Friday, January 19, 2007
Janice, coathanger-mouthed evil hobgoblin from Coronation Street, has dropped from a size sixteen to a SIZE SIX in a couple of months thanks to the Evil Hobgoblin Workout! A diet of fags, twenty pints of ale in the Rovers every night and a lunchtime hotpot provides you with enough energy to carry on avoiding work, gossiping and generally stirring it up at the factory all week long. The fitness element comprises a one hour workout, traditional bareknuckle fighting, extreme darts, taekwondo, knock down ginger, skittles and participation in a weekly Rugby League match. Not for the fainthearted, but you'll be able to get into those skinny jeans at last, ladies!
STAR RATING: * * * * and a bit.
Lovely, gentle, caring, fragrant Jade off the telly combines aerobics, yoga, yoghurt, speed walking, extreme darts, mountain biking and weight training in a tasty but low fat stew. Unfortunately, all of that hard work didn't pay off and she had to have most of her body fat sucked out via her stomach into an industrial strength hoover. Yuck! "Jade is a brave, beautiful, strong and accomplished young woman" sez journalist Julie Burchill (probably).
STAR RATING: * *
Limescale! Rust! Ground in dirt! Yep, it's the happy hardcore mix of the classic advert that everyone's talking about (with thanks to Rockmother). Now extended to an hour and a half of bangin' beats, all you have to do is scrub those stubborn-to-remove household stains in time to the music and you'll be shagged out. Not since the days of smearing yourself with Vics Vapo Rub, wearing a dust mask and dropping a talcum powder and aspirin "dove" at Amnesia, eh kids?
STAR RATING: * * *
Amy's revolutionary weightloss concept involves no exercise whatsoever. Look - she's dropped to an American size minus ten! By replacing food with a bottle of gin a day, crack cocaine and heroin, she now has the kind of figure that will get dress designers the world over drooling! Possibly not advisable for long term health benefits, but good for anyone considering a career in showbusiness in America.
STAR RATING: *
THE EXORCIST WORKOUT
Workout those demons with the aid of a real, Evangelical priest! WARNING: Possible side effects include revolving head and projectile vomiting. WARNING: Soundtrack features music from Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield.
STAR RATING: * *
Rockmother - I managed about three minutes of scrubbing ceramic tiles before giving up, but then, I was just using Iceland economy brand cleaner rather than Cillit Bang. D'oh!
I'M BARRY SCOTT!! - welcome Barry. There is something strangely alluring about you, despite the dodgy wig. Must be something to do with you being a man who's not afraid to do a bit of housework.
Spinsterella - the current Amy Winehouse probably does more projectile vomiting than the girl who was in The Exorcist.
MJ - it's probably best to stick to using it for the purposes of cleaning around the house, otherwise you could be walking with a very bandy legged gait for several months.
Janice's workout must be some good as she's been swept off to France with the bloke who was Alistair Campbell in *The Queen*.
Let's hope she stays there.
Kaz - ah, dreams of Janice dying in a ferry crossing ... we can all live in hope. I know her love interest as Tony from Dinner Ladies. He's been in Corrie before, hasn't he?
MJ - so you know about Chesney's grisly death under a combine harvester then!
Amy Crackhouse's evaporation diet,
the availability of Cillit bang in a spray form,
and those soothing images of Linda ((BUHLL-air)) I certainly don't feel like having my afternoon snack..
hey I guess you could say that Betty's Disturbing Images Diet really works!
Homo Escapeons - believe me, Janice Battersby is more unappetising and horrible than all of them put together. Still, I'm glad to be of service!
("Amy falls into crack" shock horror.)
Rockmother - it's definitely still there on my computer. Perhaps there's an ongoing struggle between Mrs Prentiss and Glenda. Tony Adams will be most upset - he's planning to post some of his poetry on there!
i am deeply afraid of amy winehouse (who still reminds me of david walliams when he was being vulva in spaced).
Surly Girl - sniffing Cillit Bang also makes him happy though.
I think Amy Winehouse tries to appear more hard, ahem, "streetwise" and scary than she really is. How hard can you be if you're a Radio Two favourite, after all?
2. 'corrie' accent leaps onto my face and inserts chitinous needles into each eye and thence into speech centers of brain, inducing prolongs bouts of uncontrollable 'ooooaw luv! cuppa? ta!'
3. hours of fun chased down streets of tiny town, frantically tearing at face to remove unwanted corrie accent facehugger, chased by rednecks thwacking me with rakes.
I LOST TWO DRESS SIZES IN A WEEK!
I'm Barry Scott!! - HI, RICHARD!
Probably because Jade is, alas, all too real.
As the image of her in the sea grotesquely demonstrates.
(Which is why you should always take a bucket to the seaside.)