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Sunday, October 07, 2007

GET STUFFED 

Two weeks spent in the holiday cottage *at a mystery location in Norfolk* involved one very COLD night when we huddled up over the patio heater because they'd got those Economy Seven heaters that only work between six and nine in the morning, or summat like that.

The owners, however, did say that it might be worth starting a real coal fire, and they'd tell us how to use kindling, coal, wood, live sacrifices etc.

"It'll really heat the place up!" said Mrs Cottageowner with great enthusiasm.

Indeed it would, because we would have undoubtedly set fire to their beautiful holiday home and several picturesque acres of wooded land around it.

It was a bit disconcerting hearing things screeching and barking at midnight. I don't know if the sounds came from nocturnal animals, or resulted from local pagan rituals. I didn't like to ask.

On display above the bottom of the stairs was this young gent:


I think the effect was meant to be intimidating, in the same way as the sign which says "THIS IS ANFIELD" above the entrance of the tunnel at Liverpool FC. Except, instead of freaking out opposition teams, this one sends out the subliminal message "HERE BE BEASTS HERE IN EAST ANGULAR. FUCK OFF HOME IF YOU DON'T LIKE OUR ANCIENT COUNTRY WAYS, YOU PONCEY SOUTHERN TOWNIE, OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU".

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Comments:
I like the sound of you - and I live in Norfolk, so if you come here again please get in touch and we can be grumpy togeter
 
Nice to see someone putting the East Anglians in their place, but more importantly, order has been restored to the cosmos by seeing you back here blogging.
 
There be beasts there at Anfield. They tell you to Fuck off if you don't like their filthy cheating Koppite Bastard ways or dare to support a poncey team that plays good clean(ish) footie in non red shirts.
 
Stuffing dead animals sounds like it would be popular in country areas. That's why the Lib Dems hang out there.
Whas there a sign on the dead otter saying "In case of emergency break the glass"?
 
Up the Kop! At least they're not Man Utd.

I avoid East Angular. It's full of witches covens and Lovejoy lookalikes with stumpy legs and mullets.
 
Harem Member - um, thank you. There appear to be a lot of grumpy bloggers in Norfolk so I'm sure you're one among many.

Vicus - I don't know if order being restored to the cosmos is a good thing, but thanks all the same.

Kaz - I'm sure I could be persuaded by your argument which is, of course, entirely unbiased.

Murph - stuffing dead animals? That's not a nice thing to think about doing to "Minging" Campbell!

Yeah, the otter would've come in useful if there'd been a fire caused by us ... well, attempting to make a coal fire.

Garfer - well, there are enough witches covens and mulleted Lovejoy lookalikes in our bit of Bexleyheath, so we really felt at home.
 
Betty,

I know you were freezing but what an inhumane way to get a little 'otter (groan).
 
There may be witches covens here in Narfuk, but be thankful we don't run around starkers.
Well, not in this nippy weather, anyway...
 
Reg - I was confused by the "in case of emergency, break seal on glass" sign on the presentation case. "That's not a seal - it's an otter!" I said.

Inexplicable - Narfuk blogger Murph seems to run around starkers quite a lot. There is photographic evidence to back this up.
 
To save keystrokes, just call Inexplicable "IVD".

IVD: We're very thankful you don't run around starkers. Seeing you in the Elf Shorts was enough of a horror show.
 
Are you sure it was stuffed and not just frozen?
 
It's a lutra lutra (says Llewtrah).

I have a stuffed squirrel called Sammy. He lost an argument with a car. It's amazing how a 3D critter can go 2D and then be returned to 3D.
 
good lord.

i don't even live in norfolk but apparently i am so ingrained with east-angular-ism that i nearly became affronted enough to invite garfer and vicus to fuck right off.

it was never like this when i lived in essex.
 
btw, narrfolk people have an extra eye under their left arm and (according to one of the "managers" where i work) use the "torrlett" when they need a spot of bladder-related relief. so, make no mistake that narrfolk is scary.

suffolk is fine though.

yes.
 
MJ - I didn't like to use the abbreviation IDV because it might look as if I was nicking someone else's idea. Some of these bloggers are very touchy about their "work" being copied ;) Those Elf Shorts terrify me.

Doris - it looks as if it's covered in a layer of frost, doesn't it? It also has a fish in its mouth, possibly supplied by Bird's Eye.

Llewtrah - I have the feeling that the couple who owned the cottage were into taxidermy. There were also some very small stuffed birds of some kind of foreign origin in the living room. They were into ornithology and were away for a few days birdwatching in Istanbul!

Surly - as I come from a place where people pronounce toilet "tarlett" I don't know if I'm best placed to judge how normal or abnormal Norfolk people are. Perhaps it's something to do with living several miles below sea level though?
 
You came to Norfolk and you didn't pop round for tea and biscuits?
When my nice house in the country is lovely and warm with plenty of booze.
I'm deeply wounded!
Hee hee.
Glad you're back in the Utility Room, Betty.
Welcome home.
 
Dive - thanks. I'm not comfortable about the idea of meeting other bloggers, what with being very dreary company and with the social phobia and all. At best, it would end up with knuckle chewingly awful gaps in conversation. At worst it would end up with me having a panic attack. Not particularly pleasant for anyone concerned, obviously. Well, apart from the kind of tossers who say "I thrive on going outside my comfort zone" and that sort of bollocks.

Er ...
 
Sure you're great company, Betty.

Love the idea of football teams having stuffed animals to greet the teams as they assemble in the tunnel before the game...
 
Ben - I think at this point I ought to make a quip about Chelsea's board of directors not mingling with the players before a match. Boom boom.
 
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