Tuesday, January 02, 2007


Every last blogger and his wife feels obliged to tell the world about their New Year resolutions, then steps away from it all by saying "... but what's the point of making resolutions anyway? You're bound to break them, tee hee."

So why should I be any different?

This year I'll ...

* go to Spanish classes because it's great fun and it's a great way of meeting new people.

* attend Salsa classes because it's a great way of keeping fit and meeting new people.

* do loads of baking.

* carry on working on my first novel.

* stop swearing.

* have a more positive opinion of myself and other people.

* attend lots of blogmeets because it's great fun and a great way to meet new people.

* drink at least two litres of water a day and eat broccoli with every meal.




did you actually believe any of that? You daft bugger.

Instead, some do-able resolutions:

* try to exfoliate more.

* remember to touch my roots up more often. That band of grey hair around the side parting isn't very chic, is it? From a distance, it looks as if you've got an inverse mohican.

* bleach my moustache. I was inspired to do this after seeing Amy Winehouse on Joollz Holland'z "HOOTENINNY!!!" (which also reminded me that heroin addiction isn't a good idea, but that's another story). Still, if any of the laydeez out there have any advice about moustache care, I'll be grateful. I tried those wax strips once but they were useless. I didn't realise that I hadn't washed all the wax off properly, went to sit outside (it was a hot summer day) and ended up with minor burns. I looked like John Major for a fortnight. I'm a bit worried that bleach will leave me with the kind of silvery, downy moustache that very old mongrel dogs tend to have.

* try to read more than the pathetic 7 and a half books I read in 2006. At the moment I'm STILL bogged down in M Proust's Swann's Way, with about 150 pages to go. I wish Swann would either kill himself or the bint he's obsessed with. I think, on the whole, I prefer Billy Swann who did I Can Help (ref: YouTube).

So, in conclusion, I intend to carry on with the increasing struggle to look like a presentable human being in the face of old age and decay, and to read more books that I'll promptly forget the entire content of.

See you in 2027, by the look of things.

I noticed that too, poor Amy Winehouse, I would have reached for the facial veet with those sideburns.

The other thought I had was "She'll regret those tattoos before much longer"

Great voice though.
Happy New Year, missed Amy Winehouse.

Drink more water, thats a good one.
Exfoliation is good. Now if I could just remember to put moisture lotion on my feet. This summer weather kind of demands it.
Salsa and Spanish classes? Come on Betty, that's so 2006...

2007 is the year of Bulgarian and hip-hop.
The rather unfortunately surnamed Amy WINEhouse (seeing as she likes quite alot of it by all accounts) was pretty downy - I put that down to anorexia though.

Yes - come on Betty - Bulgarian folk hip-hop and Gillian McKeith's superfoods are where it's at this year.
Jane - even if she had as much body hair as Robin Williams, I doubt she'd notice in her, erm, "tired and emotional" glazed over state.

Heather - Happy new year to you too. I would hope you DID miss Joolls Holland and His Hooteninny, what with you being young and having better things to do with your time.

Chosha - the exfoliation is a last ditch attempt to stop the spread of cellulite. Actually, it probably means that I'm in denial.

Kellycat - no Bulgarian classes at the Barnehurst College Of Business, Technology And Other Stuff, I'm afraid. As for the hip hop - does that mean drive by shooting is all the rage this year? Ooh, good.

Rockmother - Bulgarian folk hip hop sounds just the sort of thing Phill Jupitus would be in favour of. Gillian McKeith is a mad old boot who thinks that spinach photosynthesises in the gut. She should be locked away in a high security prison for all our sakes.
Gillian McKeith is a charlatan. I like watching her programme though - she's such a cow and she walks like she's got something shoved up her arse - oh yeah - her ego!
Perhaps that's a resolution I could pursue this year - get a spurious "doctorate" from an American university in America then gad about advising people on nutrition. It worked for Gillian McK.
When I become vastly wealthy the first thing I'm going to do is buy a PhD and a peerage. And I'll make everybody call me Lady-Spin-Doctor.

PS Betty - going back to one of your posts from about a million years ago - I watched the Great Escape the other day and now I know who James Coburn is.

I see what you mean.
Re the hirsuteness of upper lip. I have it on the very best authority that ‘electrolysis’ is the only solution.
It will make you look like that Elsa Lanchester in The Bride of Frankenstein - but hey what’s a few side effects?
No don't mention it Betty - I'm just happy to help.
Spinsterella aka Doctorella - do you mean re. what I said about him being a bit of alright or re. the terrible Australian accent he had in The Great Escape? I don't think he was particularly fanciable in that film. Cross Of Iron though - now yer talking. Grrr.

Kaz - a fiftysomething woman I was on an IT course with got electrolysis for her moustache on the cheap using one of the trainee college beauticians. I think it was dead expensive even at those rates, plus there is a higher risk of being electrocuted to a frazzle. I think I'll stick with Veet or Jolene, thanks all the same
You could go the Duncan Goodhew route and fall out of a tree. No moustache, but then no bodily hair at all. At least you won't have to worry about touching up the roots.
Wasn't Jolene the one who wanted to take my man, and would she please not? I'm lost.
Realdoc - but then you have to paint your eyebrows on every day and wear a wig. Wigs are rubbish and look nothing like real hair, even very expensive ones. The only style on offer is always a variation of Fern Britton's hairdo, but with a higher nylon content.

Mangonel - too true, I think the product is actually called Jolen. I ought to learn more about these products as I grow older. In a few years I'll have to make sure I spell Tener Lady right. Oh dear ...
Tenalady I think you'll find, I only know in a professional capacity of course.
Realdoc, I'm glad that I don't know how to spell it yet. Reminds me to do my pelvic floor exercises though ...
Broccoli is nice deep fried,

It becomes all crispy and edible.

That's saturated fat for you. Unmissable.
depilitory creme works well on chickstache. unibrow too. if you want to go for the dolphin look you could try surviving a flaming crash in a top fuel funnycar. thats been known to get rid of superflous hair. loosen the bowels, too.

glad to help.
Garfer - why does healthy food have to taste so bloody awful? Why do people who eat healthy food go to such great efforts to pretend they really enjoy doing so?

First Nations - ah, the Nikki Lauda look. I think having to attend a Swiss clinic every few months for the rest of my life to get skin grafts might be a bit inconvenient. Perhaps after all this advice I'll stick to using tweezers to pull out the bristlier hairs instead.
I resolve to continue being a fat slob, although I am currently drinking enough water to float the proverbial battleship. But maybe I can resolve to be a more fit fat slob by exercising a little more.
Oh, it's an uphill battle. I do quite a bit of exercise actually but, annoyingly, once you're over forty your body just wants to expand widthways like a tampon.

(see, I have to be crude, don't I?)
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