units, phoning social services, people going a bit loopy, emotional blackmail, people who refuse to have medical treatment, weird Orthodox funerals, missing wills, solicitors and every kind of hassle you can think of.

Still, hey! That's my crayzee family for you. Anyone who wants to house and look after the ones that are left is quite welcome to them. The further away you live the better.

If anyone wants to leave a comment advising me that I should have a more positive outlook on life, and that worrying about things is a waste of time, perhaps they should consider putting their fingers into a paper shredder instead.


Rant over. I will leave you with a test card. A test card for monochrome TV sets, no less. Keep raising money for Pudsey Bear, you lovely people, and have a nice weekend.

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....and the greatest of these is.....emotional blackmail.
I get it all the time, Elizabeth. Pluck up the courage to say "Would love to help......but won't!" Look after yourself, for once, and have a relaxing weekend.
Do you want me to pop round and let them know there's always somebody worse off than them - and it's me?
P.S. I do hope you asked the linguistics professor who applied your cast to include your hand and cast your finger in the position it was in on your original injury post?
As you know Betty dear I share your pain.
But if that will should turn up - I do hope you'll remember your blogging chums.
Reg - well, you could try telling her that there's somebody worse off than her, if you can speak S*erbo Croat, are prepared to listen to her life story and don't mind getting phone calls asking you to visit her every day. That's the thing with old people, they don't want to be a burden on anyone, do they?

Kaz - cheers m'dear. Sadly, I don't think there'd be enough money left over after the funeral expenses for much more than a small light ale for everyone. You're all invited to the wake though, if you bring your own booze.
this is what happens. somehow, this is all my fault; it was caused by something i did, me alone, the butterfly flapping its little leather wings in brazil which results in the horrific maiming of a woman in england. i do suck.

(eat LOTS of roughage. codeine is constipating.)
Well I certainly hope Bettster's world gets better all round. And I love the M-Set connotations.
More about the weird Orthodox funerals, please.
FN - I think you'll find that the accident was caused by an ex-neighbour who has a voodoo effigy of me. She snapped the right arm. Ouch, my kidneys are hurting - she's obviously been messing about with those pins again, the cow.

Istvanski - thanks. A good job I've got a really sick sense of humour, which helps me cope with it all. I suppose you'll be the only one to notice the Monochrome Set video.

MJ - if I did a post about it then it would probably be criticised for being tasteless, and I'd be getting death threats from masses of people in Eastern Europe! It was just the one funeral actually, but, er, it was quite "eventful", shall we say.
I put my right hand in the shredder, and switched it on with my left. But once I'd done the right hand, I couldn't switch it back on with it's bloody remains, cos the knob got all slippy. I can't do anything right!

Sorry to hear your woes, hope it all works out. And also sorry to hear about your arm. That's rubbish. We should all leave dedications which you can print out and stick to it with Pritstick, since we can't sign it.
prithee, was it the sad news about not being able to stick anything down your cast, or his impedimented delivery that vexed you more? i know someone who ends every phrase with the expression "an' fings". it's only a matter of time until i stab her.
Oh yes, vintage M-Set doing "Eine Symphonie..." in Noo Yoik late 70's. That was when lead guitarist Lester Square had energy (or he was having an epileptic fit on stage). Just before they split up, a more relaxed Lester could be seen and heard playing guitar with a vibrator - I have seen the evidence.
Thanks for spreading the word. Perhaps there should be an M-Set podcast?
Monochrome Set? A post-punk treat for a Sunday afternoon. Thanks.

And I hope things perk up. I hate to agree with Reg, but he's probably right.
Del - thanks. Sorry to hear about the incident with the paper shredder. Couldn't you get someone else to switch it back on? I don't think I'll be pritt-sticking messages on the cast - no doubt the bloke who set the cast would say "DO NOT stick nuffin on it".

Rivergirlie - his delivery didn't annoy me, just ruined the effect of him as a sensitive artiste. The most irritating expression in use at the moment is "wew", as in "mum, I saw this top in Bay Trading, it's wew narss".

Istvanski - I must admit, I lost touch with their music after Strange Boutique (still not available on CD, annoyingly). I remember them being on Whistle Test. They seemed to have a bloke in the band who just stood around with a cardboard question mark on his head.

Malc - welcome. Someone else who noticed the Monochrome Set!

I'd hate to disagree with Reg for reasons of diplomacy.
"Strange Boutique" & "Love Zombies" are available to buy together on a single disc under the name of "Colour Transmission".





I'm not too good at doing sympathy Betts, and I don't give advice, so I aint much use to ya. but I am just here to tell you I enjoy reading your blog.
Istvanski - thanks. Is it Monochrome Set on eBay month then?

Tom - thank you. I'm not good at giving advice or sympathy either. I certainly hope that people don't think I published the post to elicit sympathy. It was more of a rant than anything.
can we 'av your Liver then?

Oh, yes, I know the nuffin man,
The nuffin man, the nuffin man,
Oh, yes, I know the nuffin man,
That lives on Drury Lane.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm already working out my exit strategy. Got the 'Living Will' signed with directions to "pull ALL plugs", and in case I don't make it to Switzerland I will remember to remind myself to begin stockpiling the old smarties.
HE - gorblimey Mr Donn, 'ow's your Bert's kumbago?

Arabella - the in-laws said the other day that a similar clinic is opening in Germany. Hopefully, by the time I'm barely functioning, there'll be one in every town alongside Costa Coffee and McDonalds. It would certainly save on the air fares.
I want to leave a comment advising you to have a more positive outlook on life, and that worrying about things is a waste of time.

I have considered putting my fingers into a paper shredder instead but
wouldn't that hurt?


as me wise old granny used to say "life's a bitch and then you die"
Ziggi - another injury! Nice to think that someone else is suffering. Geoff's gran used to say "life is hell on earth". What is it with grandmothers? Why did they bother having children if life was so awful?
Ever late as always - I noticed the nod to Monochrome Set. Has anyone told you to purchase a knitting needle to scratch between the cast yet? I have to say I broke my wrist age 13 on Friday 13th (666 devil child am I!) and it never got itchy - just filthy (the cast that is..oo-er)...take care - hope you are bearing up.
A positive outlook may be sadly misinformed. However, beating inconvenient relatives over the head with a plaster cast may be an option.

It's never too late to run away to Scotland. Ever.
RoMo - I'm okay thanks. Things are a bit less chaotic on the mad family front (probably the calm before the storm). As I've been told not to put nuffin daaaahn the cast, I'll be avoiding the knitting needle and resorting to anti-allergy tablets. Still, not much itching yet. I'm more worried about how cruddy and smelly the cast is going to get in the next four weeks. Ugh.

Boz - I still prefer the snooker ball in socks method of rendering annoying relatives senseless. I'm not sure that the cast has enough clout (perhaps if it had been a leg cast ...).

I think I'd like to move to somewhere warmer than Scotland, preferably a place without phone connections.
I am just impressed that you type so well one handed!
Doris - I'm now making such fast progress that I can touch type again. I'll be back to the arm wrestling and bare knuckle fights by the weekend (well, I need to earn some extra cash for Christmas, after all).
Get well soon. I hated having my arm plastered. Don't put nuffin dahn it? I had to use a knitting needle to scratch the itches.
Llewtrah - haven't had much of a problem with that yet. I've been recommended to use a hairdryer on a cool setting or take Benadryl (something I read on the internet, so it has to be reliable, eh?).
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