Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Ladies, admit it - in the New Year we always want to lose a few pounds, and end up looking at the DVD's in Woolworths to assess which is the workout that'll help us get back in shape so we look our best sat around the swimming pool in Magaluf.

Don't worry - I've done all the hard work for you, and have tried and tested all the best celebrity workouts so you don't have to. I'm going to give a star rating for all of the "(low fat) cream of the crop" starting with the outright winner ...


Michelle, 26, lost an eye popping FOURTEEN AND A HALF STONES thanks to her "Blubberbuster Workoot". The workout certainly makes you hot, sweaty and flustered, and you end up with aches in muscles you didn't even know existed for weeks afterwards. It involves a combination of boxcercise, Thai kickboxercise, all in wrestling, aerobics, "extreme" darts, 10,000 meter steeplechase and a three times a week 10 mile run. Not for the fainthearted, and it certainly requires dedication, but boy, does it shift the pounds!

However, Michelle insists that exercise has to be combined with sensible, healthy eating and, in her case, a complete change of lifestyle:

"I tell ye, for years mah typical Saturday night oot consisted of a fush and chup supper - that was TRIPLE fush and chups from the chuppie on the esteet, mind ye, wi' curry sauce, and washed doon wi' ten cans of Tennents Extrae. Then ah used tae hang aroond ootside the chuppie. I'd be soo oot of mah heed tha' ah'd call ANYONE fae a fight. "Yooo lookin' at ME ye big bastard?" ah'd say, "I'll kuck yeer HEED in an' re-arrange ye FACE, ah tell ye".

Now, thankfully, those days are gone.

"Aye, ah had tae cut all that oot. Noo ah drink 3 pints of carrot juice a day and have an evening "treat" of two pieces of steamed celery. I'm in bed bah 9 o'clock and I cannae drink booze. I tell ye, I feel aboot 10 years' younger and nae one on the estate is frightened of me anymoor. In fact, they used tae call me "Big Michelle" an' saw me as some sort of Prisoner Cell-Block H type. Noo they just call me Michelle! It's great!"

So, if Michelle can change her life - I'm sure you can. Give it a go, girls!

STAR RATING: * * * * *

I'll be back with the best of the rest soon.

Fnarf fnarf guffaw. You are sooooo bad Bettster!
Ill considered Scotophobic invective.

I know where you live.

You will die, you will die.

I'm off for a kebab and six packets of pork scratchings (and some chips 'n' curry sauce).

Just tae keep ma strength up like.
Rockmother - I'm pretty awful actually. Well, this doesn't seem too popular, does it? Never mind, I've got some more lined up for the next post. You have to follow your creative path rather than what your audience wants, daahhling.

Garfer - ill considered Begsbie-off-Trainspotting invective, more like. Well, he is the sort of bloke you'd probably fear in real life, eh?

Anyway, I'd be careful about what you say. *Apparently* all the people in this borough are more feral than the wildlife. Of course, I'm only here to pander to people's prejudice and snobbishness, so I say ...

"You got a beef or summink? You got a problem?"

"Yeah, come on, fink you're hard do ya?"
Only some, Betty. Only some. I think you're in one of the more civilsed enclaves aren't you?
Nowhere I live can ever be described as civilised.

Well, at least I hope not.
"Uncivilised" is certainly a word I would use to describe what I've read here. Honestly, the subject matter and some of the language used!
But Betty: Correct me if I'm wrong - but doesn't all that horrible exercise stuff build up muscles?
And muscles weigh so much more than flab.
Perhaps Michelle should go back to single fush and chupps and a bit of serious reclining!
Kaz - Michelle feels that gaining muscle will help her fearsome fighting reputation. If she is eventually allowed back on the booze, she wants to "hold her aen" in pub brawls, apparently
I hope you'll end up reviewing Ms Goody's "Swearing to Slim for Aggresives" DVD that's just been released.

Cost of which is £14.99 (liposuction is an optional extra).
I wouldn't be surprised if Ms Goody's latest DVD turns up in my next post.

Mind you, I'm not sure it's going to sell too well now, is it? Except to racist bullying cunts perhaps ...
Sadly I have just tried and failed India and Neris' idiot proof diet. Fell off the wagon today -day 4. The lure of a pink quality street and bagle were more than I could bear. Oh well there's always next year. I had a cig afterwards so there goes the giving up smoking too
how much you want to bet she's drinking a diet Coke?
TME - climb back onto the wagon of self righteousness this minute! A ciggie, a pink Quality Street and a bagel are just a temporary glitch. You have to play the long game.

First Nations - well, she will in front of other people, won't she? Baaad Michelle ...
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