Sunday, July 02, 2006


Ben, the two of us need look no more

I know that some of you will possibly still be feeling a bit deflated after England's deflated performance in the *soccer* yesterday, but I hope you can summon up the strength to forget it all and join me today in a virtual toast because it is my birthday, I love you all more than life itself and I have been on this planet for ninety seven years as woman, man, boy and girl. There may not be much time left, what with one thing or another.

The drinks are on me. Not that this would happen in real life of course: I'm so stingy that people know me as Led Wallet.

Very many happy returns of the day. I hope the sun shines and little birdies sang on your windowsill to wake you this morning. Did Geoff bring you champagne and strawberries?

(The magpies very thoughtfully cleared the gutter out over our back door early this morning and have left a pile of moss on the pea shingle to tread back into the house)
In Thailand, people sing 'Happy Birthday'. But on the third line, they don't sing, eg, 'Happy birthday, dear Betty'; they sing 'Happy birthday, happy birthday'. And they don't just sing it at birthdays either, which is a bit odd.

But anyway, just for you, a Thai rendition of your special song.

'Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday to you.'
GGG'E Dear Betty,

Funny, I never imagined you looking like that.
Happy Birthday. I've personally asked the whole of the nation to lower their flags as a mark of respect, such is my power. Go and take a look!
Happy Birthday Betty - 97, how time flies!
Thanks - that's four more comments than I expected to get or deserve.

Richard - Geoff patiently fed me Complan off a spoon for an hour, as per usual.

Actually, I was awoken by the call of a bird that sounded like a creaking fence. In fact I thought it was our fence that was creaking and had fallen over during the night.

Tim - my favourite version is the one that was on Are You Being Served:

Happy birthday to YOU,
Happy birthday to YOU,
Happy birthday to YOU,
Happy birthday dear uh uh,
Happy birthday to YOU.

(no one will understand what I'm on about).

Interpreter - I think I might be able to play that on the recorder or the stylophone, if either of them was to hand.

I've managed to cope with the squint over the years, and the carefully adapted computer screen helps with the blogging.

Del - noo, this is meant to be a celebration, not a mourning! My birthday is obviously much more important than some football tournament! I expect people to throw flowers in my path and bow to me when I go down to the shops at the very least.

Tom - exactly. Only three more years until I get that telegram from the Queen, if one of us doesn't kick the bucket in the meantime.
... or "five more comments than I expected to get/deserve".

That was a senior moment.
Happy birthday. In tribute to your ninety-seven years, I was planning to play 'happy birthday' 97 times on my toy piano. But my fingers hurt so much after about 20 attempts I gave up.
Happy Birthday Betty Bettsy. I hope you have a really beautiful, wonderful day.

Are you as stingy as me? Do you keep a fork in the sugar bowl? If so, I salute you!

I'm sending maxi-strength blog-hugs and sachets of strawberry complan I stole from my grandmother's care home.
Or to quote William Burroughs: 'I stole the morphine suppository from my grandmother's...' you can guess the rest...

I wonder what amazing things you will be doing in the sunshine. I've bought a bottle of Malibu (how retro) and have put strawberries in it just for jolly. I'm going to raise a toast to you with my new 'Malibstrawbetty' cocktail. Sending you one nowxx
Happy Birthday,

I like blogger birthdays, don't wave to waste money on a real present.
I remember that episode of "Are You Being Served." It was Mrs. Slocombe's birthday but the staff didn't know her first name or her age.

I've already started drinking in honour of your birthday. It's only just past 8 in the morning here.

And I see that you share your birthday with Imelda Marcos, Jerry Hall, Peter Kaye and Larry David.
Billy - sorry about the RSI. I hope you're not going to sue me.

Molly - Haven't celebrated my birthday in the style of William Burroughs (I've got to 97 by leading a life of quiet sobriety.)

I went out in the sun earlier and it was a bit too hot, so I came back indoors to listen to The Scream by Siouxsie And The Banshees like I did when I was a petulant fifteen year old. How ridiculous.

Tickersoid - well, it's the thought that counts, after all. Mind, any cash donations can be made at my e-mail address ...

MJ - thank God someone remembered the Are You Being Served episode. Most bloggers aren't that lowbrow (or won't admit to it anyway).

I also share my birthday with a disturbing number of not-very-good British MP's. I found out about Larry David last year and was fairly pleased about that.
Happy Birthday!

(You're not supposed to buy the drinks on your own birthday anyhow.)

*Raises a glass of cheap but not-too-nasty red*
May I join the list of well wishers Betty luv.
Forget the virtual toast I'm off to hit the real gin (it's the famous 'Giro' gin of Spain. I'll pay for it myself.
Hope I didn't give the impression that I would be doing this even if it wasn't your birthday.
I'm so lowbrow you can scrape me off your shoe. And I read THE SUN!
I'm afraid I can't comment any further, I'm still in a state of shock brought on by the ending of Heartbeat tonight. I thought something was up when Sgt. Miller was calling PC Walker by his Christian name; very out of character.

fforurrr - the sound of the cute puppy being strangled by PC Walker
Spinsterella - I was on the cheap but not too nasty Cabernet Sauvignon last night. I don't pay enough attention to what the wine actually tastes like anymore, sadly.

Kaz - I can't handle gin, it makes me get slightly psychotic, even though I described myself as gin-soaked in my blog profile. It was a lie.

MJ - I'm sort of monobrow.

Richard - I used to see the first five minutes of Heartbeat, but haven't for a long time. Some good soundtrack work goes on there. Best bit was Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix playing while an old woman fell off a rickety bicycle. Class, that was. Has it suddenly gone all Wickerman in Aidensfield?
Not quite although there was a deranged teenager with a puppy and some weedkiller. It was a bit like when the plane fell on Emmerdale in the end. You knew someone was going to cop for it (no pun intended) but the end was so cruel. This is making me appear ever so gay.
Happy (belated) birthday Betty. Continuing to enjoy your monobrow observations on life immensely.
Wow! That is close to mine.

Happy Birthday - I'll be sending over a case of Chateau Rothschild (the year is a surprise). ;-)
At least you're not unibrow.
Thank you and thank you, Ben.

TC - thanks, but there's really no need for the Chateau Rothschild. I wouldn't be able to appreciate it anyway being as common as muck, and I'd be just as happy with a crate of Mackesons stout.

MJ - I'm still recovering from finding out that there is no such thing as Lucozade in Canada.
aren't monobrow and unibrow the same thing?

oh, and happy birthday.
well happy birthday. being as you're ninety, you probably smell like an old person now, so i've sent you some Lysol spray. carry it with you everywhere-you can squirt it and flap your hand in front of your face when people smoke around you while you mutter 'phft! nasty things. filthy habit. cor sakes.'
Yes, monobrow and unibrow are the same thing. I realized my error after typing it in and hoped to return to this space and attribute it to cultural differences between Canada and the UK. I can't use that as my usual excuse this time.
I hope you faired better on your birthday than Jerry Hall, who shares your July 2nd birthday...

"Jerry hall has been forced to abandon her lavish 50th birthday celebrations after slipping on a dance floor in a bizarre accident, The Mail on Sunday can reveal.

The 6ft Texan is on crutches after injuring herself on Thursday at a private party. Witnesses say Miss Hall, who was wearing kitten heels, 'collapsed in a heap' while dancing."
Betty, as an astute observer of life on planet earth, do you think astrology is shite?
Being a cancerian myself, and despite holding the above view myself, I often get surprised by feelings of some kind of common understanding with fellow crabs. I am presuming this is bollocks and I am subconciously inventing stuff to suit the situation.
Surly Girl - thank you. What about singlebrow?

First Nations - despite being ninety seven I don't smell of wee, I smell of Shalimar perfume. Incontinence is not a problem: a lifetime of Kegel's exercises has left me with the pelvic floor of a teenager, quite frankly ...

MJ - re. the Jerry Hall thing, I like the way the reporter stressed that she was wearing kitten heels. In other words, she didn't even have the excuse of falling over in high heels, she was completely mullered.

Tom - yes, I am cynical about atrology but am forced to admit that I often find stuff in common with people who are Cancerians, despite what logic would suggest. I wonder if the same is true of people born under different star signs? Uncanny and unnatural ...
I find the same happens to me, being a Capricorn, but only when I ask their star sign do I find common characteristics and only then, because I'm consciously looking for them. But I prefer the coincidence theory meself. Do all those born in 1960 share the same characteristics? No, but according to the Chinese, we're all rats so should. Likewise, all Richards are natural leaders, not wimpy under-achieving plodders.
Frightfully late as ever, but happy birthday, Betty. Keep up the good work, at least until your eyesight or finger joints fail.
Richard - Richard Nixon. Hmm ...

Patroclus - thanks. The eyesight failed a long time ago and the print on the screen is set at ENORMOUS.
My brother's called Richard and he couldn't lead a dog. Bosh! Flimshaw!
Del, I naturally thought your brother would be called Rodney (har har, my sides are splitting).

Maybe there IS something in this name thing. Scowling, cold hearted, miserly old woman? Sounds like me? No, it's the Queen - another Betty.
So you are touting for popularity on the basis that you were born on a particular day?
Vicus: yes.

You didn't leave a comment because you're touting for popularity on the basis that you've returned from your holiday by any chance?
You are never that old!

Helen, I feel even older than that on the inside.
you're right - it was definitely better back here - not raining either
never mind - Happy Next Birthday
Yeah, apparently there was a heatwave on this day in 2006. I bet people were grumbling about it as well (water shortages, fat people who hate the warm weather, etc.)
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