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Friday, November 24, 2006

BLOG OFF 

A few don'ts for would-be bloggers who may be passing through on the way to something slightly more interesting. Well, they're things that get on my nerves about blogs, so there's every chance they might get on the nerves of at least a few other people ... right?

Right?

DON'T post up endless pictures of your small children. The only people who are interested in endless pictures of your small children are you and their grandparents. Hey! Why not start a scrapbook full of pictures of your small children so that you and their grandparents can look at it? Then you can avoid annoying the fuck out of the rest of us.

DON'T hog the comments section with your *rapier* wit. One, two, maybe even three (if you're genuinely witty) comments on one post will be quite enough, thank you very much, unless the blogger asks you specific questions, or you're having one of those drunken weekend live chat type sessions. Otherwise you're going to look like a Very Lonely Person. No one should end up looking like a Very Lonely Person, even if they are.

DON'T flirt with other bloggers. Actually, this is possibly persmissible in the under-30's. As for those people who are 40-plus marrieds with families who want to give the impression that they're giggly drooling teenagers ... the expression "too sad for words" applies.

DON'T SWEAR TOO MUCH. Thing is, I like swearing, and think that it is big and clever. The problem is, there is always the chance that your blog will be found be a self-righteous, moronic, God-fearing mother of 6 from the Mid-West who will object to "all uv that filth" being found "by childrunn like mine" and they will click on that "Flag As Inappropriate" thing. I've certainly toned down the swearing, and the tasteless jokes that I love so much these days, regrettably.

DON'T PUBLISH REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG POSTS. I know blogging is a form of rampant egotism, but please spare the poor old reader, who probably has umpteen other posts waiting on their Bloglines list. Do we really need to hear every detail of your ongoing argument with your parents about a disagreement you had 18 months ago, in 40,000 bleating words?

DON'T WRITE ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE unless it's going to appear on an erotic blog. I don't care if you haven't been getting any since 1987 and have met the man/woman of your dreams and you get 20 screaming orgasms every night, in the kitchen, on the patio and in the garden shed. Not only are there single people reading who will feel even worse than they already do, but a lot of people are eating when they're reading stuff on the internet. I mean, euww!

DON'T PRINT YOUR REAL AGE, THEN ACCOMPANY YOUR BLOG WITH AN AVATAR PICTURE OF YOURSELF FROM 20 YEARS AGO. People aren't going to think "ooh, he/she looks good for their age!" They're going to think "God, that reminds me, is there ever going to be a film version of Dynasty? Ha ha ha ha."

DON'T SEND NASTY ABUSIVE ANONYMOUS COMMENTS. All it proves is that you want some kind of infamy to compensate for your complete insignificance and general wimpiness in Real Life. That is all.

As for anything else - well, anything else goes really. Good luck.

Comments:
Oo-er, I'm sure I'm guilty of at least three of those things.

For the record I don't mind reading about other people's sex lives, as long as I don't have to write about my own. And I thoroughly approve of flirting *and* swearing, ideally at the same time, by people of any age.

Errr, I'll go now in case I say something witty (unlikely), and lose one of my lives.

Am I taking this too seriously?
 
Ooh you are harsh. Scared to say anything now...
 
Um, ladies, it was just me "expressing my opinions" and, er, everybody else is entitled to express their opinions without me tearing into them like a Rotweiler. Honestly.

Of course my terseness HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with the fact that today:

1. I've lost one of a pair of my favourite earrings.
2. The useless washing machine/tumble dryer has been playing up again.
3. I thought I was recovering from my unpleasant cold, and have now developed a sore throat and earache, so another sleepless night is on the cards.

... and BREEEEATHE and RELAAAAAX.
 
Is the earring stuck in the tumble dryer?
 
... well, the earring could have got wodged in my ear, which would account for the earache ...
 
Is it ok to print your real age and then post up a picture of yourself twenty years into the future?

Note to self - you are never funny, ever. Get over it Molly.

I also got pulled up for talking to myself in comment boxes sometimes. I mean, that really *is* tragic.
 
Oh Mollster...don't you worry yourself.
 
Damn...I did it again!
 
yay betty!
 
You seem a bit angry, sweetie. Shall I send you some pictures of my tranquil garden to help you to cool down?
 
Oh fuck.

I'm fucking fucked then.
 
Not fair! I seem to have missed out on the sexual exploits postings and flirting in the world of blogging! I did enjoy the list of "don't"s though - will there be any "do"s to follow?
 
OK BYE!
 
must...save...others...
I CAN'T DO IT! Brevity schmevity!

Alright all of my kids on the Flicker-gone
Every post over 300 words-gone
Avatar-can't remember how to change it but when I do-gone
Yesterday's explicit steamy toe curling post about nailin' my goodladywife and her best friend in the van behind the mall-gone
Every comment to you that started with "How you doin?"-gone
The rest of this 7000 word comment-gone!
 
But Betty, you make us so welcome here how can we not take advantge of your hospitality? I have to agree with Doris though, where was the sex?
 
I'm with beth.
I have noticed that my parental control won't allow your blog but will allow GWOTM. Make of that what you will.
 
Molly - noooo, I'm not having a go at you, definitely not. I think I might follow up the idea of having an avatar picture from twenty years into the future meself. The way things are going, it'll probably be a picture of a vase in a crematorium though.

Surly - well, I'm glad that someone's happy, at any rate.

Vicus - everything's very calm now, I went out on one of my killing sprees in the town centre last night, which always helps get rid of the frustration.

Beth - in a way, we're all fucking well fucked though, aren't we? Oh fuck.

Doris - ooh, you've had a lucky escape. As for a list of "do's" - well, I tend to be very negative and bad tempered, so I might give that one a miss.

Homo Escapeons - I think I might have been generalising a bit. Still, I was trying to stir things up, as usual. Ignore me, anyway - the rest of 'em do.

Richard - well, you have to look around a lot of blogs to find it all ... there will certainly never be any smut here.

Realdoc - I'm sure it's not down to any filth I've posted before, because I'm as pure as the driven snow. It's probably because of uncouth words uttered by people who comment here. I can't be held responsible for the lowlives who visit this blog and leave all manner of filth in the comments section, can I? Tut tut.
 
At least when people post lots of pics of their kids, they always look well groomed.

I once made a joke about a fencing club needing new blood. Does that count as rapier wit?
 
Oh Betty my dear, I love you and your blog. Not wishing to make you big-headed but you do write some of the best stuff I read on here (except when it is about 40s musicals and stuff which I find a little difficult).
So lets get this straight - I am allowed one comment as long as it is not too long, and is not about any of my three favourite things, swearing, chatting up girls and smut.
Quite cold today but hope the rain holds off. That's ok isn't it.
 
I'd just like to say that I'm really a man.
 
Lillian Gish is rather cool though. But not as cool as you Betterster.
 
Oh God, where did my winky go?
 
Murphmeister - it depends. If the kids are goats they might not look particularly well groomed (that is an example of not very rapier-like wit).

Tom - I'm just trying to remember when I wrote about 1940's musicals. I don't mind if people send more than one comment, really. If I think they're okay (which is *most* people who visit this blog, vom) then as many comments as they want, no subjects barred apart from horrible racist stuff, personal abuse towards any other commenters (well, apart from that from Vicus. We have to make some allowances)... erm ... far right wing crap ... advocates of Chris Tarrant ... battle re-enactments ... cricket ...

Ahem. Everything else is pretty much permissible. Honestly.

Molly - I can remember Lillian Gish being interviewed by Wogan when she was about 90, and she said that she finally got to meet a bloke who had been her penfriend since the 1920's (I think Terry was trying to do a bit of matchmaking).

A lot of people think I really am a bloke, so by not having an avatar I allow them to indulge that belief. Actually, it's just because I couldn't be arsed to sort one out.
 
Oh, arseholes to Blogger. I'm fed up of finding ways to complain about Blogger going wrong in the same way again an again ...
 
I'm 35 so where does that leave me on the flirting front?
 
Er, well, it's up to the individual to decide really ... I never have flirted with anyone, so it's not something I'm going to take up now, at the age of 268. Frightening people, now that's a different matter ...
 
I set myself a rule that I would not allow myself to swear on blogger. I've only sworn once on my blog.

I might even go and delete that one.

That's because I'm a laydee.

Cronenberg operation imagery - tick
People sucking spit from a bed-pan - tick
Tubes wrapped around necks - tick

But...swearing..no.

Betty, we love you. Now, go and get your Horlicks and have a cup on mexxx
 
Damn! I said horlicks.

Does that count as swearing?
 
Molly, the funny thing is, I get a lot of searches for "Cronenburg operation imagery". It's a small world, innit!

Horlicks is definitely swearing of the most graphic and debauched type. It doesn't really whet your appetite for a warm malty bedtime drink, does it? Well, not as far as I'm concerned, anyway.

"Damn" also counts as swearing.
 
Uh oh. I've read all these dont's too late.
 
Harsh but fair.
 
MJ - er, well, rules are made to be broken.

Billy - yeah, that's the approach I like to take, like Brian Clough
 
Did you forget to include: posting a comment that doesn't really comment on the post, right at the end when there is about to be a new post anyway?
 
My mum got a live spider stuck in her ear once. With some encouragement it eventually came out and was ushered back into the garden though. It was quite a small spider.

Have I just broken any of the blog rules??
 
Arabella - oh, that one's allowed (just about). One that annoys me is the commenter who just says "haven't heard/seen it" after a post about a television progamme/film/music. What's the point of that?

Boz - I think you deserve some sort of award for leaving a comment about a post from a few weeks ago. Or is it a post from another blog?
 
I think I may be guilty of nearly everything you said, except for the swearing, the sex life and the posting a pic of myself from twenty years ago.

Ah well. I'll start doing those three things right away. :grin:
 
Be careful. The Blogging Police will be after you ...
 
I like to read Betty Uterus Room as it helps me to improve my English. I dont like swear blog, no way! I like to learn English off a clean blog, swear blogs no good.
 
Ghiros, here at Betty Interuterine Device there will be no swearing. Anybody who wants me to swear will be told to stick their big swear up their fucking arse.
 
I'm back (oh no, three comments now...) because I thought of something I *do* actually hate - and that's bloggers who ask other bloggers for link exchanges. That really, really annoys me. Surely if someone else likes your blog, they will link to your blog. That's how it works.

I managed that without swearing, flirting or being witty. Do I get to stay on?
 
I think I've broken all the rules myself just in my comments for this one post actually, so I can't really get onto the moral highground, can I?

As for people who ask for link exchanges ... say no more.
 
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