Monday, January 08, 2007


So, happy sixtieth burffday Mr Bowie. How you got this far after all the Colombian marching powder you've hoovered up you nose and the longstanding chainsmoking habit is a minor miracle.

When I was about nine I used to hang out with the hardest girl in our class. She would turn up at school in yellow skinny rib jumpers, Oxford bags, two tone stack heeled clogs, smock coats and the like. This was more suitable wear for someone in their teens, and she was always a couple of months ahead of what everyone else wore fashion wise. I was never going to be able to compete, with my mum's intention being to make me wear "sensible" "warm" clothes (bah!) , hand-me-downs from my millions of cousins and the much loathed flat shoes "so you won't have an accident and fall over" (bloody bollocks! How could she not realise that it was IMPORTANT to wear four inch heeled t-bar platforms???).

Oh, and the hardest girl in our class was lucky enough to have short bogbrush copper hair at the point when David Bowie made short bogbrush copper hair fashionable - hers wasn't even dyed!

It would be natural to assume that the hardest girl in our class would have come from a very poor family ("it was society wot dunnit") but this wasn't the case. Her parents were teachers and she lived in A Very Nice House - well, compared to everyone else I knew. When I was at her birthday party and she was out of the room a discussion took place about how the hardest girl in our class lived in A Very Nice House compared to the rest of us povs: "anyone who doesn't rent a house is rich. The hardest girl in our class's parents own their house, so they're REALLY posh and wealthy" one girl informed us, solemnly.

On Friday mornings, discussion with the hardest girl in our class tended to lead to noting who had been on Top Of The Pops the previous night. "Do you like David Bowie? I think he's really gorgeous" she would declare, or "I really fancy Bryan Ferry". Basically, she was the first person I encountered who had fairly cool taste in music (and possibly the last for a number of years).

The hardest girl in our class was described as "a little monster" by the headmaster. However, most teachers turned a blind eye to her monstrous behaviour. Because her parents were teachers.

Being the hardest girl in our class, and a little monster, it was inevitable that she eventually turn on me (after about a year and a half, which was pretty good going really in childhood terms). In fact, she turned half of the girls in my class against me in one afternoon break as well, and it ended up as a Lord Of The Flies scenario. I was covered in bruises in all sorts of interesting places, but, as the saying goes, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I learned two important things in a short space of time:

(i) not to hang around with the hardest girls in my year anymore.

(ii) children are uncivilised little brutes compared to adults.

I couldn't wait to grow up ...

If I ever met the hardest girl in our class again at a school reunion I would throw my drink over her and call her a fucking sadistic ugly evil bitch, then walk out.

This is why I'm not remotely interested in joining up with Friends Reunited.

I still jest lerrvve David Bowie, though.

Why do teachers always marry other teachers?
I reckon that bitch went to my school too in the form of Heidi Kingham. What a proper rotter!
Billy - there are a few teachers who read this blog, so I wouldn't want to hazard a guess. Maybe there's all sorts of dodgy stuff that goes on in staffrooms ...

UnderCrackers - I think there has to be at least one in each school year, in the same way that there has to be at least one stirring two faced cow in every office.
my somethime friend/arch nemesis (who also turned half of my class against me) was very pretty, had rich parents and went off to drama school in stratford (upon avon, not east london).

last i heard, she was waitressing at a beefeater.

I'm not so sure Bowie resides in the same dimension as myself.

Mind you, I'm not sure I reside in the same one as everyone else.

I can't stand him though. Thank fuck he hasn't got long left.
OK, I confess I was a teacher who married a teacher. Good thing I decided not to breed.

As a devoted Bowie follower I shall ignore P&T - they should be used to it by now!
Bowie rules! Up the Dave!
Bowie is crap. Long live death metal!
Ziggy-era Bowie is alright. All his other stuff is unlistenable arty crap. Long live REAL rock 'n' roll (in other words, Iron Maiden)
Surly Girl - I like to think that the hardest girl in our class ended up in some really shit job, but I bet she is really rich and at the top of the career ladder. That's how things usually tend to turn out for bullies, it seems.

P & T - heh heh, it's a good job that Swipe bloke doesn't visit here anymore, otherwise you'd be subjected to an angry hundred word rant about the genius of Bowie.

Kaz - yes, but why do teachers marry teachers? That is the question ...

Okay, I made the next three comments up. I just wanted to see the names Pig and Taz, Kaz, Baz, Gaz and Daz together in succession, because I am a twat.
Happy Birthday Davy Jones!
Bowie is my Beatles..I came of age during Ziggy and hummed Letter to Hermione and Man Who Sold the World while trudging off to school.
Despite the extravagent , herculean efforts to promote his alternative lifestyle his knack at inventing and surfing musical trends is unparralleled in modern music...
on top of being an artist's artist (and how many musicians are genuine artists) he was an astute businessman and had the cajones to experiment.
I have over 9 hours of Bowie music in my music library and still believe that has a few more songs in him.

As for that little bitch, I am certain that the Karmic Boomerang will have delivered an equally harsh measure of justice by now...and if nothing else she turned you on to David.
She is probably a teacher and would be 'mortified' if she really knew what an effect she had had on people's memories. I bet she was like that BECAUSE her parents were teachers.

I met an older girl neighbour as an adult who I was genuinely TERRIFIED of as a child. She secretly bullied me from age 4 and I used to shake and want to wee myself if I spotted her half a mile down the road. We met as adults at a dinner party and I couldn't speak to her as I was still terrified that she would even recognise me. Finally I got up the courage and told her who I was and what she did. She was beyond mortified. I found it really difficult to find much compassion but at least I finally laid my fear to rest! In hindsight, she had a shit family life so no wonder but she was genuinely evil but even so....
I thought Kaz, Gaz, Baz and Daz were an early Boy Band. Didn't Daz leave to take part in a Soap?
A hard girl terrorised the entire year when I was at a good old sink secondary school. I remember climbing a tall iron fence, while carrying a cookery basket, trying to avoid her.
Later I found out she lived in a semi. With a porch!
Funny I read that as porsche!

Teachers marry teachers beacuse they don't get out much. They sit at home preparing lessons and marking books and they can't talk about anything but teaching.

They are so mind numbingly boring that no one else will put up with them.
My mum was a teacher, so people usually presumed my dad was as well. After a while, he just bowed to the inevitable, and allowed them to make up an entire parallel existence for him.

Incientally, your hard girl thing reminds me of the posh bird (Penny?) in Grange Hill, who turned out in real life to be a) a Camden punk with a penchant for white-face makeup and b) the daughter of Beryl Bainbridge.
The friend-turning-against-you thing happened to me as well. At university.

I wish her nothing but ill.
H.E. - there was actually a TV programme (which I didn't see) in which Bowie's "astute business acumen" was looked at in detail. I mean, who cares? If you've got something that's worth promoting, why not promote it? Better that he flog his wares than the modern equivalent (Paris Hilton or Victoria Beckham).

As for that girl, I think that something positive came out of that experience, in that I developed quite a good bullshit detector when it comes to other people. It doesn't pay to be too trusting. Oh, and I learned early on that there's nothing wrong with being an outsider! Nothing worse than needy people who have to feel that they "belong". Poor sods - most people have to wait until adulthood to find that out.

Rockmother - I got the impression that her parents were pretty easygoing people, whereas mine were quite bad tempered and strict (well, by modern standards!) There was something about the way she used mindgames and got people to do the dirty work for her which makes me think she carried on being a complete bitch even when she grew up. Well ... I hope not, for the sake of other people.

Murph - Kaz, Gaz, Baz and Daz all sound as if they could be found in a 1970's youth club. One unfortunate lad in our class called Gary Smith acquired the unfortunate nickname of Gazza Smigga.
Arabella - you should have thumped her with the cookery basket. From what I remember, they used to weigh half a ton, with all the ingredients your parents were meant to fork out for. Mind you, a semi! With a porch! What a rich bitch.

Kaz - that's that sorted out then. I prefer the idea of them all having an orgy in the staffroom, but that's because I'm really lowbrow.

Tim - the posh bird in Grange Hill was probably on there when I got too old to watch it, unless I've forgotten her completely. The last thing I can remember is the outspoken maverick shortarse poet Danny wotsit trying to lead a school revolt and, I think, dying in the swimming pool.

Spinsterella - it seems to happen to everyone at some point. Such are the joys of having to co-exist with other human beings. It's very difficult to forgive and forget, isn't it?
God, don't you just love the drama of childhood - bloody brilliant - it's like we all lived in Grange Hill. I bet there is not one person out there who doesn't have some huge psycho-drama that went on in their childhood. I bet every one of us had a super powerful crush on someone too - God the pain of it all. She was the daughter of two teachers - boy, I loved her so bad it hurt.
Tom - I can honestly say that I didn't have a crush on anyone in my school. It was the 1970's, after all. There was a boy at a local technical college who used to be walking the other way at the same point as I was going to school who I was a bit droolly about, to the point that sometimes I used to cross over the road when I saw him because I was so embarrassed.

Then, one day, I saw him with his arm around a short girl with a fat arse and bleached hair with dark roots showing.

I didn't fancy him anymore.
It would be nice to think that the bullies who took it out on me have matured into nice, rounded members of society but somehow I don't think so. The worst thing was, they were all my friends. I pray for some speed camera karma to be visited upon them.
Richard - I don't want to get up on the moral highground about bullies because, in "what monkey see, monkey do" mode, I tried to intimidate another girl myself a bit later that year (I was nine years old. As I said in the post, children are little brutes, and I'm not proud of what I did). Anyway, fortunately, she managed to outsmart me, which meant that (hopefully) there was no long lasting psychological damage on her part and (definitely) it proved how useless I was as a bully.
I was locked in a locker once by a girl who looked like all the prisoners on Prisoner Cell Block H. Don't know what happened to her. I liked Hunky Dory Bowie even though he looked horrible with long hair.
Realdoc - she probably ended up starring in Prisoner Cell Block H. Or actually in jail.

David Bowie didn't look to good in those tights/leotards combos either really.
David Bowie comes from Penge. No wonder he felt at home with Iggy Pop.

I was always the hardest kid in the class, being pampered and that.
*imagines Garfer as Little Lord Fauntleroy, in lace collar and velvet breeches*

Har har har.
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