Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Posh, mopey Keane, the "pop" group from Battle, will be giving a memory stick away with their next single: a little device which stores screensavers and other stuff with which to occupy your time, if you don't have enough to do already.

Technology moves along at a hare's pace these days. Time to consign those MP3 players and DVDs to the landfills and waste your pennies on more time defining stuff.

But, what DOES the future hold for us all? Is it all going to be a case of us living in pods, existing on a diet of nutritional pills and wearing Bacofoil suits, as we have believed since the 1920's?

In 1987, a friend of mine who had had a bit too much to drink announced "in the year 2000 we will all be flying around in cups and saucers".

Sigh ... if only, eh?

Still, I know exactly what is going to happen in the year 2020, as I received a visitation from Somebody From A Future Generation in a dream at 2.30 in the morning. Here's what I found out.

* We will all be able to store our entire record, book and old style "video" or "DVD" collection on a clear disc which is the size of a contact lens.

* Victoria Beckham will now weigh 8 pounds.

* The world's richest man will be Macaulay Culkin.

* Spinsterella will be happily married with seven children and will live in a cottage in the Costwolds. She will have a tedious cake baking, knitting and crafts blog called Musings Of A Born Again Earth Mother.

* Vegetables will be banned from school meals.

* Four wheel drives will now be so large that they take up the entire width of road, therefore causing a traffic standstill within a five mile radius of every primary school in mornings and afternoons at school run time. A huge road building scheme to provide double the amount of roads to accommodate all the extra traffic is undertaken at enormous cost.

* HRH Elizabeth II dies unexpectedly at the age of 94 after a gin binge. A disgraced Prince Charles lives in exile on the Isle Of Man with his long term girlfriend, Beyonce Knowles, so Prince William ascends to the throne. His wife, Paris Hilton, brings a touch of modish American glamour to the Royal Family.

* The golden haired Adonis of blogging Delrico takes over the coveted Radio One breakfast show from Chris Moyles.

* Sir Tim Footman becomes Director General of the BBC.

* Anita Dobson returns as landlady at the Queen Vic in Eastenders, along with new husband Terry (played by Brian May).

* Because of a housing shortage, it will be against the law for less than ten people to occupy a room at any given time. Many people will live at their places of work and will work rolling 48 hour shifts, with a three hour sleeping "allowance" before commencing a new shift.

Sorry I couldn't find out more about all the technological advances I hinted at earlier on. Well, I only did that stuff about the memory stick at the beginning to make the post sound topical. Don't want to seem like someone who is living in the past do I? For a change.

All sounds quite plausible, Betty.

My only concern is how people will tell the difference between identically coiffeured Anita Dobson and "Terry".

Perhaps he coould grow a beard like Geoff.
Will we all have hover cars?
Murphmeister - it's going to be like having two giant poodles behind the bar of the Queen Vic. The only way to differentiate them is that "Angie" will be wearing bright crimson metallic lipstick, and "Terry" will be wearing white clogs and making a guitar out of their fireplace in his spare time.

Richard - no.
Surely the robots will have taken over by then?
I have it on authority that we will all be on our hands'n'knees almost constantly, having dropped our contact-lens-sized music collection.

Hello, btw. :)
We will be on our hands and knees anyway as we will have regressed to a kind of 'all fours' state again, because we won't need to stand up anymore. That's because everything will be miniaturised and inside our brains. Clip on bits, chips and plug-ins.

We need never stand up again.In fact, why have hands and feet at all? Oh bugger, let's just do away with the whole human body shall we? It is far too messy and unpredictable. Let's just get sucked into a tiny hand-held techno-wotsit. We can just slip around on the floor. A bit like those fluffy ball things in 'Star Trek'

Sorry...getting carried away...
Billy - oh, the robots have been going to take over in a few years' time for as long as I can remember. It never happens. I mean, in the 1970's it was generally thought that by now everyone would be working a two day week and robots would be doing everything else. Hmm.

Funny Thing - hello back. Perhaps the contact lens type discs will be luminous? Certainly not as difficult to find as real contact lenses. I speak as someone who has, yes, replaced a contact lens which has fallen out onto the floor after rinsing it under the tap. Which is still not as bad as the three week holiday I spent wearing one contact lens after the other one was lost in the sea (don't ask).

Molly - well, I've just watched Zager And Evans' brilliant but terrifying In The Year 2525 on YouTube because I think it has the answer to all the secrets about the future. They tell us:

"In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your teeth, won't need your eyes.
You won't find a thing to chew.
Nobody's gonna look at you"

So that's something to look forward to.

I sometimes like the idea of going the same way as The Incredible Shrinking Man.
Zager and Evans fell down because most of their predictions had to rhyme with "ten" which made it a bit limiting. One tit wonders if you ask me. Come back Nostradamus, you can always trust a chap with a beard.

PS I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.
You won't lose your contact lens sized music collection because the player will come in a suitcase sized box with a charger the size of a cat.
Posh is going to put on weight? Surely not.
The Murph - I hate to have to contradict you, but one of Zager And Evans (Baz Zager? Kevin Evans?) has got a beard, and I'd rather trust either of them than Nostradamus, who predicted the rise of Hitler and didn't do anything to prevent it occurring.

Richard - rather like all the stuff that used to accompany a pair of contact lenses then: solutions etc. Nowadays they are of course disposable so you can keep on forking out money for them.

Dive - well, I suppose it's due to advancing years and possibly the effects of the menopause. She might have to resort to a course of youth boosting injections.
Nostradamus didn't predict the rise of Hitler and the third reich, he predicted the rise of Hissler who was bird-like.

Fooled Chamberlain, anyway.
Michael Rennie promised that in the near future (speaking from 1953, that means NOW) the robots would in fact be in control. meaning that the robots have been controlling us since 1967. which is a far better future fate than queen paris hilton 'accidentally' flashing her bald poon on a weekly basis for the next sixty years.
to some of us, anyway.
at least to me.
fine, only me.
I'm going to have to pull my finger out* if I'm going to squeeze seven sprogs out before my ovaries dry up.

*I don't mean literally. It's just a turn of phrase, ok?
One thing you forgot Betty, is that Sony will sponsor every maternity ward in the world and humans will be born with a Playstation 7 chip in the back of their heads.

Cronenberg was onto something when he directed Existenz.
Geoff - was Chamberlain hard of hearing then?

First Nations - even if it is 14 years into the future, Royal decorum will still mean that Paris Hilton will not be permitted to flash her bald poon, even if it is "accidental".

Spinsterella - yes, but it's all written in the stars! Mind you, one of the joys of being old and decrepit is that I'm now (hopefully) about 98 per cent barren. That's something for you to look forward to.

Istvanski - I don't mind the idea of having a chip in the back of my head. If I'm programmed, fair enough. I'm a bit scatterbrained and could do with being a bit more organised really. Mind you, if Orange was involved somewhere along the line I would have nothing to do with it.
Anita Dobson in a bacofoil suit gets me (and her, presumably) all hot under the collar. I'm hoping for a world a little more like Frank Herbert's "Dune" so that I can have bright blue eyes and achieve world domination through shouting. Call me shallow, I don't care.
Rhino 75, you are one of the voices of sanity in a world gone mad.

Why not try bright blue contact lenses?
I don't think Victoria Beckham will put on that much weight.
I'm sure the four by four thing has happened already. Round here they feel the need to drive tans to pick up the sprogs.
There will be all this media lying around and nothing to play it on, I think.

It'll be spooky. Just ghosts of music and images and words that are not accessible by any living human.

Hello Betty. I liked your Lavender Rinse comment over at mine, so I thought I'd mosey on by.
Antonym - Welcome. It may seem unlikely that she will bloat out like that, but it's defitely down to a hormone imbalance. Poor Posh.

Realdoc - there's a primary school just around the corner from us and our cul-de-sac ends up becoming a parking lot at school run times, with people carriers and what have you all jostling for space and double parking. It's quite funny if you aren't involved or trying to drive through them all.

Simon - welcome. I would think that there's already a mountain of obsolete technology in rubbish tips (or landfills) so it'll be an epidemic in a few years. Unless it's saved and put in museums. What's happened to all the Betamax video players? Were they recycled?
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