Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Attention, folks! Have you ever wanted to get recognition as a *real* writer? Think you could be the next sassy laydee columnist for one of the newspapers? Are you the next Carole Malone, Colleen McLoughlin (note: Wayne Rooney's girlfriend), Tara Palmer Tamara Farmer Palmer Tompkinson? Lynda Lee Potter (deceased)?

Would you like to earn loads of quids for writing fatuous nonsense? Why not get your foot in the door by recommending your blog to smashing soaraway new London freebie paper, the London Lite?

The London Lite is London's great new paper which tells you everything you need to know if you are a particularly dimwitted twentysomething with the attention span and braincell count of a gnat! Read about Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Ellison, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Simpson, and how grey is going to be THEEE colour to wear this autumn!

Any road, the London Lite wants to hear from bloggers so they can be featured in the daily Top Of The Blogs column! Here are the criteria that you must meet:

* Must be female, twentysomething.
* Preferably have a hectic, well paid job in London.
* Must be an out and out bitch, and proud of it.
* Must spend at least thirty per cent of your blog posts whining about how useless and boring your work colleagues are, especially "that complete creep on the IT desk who keeps trying to get off with me, like we're in the same league or something".
* Must spend at least forty per cent of your blog posts slagging off men, and claiming you are a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man in your life and they're only good for one thing and if you want to strip down to your drawers at the Christmas office party and dance around on the desk it's because you are a strong independent woman who is in control of your body and not because you're a complete slapper.
* Must talk about "retail therapy" and buying Jimmy Choo sandals because of being dumped by some man. Shoes are a girl's best friend!
* Must spend the rest of the blog describing how you ended up having it away in a broom cupboard on Friday night with a sweaty, halitosis-ridden rugby union player after knocking back infinite glasses of white wine and soda because you are a strong independent woman who is in control of her body. Oh, and handcuffs were involved.

I'm sure vast numbers of my huge readership will be able to find success by going down this route, so - don't be shy - send your details in!

Best of luck to you all!


That's a blow.

Still, it's nice to know I can swing by Betty's Blog for fashion advice...
Yeah, apparently grey is *it* this autumn. Just imagine: John Major is this season's fashion muse.
Ha! I've noticed that trend in the London Lite. God, it's a load of tat isn't it?
Well I correspond to that description exactly - except for the ‘twentysomething’.
Jimmy Choo is the one who makes Docs isn’t he?
I’ve always worn grey because I love it - everywhere except for my hair of course .
I just feel *so* excluded on *so* many levels Bettster...
It does sound right up your boulevard Betty. All stories mustn't last more than one tube stop though.
Billy - I always thought "lite" was a derogatory term, implying a copy of something with more substance and originality. Mind you, perhaps substance and originality are disapproved of nowadays. I don't know because I'm too old to keep up with such things.

Kaz - I don't believe you for a minute.

The only thing I know about Jimmy Choo is that he makes shoes - presumably because his name rhymes with "shoe".

Bloody grey roots. What a pain they are. I fancy buying a wig.

Bob - I've always felt *so* excluded on *so* many levels everywhere, every place, every time that I don't even notice any more ...

Murphmeister - I dunno, I think I'd prefer to write for the Eastern Daily Press. I mean, I don't even know what Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson do exactly, and I'm at least seventy years too old to care either.
Just for a moment there, I thought Jessica Simpson was a cartoon...and then I found out that I was correct in the first place.
I have been avoiding all those new free London papers assiduously.

However, an unfortunate concatenation of events beyond my control (other than the fact that I submitted it in a moment of reckless experimentalism) has led to my blog being featured somewhere on the website of ghastly free rag The Metro.

To date, this has brought me the following benefits:

1) A handful of visits from people who stay for 0 seconds.

2) My first and to date only nasty comment, informing me that I don't know how to write a blog, and suggesting that I visit this person's blog to 'see how it's done properly'. I duly followed this instruction, only to discover a weeks-old and poorly written set of tirades about cash machines, lorry drivers and other such phenomena.

3) A text (a text! addressing me by my real name! sent to my mobile phone!) from the same individual alluded to in point 2), again exhorting me to visit his blog.

I did wonder how someone would be able to find out my real name and my mobile phone number just from visiting my blog, but a quick scoot around Google revealed that its nowhere near as difficult as you might think.

PS Who is Jessica Simpson?
I've never seen such a dull, cynical attempt to appear 'interactive' as London Lite's pathetic reliance on soundbites from over-excited bloggers. It's such pathetically lazy journalism. Sadly, I can't help but think that there a many bloggers would give their eye teeth to appear on those pages. Anything for a byline, eh? I'd be mortally offended if somebody thought my blog was so execrable that it should be nominated to appear in that 'news'paper.
I feel terribly excluded too. I'm off to compose a post about shoes.

btw P - your story is pretty terrifying - how the f*ck did they get your mobile???
God, I was so shocked that I used an asterik instead of swearing properly.

I do apologise.
I saw that today and thought, well I yawned actually and folded it up and sat against it keeping it warm for the next person because it was so boring.
Istvanski - no, I think you're getting Jessica Rabbit mixed up with Madge Simpson.

Patroclus - oh dear. I wonder if the same individual makes a point of finding out about the details of everyone whose blog is published on there? Bloody hell ...

The Metro is actually a better paper than the London Lite, which indicates how low standards are sinking.

The only thing I can work out about Jessica Simpson is that she is one of those thin young women with straightened blonde hair who does something or other - a bit of singing, acting, modelling and probably says "the sky's the limit, there's so much I want to do!!!" a lot.

Lost Boy - to be fair (trying to be objective here, hem hem) the other day they published Random Acts Of Reality, which is a very popular blog and actually got away from the young-woman-and-her-sexual-capers stereotype, but since then it's been business as normal. What a surprise.

Spinsterella - if you feel excluded then that's a good sign. Maybe there should be a banner to put at the top of blogs as a recommendation - "too good for the London Lite" .

And for fuck's sake, stop fucking swearing. This is a blog that is read by all the fucking family, you know.

Rockmother - yeah, all the freebie papers will add to the mountains of rubbish destined for landfill sites. They're going to have to build the equivalent of the Himalayas to get rid of it all.
I'm so happy I'm now in exile. The Stannit was pretty much bollocks back when I stopped getting it regler like, back in 94. I can't really imagine anything worse. But a paper devoted to superficiality? Since I stopped working there London has disappeared slowly and steadily up its own fundament. Do you think it would change if I came back?
Wow. A combination of Jessica Rabbit and Marge Simpson sounds like the most desirable woman alive! Femme fatale with infinite patience and forgiveness. And the tallest hair in the world.

And I'm delighted to hear grey is back in. I accidentally left my black gym socks in with my whites wash.
What's all this about grey? I recently bought some mustardy-yellow stockings and think they're fab. Or was I having a 'Malvolio moment'?
Richard - I'd say that London is pretty much a city for the young, with an age limit of around thirty and getting younger. Then again, I think I've got the outlook of someone who should perhaps move to Eastbourne ...

Del - there's some sort of unwritten rule that there has to be a black sock in every fifth whites wash. Also, why is it that when you're trying to pair off black socks, they're each a slightly different shade, none of which match?

Arabella - well, I like colour and, hey, last "nite's" Lite stated that we should all own a mustard coloured sixties-style coat this season. Except that with my colouring my face would look like an exploded tomato.

I won't be wearing leopard skin print leggings either.
Betty - set up another blog in the stylee you suggest and enter it. Go on, I dare you...
It's actually called "London Light" due to its immediate use as ignition fodder for the back boiler.

Mike Giggler (via email)
Molly - God, that seems too much like hard work. Besides, I never could live it down if it did appear in the *Lyte*, having to deal with blogging nutters find out my real identity and phoning me up at two in the morning demanding I read their blog ...

Geoff suggested nominating his Cock Blog, just for a laugh.

The Murphmeister - It ought to be called "London Shite" because London is shite, innit?

Paul Calf (via snail mail)
"having to deal with blogging nutters findING out my real identity"

Oh bollux.
Oh yes...put Geoff's blog up for it. That would be brilliant.
I suppose the *Lyte* is looking for sexy, young, fun loving aspirational bloggers who have lots of slightly kinky sex and lerve buying shoes, so Farmer Giles would definitely fit the bill.
you know, betty, i can't help it if they won't publish me in my own country. so, so just *snif* just lay off! *snif* geeze!
First, we bloggers are such *creative* types,aren't we? With the creativity comes the mood swings, and having to cope with rejection slips from the publishers.

Mind you, the last time I did any *creative* writing was undoubtedly the essay I did in my English Language O-level, cringe, cringe, CRINGE. So I might be fibbing a bit.
I am no longer merely a blogger, but have become an "artiste" - I feel it's the *creative* way forward, mark my words. By next week, I shall probably have become an installation.
I could talk about buying Jimmy Choos but not actually buying them. But I'm way too old anyway, both for the job and for tottering around on Jimmy Choo heels.
Rhino 75 - since finding out that this blog is ranked number 4626 in popularity (I don't know where ... Kent? Barnehurst? The estate I live on?) I've decided I'm a Z-list celebrity. Probably on the level with that Brummie woman who was on the first Big Brother series.

Sharon J - well, it's all hypothetical stuff, the talking about designer shoes and clothes (for most of us, anyway). It's also a drag having to get old and wear sensible shoes though. I mean, I was tempted to get some nice high heeled ankle boots recently but ... nah, too old. Dammit.
all those blogs sound FABULOUS. how else will i keep up with how real life ought to be lived?

leopard* print leggings? not with my calves.

*it took me five goes to type "leopard" properly. gah.
Yeah, "leapard" skin. Animal prints are supposed to be really in so I might dress up as the arse end of a pantomime horse at all those Christmas parties this year.
They might think you've gone as John Prescott though.
Well, like Two Jags I can hold my own in a fight, if the need arose, so I've got no worries on that front.
Post a Comment

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?