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Friday, January 19, 2007

THE BEST OF THE REST 

The runners up in the Best Keep Fit DVD On The High Street award!


JANICE BATTERSBY'S EVIL HOBGOBLIN WORKOUT

Janice, coathanger-mouthed evil hobgoblin from Coronation Street, has dropped from a size sixteen to a SIZE SIX in a couple of months thanks to the Evil Hobgoblin Workout! A diet of fags, twenty pints of ale in the Rovers every night and a lunchtime hotpot provides you with enough energy to carry on avoiding work, gossiping and generally stirring it up at the factory all week long. The fitness element comprises a one hour workout, traditional bareknuckle fighting, extreme darts, taekwondo, knock down ginger, skittles and participation in a weekly Rugby League match. Not for the fainthearted, but you'll be able to get into those skinny jeans at last, ladies!

STAR RATING: * * * * and a bit.

JADE GOODY'S BERMONDSEY KNEES UP WORKAAAHHHT

Lovely, gentle, caring, fragrant Jade off the telly combines aerobics, yoga, yoghurt, speed walking, extreme darts, mountain biking and weight training in a tasty but low fat stew. Unfortunately, all of that hard work didn't pay off and she had to have most of her body fat sucked out via her stomach into an industrial strength hoover. Yuck! "Jade is a brave, beautiful, strong and accomplished young woman" sez journalist Julie Burchill (probably).

STAR RATING: * *

BARRY SCOTT'S CILLIT BANGERCISE WORKOUT

Limescale! Rust! Ground in dirt! Yep, it's the happy hardcore mix of the classic advert that everyone's talking about (with thanks to Rockmother). Now extended to an hour and a half of bangin' beats, all you have to do is scrub those stubborn-to-remove household stains in time to the music and you'll be shagged out. Not since the days of smearing yourself with Vics Vapo Rub, wearing a dust mask and dropping a talcum powder and aspirin "dove" at Amnesia, eh kids?

STAR RATING: * * *

AMY WINEHOUSE'S "THEY TRIED TO MAKE ME GO TO REHAB" NON-WORKOUT
Amy's revolutionary weightloss concept involves no exercise whatsoever. Look - she's dropped to an American size minus ten! By replacing food with a bottle of gin a day, crack cocaine and heroin, she now has the kind of figure that will get dress designers the world over drooling! Possibly not advisable for long term health benefits, but good for anyone considering a career in showbusiness in America.

STAR RATING: *

THE EXORCIST WORKOUT

Workout those demons with the aid of a real, Evangelical priest! WARNING: Possible side effects include revolving head and projectile vomiting. WARNING: Soundtrack features music from Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield.

STAR RATING: * *

Comments:
I think you should have a party and invite all these people. It would probably blow up into a barney, but at least Barry Scott would be on hand to assist with the cleaning up.
 
I'm all for the Barry Scott Workout - dip the penny,good as new - dip the penny good as new - I tell you - I've lost 1mm off my elbows just today alone!
 
THANK YOU.
 
Amy Winehouse today looks a lot more like the Exorcist girl than the Amy Winehouse of 2 years ago.
 
I could use a good Cillit Bang.
 
Billy - what? Invite Jade Goody, Janice Battersby and Amy Winehouse round to mine for a party? It would take more than Cillit Bang to clear up afterwards. I'm not sure that the insurance company would pay up for the huge amount of damage. They'd probably put it down to an act of God.

Rockmother - I managed about three minutes of scrubbing ceramic tiles before giving up, but then, I was just using Iceland economy brand cleaner rather than Cillit Bang. D'oh!

I'M BARRY SCOTT!! - welcome Barry. There is something strangely alluring about you, despite the dodgy wig. Must be something to do with you being a man who's not afraid to do a bit of housework.

Spinsterella - the current Amy Winehouse probably does more projectile vomiting than the girl who was in The Exorcist.

MJ - it's probably best to stick to using it for the purposes of cleaning around the house, otherwise you could be walking with a very bandy legged gait for several months.
 
Your picture of naked Jade made me physically sick, and while it's not my prefered method of losing weight, I managed to shed a few pounds in the process.
 
(mj - Don't read this!)

Janice's workout must be some good as she's been swept off to France with the bloke who was Alistair Campbell in *The Queen*.

Let's hope she stays there.
 
Too late.

Piggy emailed me with all the current Corrie spoilers yesterday.

Bastard.
 
Istvanski - you managed to lose a few pounds by chucking up once? How much takeaway did you eat last night then?

Kaz - ah, dreams of Janice dying in a ferry crossing ... we can all live in hope. I know her love interest as Tony from Dinner Ladies. He's been in Corrie before, hasn't he?

MJ - so you know about Chesney's grisly death under a combine harvester then!
 
Will someone please kill off that miserable old cow Gail?
 
Hmm, I'm torn between Bangercise and not going rehab. Can I substitute gin and drugs *and* do the Cillit? Maybe a side order of Shake'n'Vac for good measure?
 
I am not quite sure what to say..between scrubbing out the mental images of
Jane's 'goodies',
Amy Crackhouse's evaporation diet,
the availability of Cillit bang in a spray form,
and those soothing images of Linda ((BUHLL-air)) I certainly don't feel like having my afternoon snack..
hey I guess you could say that Betty's Disturbing Images Diet really works!
Thanks.
 
Llewtrah - snorting Shake 'n' Vac makes you feel like king of the world for half an hour, then you come crashing down to a deep depression. Cillit Bang is probably like Diet Coke. You put a coin into either and it's sparkling clean after a bit.

Homo Escapeons - believe me, Janice Battersby is more unappetising and horrible than all of them put together. Still, I'm glad to be of service!
 
Hobgoblin looks disturbingly like Wendy 'I can't smile cos someone's moved me fruit bowl' Richard.
 
Rockmother - that's quite a flattering picture of Janice. A pity that there doesn't seem to be a clip of her infamous *re-working* of Bjork's Its Oh So Quiet on YouTube. That really highlights her unique contribution to British Light Entertainment.
 
Amy's taking a chance walking along that pavement... the gaps between the slabs look enormous in the picture.
("Amy falls into crack" shock horror.)
 
What's happened to Fears Forever? Keeps saying Bad Error 400. I'm gutted - being their biggest fan and all.....
 
Murph - well, we ladies learn from an early age not to step on the cracks in pavements. Not for suspicious reasons, but because stiletto heels tend to get stuck in them and you find yourself suddenly walking along with only one shoe on. Mind you, perhaps there's a whole community of anorexics living underground that's slipped through pavement cracks.

Rockmother - it's definitely still there on my computer. Perhaps there's an ongoing struggle between Mrs Prentiss and Glenda. Tony Adams will be most upset - he's planning to post some of his poetry on there!
 
An e-mail from Mrs Prentiss tells me that she's re-published the most recent post on Fears Forever. Don't know if this means the blog has re-appeared but we shall see, eh!
 
Who IS Barry Scott?

And WHY does he SHOUT so????
 
he SHOUTS because he is barry SCOTT and that alone makes him HAPPY.

i am deeply afraid of amy winehouse (who still reminds me of david walliams when he was being vulva in spaced).
 
Mark - Barry is really "resting" actor Sir Henry Palmer-Jenkins-Trustfund. SHOUTING conveys his enthusiasm for Cillit Bang.

Surly Girl - sniffing Cillit Bang also makes him happy though.

I think Amy Winehouse tries to appear more hard, ahem, "streetwise" and scary than she really is. How hard can you be if you're a Radio Two favourite, after all?
 
At the risk of brown-nosing (some cillit bang should sort that out), I find the uncontrolled sniggering and shaking that this post has caused (and your comment at Wyndham's about the dead old[est] woman) is exercise enough, ta.
 
Inexplicable DV - brown nose all you like. I love having my horrible, huge ego massaged. Wouldn't it be great if you could lose weight and get fit just by laughing at stuff? I'd put the carwash scene or the swearing along with the Tourettes chef scene on Curb Your Enthusiasm on repeat for an hour each day and I'd be a size eight before I knew it.
 
my workout:
1.watch corrie
2. 'corrie' accent leaps onto my face and inserts chitinous needles into each eye and thence into speech centers of brain, inducing prolongs bouts of uncontrollable 'ooooaw luv! cuppa? ta!'
3. hours of fun chased down streets of tiny town, frantically tearing at face to remove unwanted corrie accent facehugger, chased by rednecks thwacking me with rakes.
I LOST TWO DRESS SIZES IN A WEEK!
 
BY THE WAY, I DID TELL AMY WINEHOUSE NOT TO DRINK THE STUFF.
 
First Nations - no rednecks around here to chase you down the street with rakes, but it can't be any worse than being chased by Janice Battersby wielding a steak pie.

I'm Barry Scott!! - HI, RICHARD!
 
*peeking out between fingers* Has the scary picture gone away yet?
 
Annie, which one? They all look pretty scary. Even Barry Scott's Teflon shirt is pretty frightening.
 
NO!! HE'S A THIRD RATE BLOGGER WITH ISSUES AND I'M IN THE FULL GLARE OF THE MEDIA SUPER-TROOPER DUE TO MY MASTERY OF QUASI-IRONIC...ER...SOMETHING. I'M CURRENT, I'M HAPPENING. I'M THE ZEITGEIST
 
Will the real Barry Scott please stand up, please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
 
... or the real Richard?
 
Julie Burchill and Jade in one post. Put me off my food. Well done.
 
Del - funny how everyone finds Jade more hideous than the girl from The Exorcist, which people at the time thought was the most frightening film ever. What odd times we live in ...
 
Agreed, Jade IS more frightening than that girl of The Exorcist.

Probably because Jade is, alas, all too real.

As the image of her in the sea grotesquely demonstrates.

(Which is why you should always take a bucket to the seaside.)
 
Martin - welcome. I must admit to having seen worse sights than that at the seaside ... beargutted hirsute men in Speedoes, 70 year old lobster coloured women in bikinis. A relaxing day at the beach is not for the fainthearted.
 
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