Wednesday, February 14, 2007


There are some of you who will be celebrating the gloating smugathon of Valentine's Day with a lervvvved one.

Could this be because you

(1) Are in the early, stupid stage of a relationship? For the first eighteen months, scientific evidence suggests that lovers' IQs fall by an incredible EIGHTY THREE per cent. Mentioning one's love object's name in every conversation and spouting gibberish about how "every day is like Valentine's Day with him/her" is not uncommon, along with the spontaneous purchasing of soppy presents or weekends spent in overpriced hotels where you'll wake all the other guests up with your interminable noisy shagging sessions. Don't worry: eventually you'll come back down to earth, otherwise everyone you know will find you unbearable to be around and you won't have any friends left.

(2) Actually have an IQ which is eighty three per cent lower than the average?

Either way, I hope you have a rilly rilly happy dae and your loved one sends you an expensive bunch of flowers to your place of work so that you can feel smug and superior in front of all your work colleagues, especially the barren spinsters.

I love everyone, me.

Betty. I yearn for you tragically.
Eighteen months? Are you sure? I thought it was six, and that I was now out of the woods with regard to noisy sex and spontaneous gifts.

(NB I have never had noisy sex in the woods. Apart from that one time.)

Fortunately for the sensibilities of the rest of the blogosphere, I am spending Valentine's day in the company of my aged expatriate mother, and have received nothing in the post apart from a bank statement.

Will you and Geoff not be enjoying a romantic candlelit meal later, then?
Who is Dae and is she available?
I have to wait for the weekend, but I will cook a nice meal. How can Guardian readers have lower than average IQs? Sometimes I feel like signing onto an English Lit course just to keep up with him!
Hello Betty

Loved your comments on dating so much thught I would see if we could do some business.

We are a new company building approximately 60 websites (as part of a community building exercise) and launching two (below) we are looking to add Banners and/or reciprocal links to Blogs that we believe would be of interest to our members.

Please let me know if this would be of interest to you.

Many thanks
John (O'Reilly)

Hey, where are all the dating people showing interest in my blog? Aint fair.
Fuckers. Or probably they aren't.
Vicus - it could only ever end in tragedy, couldn't it?

Patroclus - only yesterday my mother in law was warning me about all those people on the internet who are into dogging. Now I see that she was right!

Geoff appears to be recording an unlistenable progressive rock compiation CD for a friend for the rest of the day, so the romantic meal will have to wait until our *anniversary* celebration. What a shame I couldn't type that bit in really small letters.

Richard - Doris, available any dae naew.

Llewtrah - well, I read the Guardian and I have a very low IQ. Mind you, reading that Review section and realising that I've never heard of and will never see or read all those paintings, plays and books always sends me into a state of despair.

People Meeting People - I don't think you'd do much business here. Most of the visitors are either young, gorgeous looking and getting plenty or at the other extreme - geriatrics who think it's a major triumph to remember that they've taken the right cocktail of tablets each day, let alone copping off. Best of luck, anyway.

Vicus - I can recommend you to them if you want!
We loves everyone too.

Even MJ at a push.
Pig & Taz - ah yes, bring tha lerve. Give peace a chance.

This is P & T telling us how much they lerve us ...

On my way to work I saw two different men both wielding tragically insignificant bunches of flowers.

Oh lucky, lucky girls.
On the news they reported that men waste oops I mean spend an average of about $150 on VD and the ladies 'put out'about $75.
For men it is akin to buying sex and for $150 they could get a pro..for women it is a fantastic opportunity to extort gifts for services rendered.
Unless of course you are in that infatuation stage where critical thinking abilities are completely obliterated. The price of securing the object of your obssession for the purposes of exchanging bodily fluids under the kitchen table at the drop of a hat is beyond estimation...

when the smoke clears and synapses return and you find that you still enjoy the company of the disheveled mess flopped on the couch who is lugging around decades of unresolved baggage and issues and you can overlook and forgive everything that they ever did to destroy your fragile inner child....
you truly are one of the luckiest people on the planet.
Asda was full of people buying roses and getting in my way today. Gah!
Spinsterella - those girls will probably say "aaww, he tries, bless him!" Yuck.

Homo Escapeons - blimey, this comment deserves a post of its own. God, if someone ever thought they could buy me for a bunch of flowers and a meal ... couples really are insufferable though, aren't they?

Billy - Asda flowers. ASDA FLOWERS. Phew, CLASSY.
Hi Betty! We're all watching the car crash which is the Brits!
Murph, we've put it on Sky Plus so that's something to look forward to. Every year I hope it will live up/down to the Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox episode, but it's all become a bit too slick and uneventful. I don't think James Blunt is up for an award, which is a shame, as I could do with a good laugh.
Well it's not slick tonight but not up to the Fleetwood/Fox standards. Waste of hard disc space I'd say.
I bought a birthday card by mistake and had to cross out birthday and write 'valentines day' in curly script. I got given a free Biba goodie bag from London Fashion Week with metal gold eye shadow, bright red lip stain and moisturiser for 'ageing skin' in it which was tipped onto the bed really romantically (not!) out of a crumpled Zara bag - who says romance isn't dead? And we all got a card addressed 'to my family - be my valentine' and far more interestingly an envelope addressed to me but with nothing in it. Oh it's all go here I can tell you.
Realdoc - seen it and deleted it. I was hoping for more drunks making an exhibition of themselves, or punch ups on stage. Apart from that bloke out of Orson obviously having "met Charlie" in the gents, and Joss Stone apparently having gone a bit strange in the head, it was a letdown on that front.

Rockmother - metal gold eyeshadow and bright red lip stain. Sounds ideal for creating the Jerry Hall circa 1975, as featured on Roxy Music's Let's Stick Together Video. I wonder if Bryan Ferry is much good at buying Valentine's cards and gifts?
Ferry doesn't need to buy Valentine's gifts - he can give a romantic punnet of potatoes from his allotment.

I wish I'd watched the Brits now.
Tazzy and Piggy's lurve is the reason I get up in the morning.
I "celebrated" by stuffing my fat middle-aged face with chocolates.
Patroclus - I could just imagine Bryan stomping into the living room in his wellies, leaving muddy footprints on the floor, throwing down a sack of King Edwards and saying "'ere yer are darlin', it's the fort as counts".

MJ - why is that, do they leave you a phone alarm call message saying "get up you lazy Canuck cunt"?

Cheesemeister - let's hear it for chocolates. Why should anyone have to wait for a man to buy them, eh?
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