Saturday, August 12, 2006


StooooowurrtA quick dose of old-school, diary-style blogging, from the days before we just did posts about blogging versus the old media and how we bloggers have started a revolution that *They* just can't stop.

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First up, the brother in law, John Terry lookalike Stooooowurrt has brought some fencing round so that Ron can replace the rotting bit of fence that sways about and creaks ominously in a light breeze. So one of the days next week I will have to hang around the house all day feeling self conscious while proffering cups of tea to Ron as he does a botch job which we will have to pay more for a proper fencer to fix.

Secondly, the mother in law today was trying to encourage us to invest with her in a holiday home in Ilfracombe. She has decreed that "in a few years time people will be afraid to travel on planes and will just holiday in this country".

The homes in Ilfracombe cost a very reasonable £89,000. They were advertised in the Daily Mail. There was a classic Mail headline, which I noticed as she leafed through the paper: DRINKING, GAMBLING, BRAWLING, WOMANISING - SO THAT'S WHY THEY MADE JOHN TERRY ENGLAND CAPTAIN! I could just imagine the frosty-knickers, Neighbourhood Watch, Tory voting late middle aged women clutching their starched petticoats and tutting as they climbed up onto the moral highground in a fit of indignance reading that.

Anyway, the home in Ilfracombe would, according to the M-I-L, be an ideal place to "escape to after a hard week working up in London". The M-I-L is retired. She is obviously referring to Geoff. "You could travel down on a Friday night and come back on Sunday."

To drive to the west country from ours takes forever. We would arrive at Ilfracombe at five in the morning, spend the weekend sleeping, set off for home early on Sunday and get back at three o'clock on Monday morning.

Things are looking up if we are too mean to contribute to the Ilfracombe bolthole though! There are also some homes available in the New Forest, which is nearer, and which start from £25,000.

The words "piss in a bucket", "miles from a shop" , "local yokel murderer still on loose after five year killing spree" and "bring your own bunsen burner for cooking purposes" don't even figure in the advertising!

Ilfracombe is populated with one eyed inbreeds.

Even Devonians steer clear of the place.

I don't know what that says about the New Forest.
You could always fly to Ilfracombe, since the airports will be deserted. In your private jet. Alternatively, close the curtains and put the Archers on in the background, which amounts to the same thing.
When we holidayed in Devon we visited a lot of places and I'm still not sure whether or not we went to Ilfracombe. The place obviously left a great impression on me if I did go there.

The New Forest is excellent.

Rob - short haul flying: I would probably be pelted with eggs by protesting eco warriors. I think I'll opt for your second suggestion and make myself a cream tea as well.
Devon is pretty but I'm not sure I'd want to invest in it.
£89,000? Yikes, I could buy one outright! Still, I don't think I mcould stick "Look West" or whatever the local news bit that comes after the proper news is - and when we were in St. Ives (Cornwall, I know - but it's right next door, to all intents....) I could have sworn I saw Yentob swanking around in a silver BMW looking down on all us yokels...I mean, if you want that sort of thing, you might as well stay in Islington and at least you've only got a two stop journey to The Arse and Theatreland and All The Culture Wot Up London Has To Offer on your doorstep.

You're quite right Bettster - there's been a bit too much polemical whatnot drifting in of late - too much navel gazing etc.. I walked past Sanders Undertakers just past Twickers Green on the way to Waitrose this a.m. and the guy in the advert looking admiringly at the saucy-in-a-Jenny-Aguter-as-she-is-now sort of way, was the dead spit of Richard Lewis, Larry Graham's mate in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Now *that's* blogging....
Arabella - welcome. Comments around here are becoming as rare as hen's teeth.

I don't think I'll be investing in Devon but I have a feeling that there is going to be more family pressure to claim back ownership on the house in Croatia (see post from ages ago), as it is apparently the trendy place to holiday (according to people I know who go on holidays to trendy places).

Bob - I suppose a lot of people who like to think they have a bohemian bent would think of getting a property in Cornwall - if they have their own private jet. So ponceing about in the Smoke is only a short journey away.

Re: the old school blogging, it's only sour grapes on my part because I am too poorly edicated to publish a long, well informed, balanced academic analysis of the blogging versus the inkies debate.
Blimey, that is John Terry, isn't it?
Anyway, I'm sure you get more comments than I do. If you write it, they will come ... won't they?
I love Richard Lewis. He's my favourite other character on Larry Hagman's Curb.
I like Jeff Green's wife off Larry Adler's Curb meself. "F*ck You, You Carwash C*nt" (note: self censorship because of the small but significant number of nicely brought up readers who are part of my audience).

Dave - ignore me, just wallowing in self pity as always. As for "if you write it, they will come", that could best be applied to Girl With A One Track Mind's (ex?) blog. Literally.
Dave Lee Travis used to think he was hilarious pronouncing it Il-fra-com-be on the Radio 1 Roadshow
Now a house in the Baltics is a different matter - proximity to hearty cheap wine rather than disgusting west country mead.

I was seriously considering going to Bulgaria for a holiday. I'm not trendy, mind you. Just that it's the only European country where an American dollar will get you more than a dish of gruel. I was put off by the "nod = no, shake = yes head thingy.
Stay in London town. Lily Allen loves it you know. It's called LDN. Perhaps we should all start slagging off Madonna and we can get some media attention.

Don't go to Ilfracombe...I'm always wary of that place because in our family...my mother always mentioned 'the lady from Ilfracombe' and looked shrewishly at my dad when she said it...I think there might be bad things there. When you're five...that's really scary.

Although, secretly, I'd like to have a glamorous life like the 'lady from Ilfracombe' perhaps send Lewisham into disrepute. Perhaps she's like Pan the Piper or something. New Forest is a better bet I reckon. Just think of all those free pony rides.
As a long term resident of Devon can I please ask you all not to buy any property in Ilfracombe. Just stay where you are and watch telly alright!
I heartily recommend the New Forest.
Gert - DLT would always think he was hilarious attempting a Scottish accent while talking to a Scottish houswife on the phone on his shows: "och, it's a wee Scottish lassie fray north of the border!" he would say.

Scotland isn't north of the border if you are in Scotland. Fool.

Arabella - want a grotty old three room house in the middle of nowhere (oh, there's a post office and a railway station actually), two hours' drive to the coast, where you have to travel over country that may or may not be landmined? I'll sell it to you! There's a pub about forty minutes' drive away but I can't comment on the quality of the booze on offer because I've never visited it.

Molly - Did the Lady From Ilfracombe lead you dad astray then? She sounds like a wanton woman. Old holiday brochures used to assure you that you would always get a warm welcome in the west country and it looks like they were right.

Tom - from what I've read about it at the tourist site Ilfracombe doesn't sound like the sort of place that would appeal to me. Not that I want a holiday home. The mother in law won't railroad us into contributing to the holiday home fund. Oh no.
The oldest member of the Billy family, my great-great-aunt lived in St Ives and we used to visit her there.

Nice place.

What's the Cornish place where all the poshos go?
Billy, It's Rock, near Padstow, and you can get some fish and chips a Rick Stein's restaurant for £30 while you're there.
Billy - my mother in law is actually from a little village in Cornwall and she only went back there to visit for the first time in about forty-odd years fairly recently. "It's lovely to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there", apparently.

Tom - I've heard loads of people slag off Rick Stein and his expensive fish and chips. Seems to do a lot of business though, doesn't he?
Nice place, Ilfracombe

Billster - Padstow (or PadStein, as the rest of Cornwall calls it) is lovely, despite all the Stein retaurants/delis etc (we counted about 7 when we were there....) Rock is just across the Camel Estuary. A bit further along is Port Isaac where they foilmed Doc Martin. Fascinating, eh.

Purely for tyhe sake of keeping Geoff's excellent running gag going, can I just say how big a fan I am of Larry Parnes' Curb?

Helen - I'll have to refrain from commenting on places I've not visited ...

Bob - you mean Larry Sanders' Curb?
No, Betty. As I said, I'm ahuge fan of Larry Olivier's Curb....
"Legs" Larry Smith's Curb?
I was conceived in Ilfracombe, but I've never been back.
I remember that on the Westcountry News. 5.1 on the richter scale - some old biddies plate fell off her mantlepiece.
Beth - I don't think my parents would've ever admitted where I was conceived. They would probably have preferred to think that I grew in a petri dish.

Tom - when we stayed in the New Forest recently, the local news was something like News Not Quite The South East And Not Quite the West Country. Top story: local deputy headmaster to retire.
I've never discussed my conception with my parents (that being as close to a Freudian nightmare as possible) but I do know that around 9 months before my birth was 'one of the coldest winters on record'.

I know this because it was on a documentary. I felt a bit funny after watching it.

Oh and 'Points West' news is brilliant. Always about some farmer in Watchet.
'"Legs" Larry Smith's Curb?'

Surely you mean Vernon Dudley Bohay-Nowell's Curb, Neil.

(Him of *all* people not knowing that...)
Billy - I've never seen Points West, so I don't understand the bit about the farmer. I suppose it would make sense if I were to Watchet.

Bob - why don't you send him an irate e-mail about the subject on his site: http://www.enygmag.com/neil/
Introducing ...

two slightly *distorted* guitars.
I don't know about everybody else here, but I've been carried away on a moonlight shadow.
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