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Thursday, July 13, 2006

SNOOKER LOOPY NUTS 

Anyone who reads Infomaniac will probably be aware that MJ has a thing about Italian footballers. In a recent post featuring topless (and indeed bottomless) Italians, I made a throwaway comment about how she should post pictures up of snooker totty. After all, there are so many delectable snooker players out there! Not all of us are taken with Italian footballers, with their toffee coloured wavy hair, dreamy green eyes, olive complexions and perfect muscle definition. Indeed, we set our sights lower and can appreciate a man who has something of the ghoul about him (as so many snooker players do) or who have infinite love handles, chronic acne or the sort of waxy colouring only achieved by men who have never encountered daylight, having spent every day since the age of seven in a snooker hall drinking and smoking.

As it is, MJ threw the ball back into my court (sorry. Mixed sporting analogy) as this is a British blog, and people in Britain are more likely to appreciate snooker than Canadians. I couldn't find many (um, any) topless pictures of snooker players, but it could be a blessing in disguise. I wouldn't want you to get all hot and bothered in the office.

I haven't included any of the new sexy, dynamic players like Ronnie O'Sullivan, because I don't see snooker much these days, but the old 'uns are always the best, aren't they?










Ray Reardon. A ghoul's best friend.


















Steve "Jazz Funk" Davis morphing into Mark Smith















Steve's grandad Joe: have pomade, will travel











Stephen Hendry. Handsome is as handsome does.













The late, great Bill Webernuik. I do like a forty pints a day man.














"Willie Thorne, his hair's all gorne and his mates just take the rise" (trad. arr.)

Comments:
John Spencer died yesterday

He was a good player
 
Phwoar! Nice one Betty.

And the late Bill Webernuik's ours. A Canuck. Hot, wasn't he?

I'm finished with Italian footballers is this is what passes for totty in the snooker world.
*runs off to take a cold shower*
 
"IF" this is what passes. Not "Is".. Damn. This post has got me all hot and bothered. Can't type.
 
er....well yes Betty.
Didn't Jimmy White qualify? I seem to remember he is bald by now and was my mother's greatest love.
Anyway just promise me that you won't do DARTS. Please.
 
HAHA Hilarious. Billards Totty...

Steven Hendry: The Man with One Expression
 
Where's the Hurricane? Glad you put Bill Webernuik on there.
 
What? No Cliff "The Grifter" Thorburn??

He was a looker.

Wasn't he in that filum "Duel"?

Which reminds me, I once bumped (quide liderally) into a very "tired and emotional" Kirk Stevens in Piccadilly Circus. He was well off his mash. Must've just finished filming Pot Black ("I've got the pot, who's got the black?" he was heard to say....allegedly...)
 
Ah, the Balled of Jimmy Thorne - still favoured by the left handed fiddlers of County Clare. All twenty-three verses.
 
Seriously though I could totally shag Ronnie O Sullivan
 
You've forgotten Dennis "Comedy Glasses" Taylor. But Ray "Grandpa Munster" Reardon was my favourite, definitely. Snooker was at its best when everybody played it looked like Max Miller, now they all look like dull young men.
 
Richard - we were discussing which players I should post here and John Spencer's name cropped up. Blimey, good job he slipped through the net, it would have been in very poor taste. I had a lucky escape with that "The Kooky World Of Syd Barrett! He's Bonkers!!" post I nearly published on Tuesday too.

MJ - yeah, Bill Webernuik is one of your lot. All snooker players used to be from Britain, Canada and Ireland. Perhaps they still are?

Kaz - Jimmy White was okay, the Johnny Rotten of snooker.

Darts totty - oh yes ...

Pamer - welcome. Stephen Hendry: a human dynamo, isn't he?

Billy - I love that clip of Bill Webernuik where he leans over the table, breaks wind, looks out to the audience and says "who said that?"

Robert - the dashing Cliff was indeed in Duel, in the days when actors were men.

Kirk Stevens reckons he is a reformed character these days, but they all say that.

Arabella - coincidentally, Chas And Dave perform all twenty three verses of Snooker Loopy at the Dartford Orchard Theatre every year.

Ranter - what, instead of Cliff Thorburn??

Wyndham - the modern player doesn't understand how to use Brylcreem or pomade. That's why the game has gone downhill.

Vicus - he's very bloated. Trapped wind, perhaps? Not a problem Bill Webernuik had.
 
What's not to like about a man who knows what to do with the stick and the balls? There's got to be some big metaphor for life in there. And the 40 pints a day guy-- What's not to like?
 
Phlegmfatale - welcome (... a Coctaeu Twins and Cabaret Voltaire fan! Nice work!).

I think it must be the way that snooker players lean across the green baize with their arses on show which appeals to some women in a non-metaphorical way. Still, there's probably lots of innuendo around snooker terminology.

Bill Webernuik seems to be a cult figure by the look of things ...
 
... or the Cocteau Twins, even ...
 
The story Dennis Taylor told when he won the world championship way back in 198-something has to be The Greatest Story Ever Told. If I could just remember the punch line...
 
I very vaguely recall that story being very long and rambling but I can't remember any of the details, let alone the punch line.
 
Now these guys are ATHLETES!
What about those DARTS dudes?

One man's ceiling is another man's floor eh.

mj has chastised me time and again for my unrelenting ridicule of her beloved girliemen diving sissies. Hopefully your introduction of real MEN (cough gag sputter) will cure her of her addiction to those mama's boys. Well done.
 
Alex Higgins had a flick fringe, a stupid hat, and used to head butt the ref.

You strike me as a Tony Knowles kinda gal, you hussy.
 
Homo Escapeons - unfortunately, the effect it's had on me is that I keep thinking "Cliff Thorburn - phwoar!!" which might mean it's time to have a word with my GP about starting a court of HRT. I don't know if MJ has seen the light and forgotten about those Italian footballers now the World Cup is over ... who knows?

Garfer - I'm not a Tony Knowles kinda gal, but actually someone in my workplace (well, the next department) was a Tony Knowles stalker. The BBC once showed her applauding and cheering him. "Oh. I think that's a Tony Knowles fan" the commentator said wittily.
 
Italian footballers? WHAT Italian footballers? I await the next World Snooker Tournament.
 
And the new Italian snooker sensation, Paolo Billiardo.
 
And his cousin Gino Billiardino.
 
Did anyone see me and mum in the audience at that Pot Black Sports Releif thing last night? She said it would "raise our profiles" to be there.

Perhaps now everyone will realise how annoying Walshey is in real life. Being more annoying than Vernon Kay - now that really is an acheivment.
 
I didn't realise that Bill Webernuik was dead until I read this...now I feel strangely depressed.
 
I suppose a diet of huge amounts of beer, cigarettes and betablockers wasn't likely to lead to a long and healthy life, sadly. Still, er, I'm sure his spirit is among us somewhere.
 
Dennis Taylor's story was about an Irishman called Nealy Dunne who somehow got himself locked in a loo at Heathrow and couldn't write to his mother because there wasn't any paper - oh, if somebody could just piece it together...
 
That sounds like a story from the song referred to in Arabella's comment above, but I can't be sure. Anybody else have any ideas?
 
Somehow the less handsome they are the more interesting they are to look at. If that makes any sense--and even if it doesn't!
 
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