Sunday, October 01, 2006


How to do THE ASDA SHUFFLE. Yowza, yowza, yowza.

Friday saw Asda "celebrating" Breast Cancer Awareness month (which starts today) by *getting the cashiers to join in the fun* (i.e., they still do the same lousy, low paid job but are expected to "get into the spirit of things" by wearing stupid clothes and pink wigs. Oddly enough, the mostly male management don't forego their dignity in this way).

Thing is, the "celebrations" included the presence of a band who apparently were there to encourage people to donate money to the campaign.

"So please donate and put your money in the buckets, folks!" said the singer.

"Even if you don't fancy contributing any money, don't worry, we'll keep on playing anyway!"

They then proceeded to play Nirvana's Come As You Are. At great volume.

The average age of Asda's shoppers is 108. Indeed, on a busy day, walking around Asda, behind all of the 108 year olds, reduces the pace of life to a zombie level. As you move one foot in front of another at two metres per hour, you know you're doing THE ASDA SHUFFLE.

The average Asda shopper is not likely to appreciate the Nirvana back catalogue being played at great volume. It will fuck up the controls on their hearing aids and induce coronary thrombosis.

I can only guess that on Friday, at least fifty per cent of the Asda customers were doing THE ASDA SHUFFLE OFF THIS MORTAL COIL.

Still, it's allinagoodcauseandit'sabitoffun.

I go to the local ASDA in Moss Side.
I used to take my mum there on Sunday mornings where she’d play at ‘Death Race 2000’ in one of their motorised wheelchairs.

Absolutely terrifying!

We were both huge fans of David Carradine in Kung Fu.
I truly detest that supermarket and although it's the closest one to me, I'd rather travel further to Tesco's or Sainsbury's. It's the assurance of having what I want in stock with polite staff and shorter queues at the till.
I may have missed the point here, but I feel better now that I've got that off my chest.
There wa a really fit bloke in my Asduz last night.

but maybe he just loked good compared to all the 108 year olds and 80-stone chavs.

(The man behind me bought nothing but a bumper multi-pack of Doritos and a bumper pack of Asduz own-brand cheezy Wotsits.)

ANd we didn't even get any Nirvana.
Kaz - I think in our branch there would be some kind of huge, M25 traffic jam if they introduced motorised wheelchairs. It really is like moving in slow motion when it's busy in there.

Istvanski - it's the fact that everything's cheaper in there which swings it for me. I'm from a pennypinching family and I hate parting with my money, even though I know I'm contributing to evil Walmart's profits.

Spinsterella - I can't remember seeing a fit man in any supermarket, but then I don't notice that sort of thing anymore, and the HRT treatment is just around the corner.

Still, you might be in with a chance if he's a regular there. Is it wurffit though?
Asdas are scary. Especially Spin's local (if it is the one I assume it is, my former local Asda when I was Bristol based)
Billy, our local is particularly frightening on Friday nights, when there is some sort of youth club thing going on and lots of menacing kids are about (well, a few of them are menacing, at any rate) and there are boy racers belting around the car park. You take your life into your hands, you really do, as we pensioners tend to say.
Nothing like that was going on in Asda in Ashford. There was a tree with little "in memory" notes attached and a few pink baloons here and there but I can't say I noticed anything else. Some shops just don't get into the spirit of things!
I know Geoff and Betty's Asda but I used to hate going there because of the carpark entrance. I was in the one in Ashford a couple of days ago and they were awful. We'd got some t-shirts but the fat chav on the till wouldn't clean the milk and salt off the belt so we could put them down. But I got 3 quid off a Superman doll because it was labelled wrongly. Anything to rip off Wallmart.
... an Asda with a tree with "in loving memory" notes on - all people who were murdered in Asda?

Sorry, can't comment on Asda, I'd rather go hungry than check that out. What an annoying self-righteous prat I am. sorry.
*rather go hungry than fork our loads of money at an out-of-the-way organic market and have to spend time with a load of smugly middle class, 4WD driving, thirtysomething North London parents-of-three who think the most evil thing in the world today is turkey twizzlers*

we don't have ASDA here, but we do have old people.
'its just a small world after all.'
wait a sec. is ASDA Wal-Mart?
damn, it really IS a small world!
*brushes a sentimental tear away*
First Nations, Asda is indeed now a part of the Wal-Mart empire.

One thing I feel grateful for is that at least you can't buy guns in Asda stores yet, and gawd 'elp us if you ever can. Old people in Asda buying guns ...

... has anyone seen what's happened with Uncle Junior in The Sopranos recently?!
Well...if it's good enough for Sharon to get her frozen Bird's Eyes there...then it's good enough for me!

Hello Betty...just stopped by to see what you're up to...

Can you pick up some fish cakes for me if I give you a fiver.

I'd loved to have heard that Nirvana though...how very surreal.
Molly, you certainly seem to get about with that cardboard computer.

You can probably get about five hundred weight of fishcakes from Asda's basics range (or whatever it's called) for a fiver, but on the downside they'll probably be filled with gizzard, teeth, eyes and cranium. Still, they probably have a very high calcium content.
I used to use the Asda in Lavender Hill (Battersea) when I absolutely had to but the thing that put me off - apart from ugly fishwives with peach leggings on which clung to their mottled cellulite was an aisle entitled 'Foreign Food'. Shocking. I tried Lidl too out of curiosity but I think I was stoned and got paranoid as all they seemed to have was large pallettes full of shit food and big packets of broken biscuits that really really weird people who smelled were still trying to get knocked down in price. Pardon me for being a snob - but when I found out there was a Sainsbury's in Clapham I used to go there instead. Or Bob's stall on Northcote Road for fruit and veg - until that turned into revolting yuppieville.
Yeah, there is an aisle dedicated to "Foreign Food" in our Asda as well (complete with a bit written underneath which says "it's probably best to thoroughly rinse all of the products on offer here. They don't wash their hands, you know").

The wardrobe choices of the people in there are quite intriguing - early 1970's drip dry anoraks seem to be very "this season" along with hunch backs and apricot tinted perms. The other day I saw a woman in a hooded smock raincoat. The last time I saw one of those was in about 1978.
Average 108 years? They should have tried "Smells like white spirit".

Mr P's mum is 108 and when he takes her round Asda she turns into Harry Hill's nan : "Shoot me, shoot me, I'm slowing you down!"
No Betty, how do you know me so well. Middle class, smug, organic, and 4wd. Bloody brilliant. You could also have got sandals and rude about, but not to, fat bastards!
I'm pretty nifty on the dance floor but your illustrated steps defeat me. 4/4 time?
Murphmeister - welcome. I'm not averse to a glass of white spirit if the wine cellar is running low. Turps has got a bit too much body for my liking though.

I often fantasise about shooting slow moving old people in Asda, which is horrible of me, and I know *it's not their fault*, etc.

Tom - here at the wimmin's sandal making collective we don't approve of being rude about "fat" people(or "other shaped persons" as we like to call them). Tut tut.

Arabella - the dance steps suggest, quite literally, that you would have to have two left feet to follow the Asda Shuffle. Appropriately enough.
Are those fish cakes like Fine Fare Yellow Label crisps? Oh Lordi...get me outta here!! Industrial acid Salt 'n' vinegar fall out! Move away from the crisp packet. Move away!
Arabella - think The Shads without the step-over. Do something with your arms for a beat to get 4/4.
Never had the dubious honour of eating Fine Fare crisps - are there still Fine Fare stores? I was looking for a bag of Spinach in Asda last week and picked up one that that contained a large dead, juicy looking fly (around about the size of a crane fly but a bit fatter). I don't know if it was part of a special offer (a bit like having a sachet of free dressing).

Ugh, though.
Are there still Mace stores anywhere?
So in Asda, do they have one way traffic in the aisles so two junk food eating fat bastards don't get jammed together and cause a blockage.
By the way, this utterly offensive comment is nothing to do with me - I can't even believe it entered my head. Sorry!
Richard - there are still Mace stores in Ireland (north and south, apparently).

I'm sure there can't be any VG stores left (I think the VG stood for, erm, very good). The one that was near our school used to sell sweets on an open counter that were covered with dust. They don't know they're born these days.

Tom, how do you know if the customers in Asda are fat if you've never been in the store?
btw folks, I didn't intend this post to be a "let's sneer at the poor people" tirade, and I feel uncomfortable with the words ch*v and p*key.

Anyway, have a read of Ms. Burchill - http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-1488120,00.html

I think that on this occasion she has a point.
Hmmm...maybe La Burchill would change her mind if she actually met one of those who live in the Derby Docks area of Crewe. I once witnessed a group of them pick on one of the local drunks who uses a zimmer frame to get around. They kicked the frame away and flung it across the road, breaking it and leaving the poor bloke in a heap by a wall. They were all girls. Where's the runaway bus when you need one?
I know she has a tendency to romaticise the working classes from her nice Brighton home, but as far as I'm concerned she has a point about snobbery and the way people bandy the word "chav" about to describe anyone who's poor.

Fair enough, there are a lot of teenagers and kids who behave horribly - always have been - but I don't think we should generalise about people just because they looka certain way or are from the same, ahem, socio-economic group.

... except for smug middle class tossers who bang on and on about organic food, heh heh.
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