Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Don't worry - I've done all the hard work for you, and have tried and tested all the best celebrity workouts so you don't have to. I'm going to give a star rating for all of the "(low fat) cream of the crop" starting with the outright winner ...
BIG MICHELLE OFF OF THE X-FACTOR'S BLUBBERBUSTER WORKOOT
Michelle, 26, lost an eye popping FOURTEEN AND A HALF STONES thanks to her "Blubberbuster Workoot". The workout certainly makes you hot, sweaty and flustered, and you end up with aches in muscles you didn't even know existed for weeks afterwards. It involves a combination of boxcercise, Thai kickboxercise, all in wrestling, aerobics, "extreme" darts, 10,000 meter steeplechase and a three times a week 10 mile run. Not for the fainthearted, and it certainly requires dedication, but boy, does it shift the pounds!
However, Michelle insists that exercise has to be combined with sensible, healthy eating and, in her case, a complete change of lifestyle:
"I tell ye, for years mah typical Saturday night oot consisted of a fush and chup supper - that was TRIPLE fush and chups from the chuppie on the esteet, mind ye, wi' curry sauce, and washed doon wi' ten cans of Tennents Extrae. Then ah used tae hang aroond ootside the chuppie. I'd be soo oot of mah heed tha' ah'd call ANYONE fae a fight. "Yooo lookin' at ME ye big bastard?" ah'd say, "I'll kuck yeer HEED in an' re-arrange ye FACE, ah tell ye".
Now, thankfully, those days are gone.
"Aye, ah had tae cut all that oot. Noo ah drink 3 pints of carrot juice a day and have an evening "treat" of two pieces of steamed celery. I'm in bed bah 9 o'clock and I cannae drink booze. I tell ye, I feel aboot 10 years' younger and nae one on the estate is frightened of me anymoor. In fact, they used tae call me "Big Michelle" an' saw me as some sort of Prisoner Cell-Block H type. Noo they just call me Michelle! It's great!"
So, if Michelle can change her life - I'm sure you can. Give it a go, girls!
STAR RATING: * * * * *
I'll be back with the best of the rest soon.
I know where you live.
You will die, you will die.
I'm off for a kebab and six packets of pork scratchings (and some chips 'n' curry sauce).
Just tae keep ma strength up like.
Garfer - ill considered Begsbie-off-Trainspotting invective, more like. Well, he is the sort of bloke you'd probably fear in real life, eh?
Anyway, I'd be careful about what you say. *Apparently* all the people in this borough are more feral than the wildlife. Of course, I'm only here to pander to people's prejudice and snobbishness, so I say ...
"You got a beef or summink? You got a problem?"
"Yeah, come on, fink you're hard do ya?"
And muscles weigh so much more than flab.
Perhaps Michelle should go back to single fush and chupps and a bit of serious reclining!
Cost of which is £14.99 (liposuction is an optional extra).
Mind you, I'm not sure it's going to sell too well now, is it? Except to racist bullying cunts perhaps ...
First Nations - well, she will in front of other people, won't she? Baaad Michelle ...