Wednesday, July 05, 2006


A poor, oppressed kiddy.  Boo hoo.
I'm a resident of South London, whether I like it or not, so it is my duty to pass on some information which will benefit those around me.

As you're aware, England has now left the World Cup tournament, but it's not the last we've heard of the team - or at least the WAGs (wives and girlfriends).

You see, the WAGS are now to record a charity single in aid of Help A Saarff Laaahndan Kiddy.

A little more detail from a press release passed on to me from the charity's chairman, Daz Twigge of Erith ...

"Contrary to public opinion, not all Saarff Laaahndan kiddies have dads who are rolling in it because of the money they make as self employed builders, fitters or decorators. Shocking as it may seem, consider the following facts:

* Some kiddies' parents can't even afford to hire a BAAAHNCEY castle for their big, fuck-off "look how much money WE can afford to throw away" kiddy birthday party, let alone hire a real Spanish castle, some knights to re-enact a battle, catering, champagne for the parents, furry animal costumes for the kiddies or invite five hundred guests.

* Some kiddies face real humiliation on the school run. Imagine - all the other kids' mums have turned up, double parking up the street by the school in their people carriers or massive 4WD's ... and YOUR mum turns up in a Nissan Micra. You would be an obvious bullying target.

* Some babies' mums can't afford to buy one of those pushchairs which is the size of a JCB digger to clutter up the pavements or shops and run over the feet of innocent passers by. That's a terrible start in life, don't you think?

* Even worse, they can't afford to kit their little 'uns and themselves out in coordinating Moschino outfits. "

So, bearing in mind these heartwrenching facts, I would encourage you to donate as much money as possible.

The single will be a new version of Michael Jackson's Ben (a touching song about a rat).

Obviously Poshbecks, Cheryl "Ah Fanceeee A Naiyt On Tha Toooooon" Tweedy or Colleen McLoughlin will not be singing on the record as they are too rich and famous, but other player's wives and girlfriends are in the studio at present. Apparently.

"Steven Gerrard's partner, Alex Curran, has a well soulful, Beverley Knight-type voice" says Daz Twigge, owner of Twigge Recording Studios, 3A, Locke Road, Erith. "She is what is known in the business as a blue eyed soul singer. I can imagine her going on to be the new Josh Stone or Janis Jopling or summink."

All I can do is urge you to pre-order this single and send it rocketing up the charts. It might even go on to be judged as a classic charity song, like that Ferry Aid Stock Aitken And Waterman version of Let It Be.

Or you could make a donation to Help A Saarff Laaahndan Kiddy c/o Daz Twigge, 3A, Locke Road, Erith.

Hey, I KNOW both my readers are warm, generous people. Let's do what Marvin Gaye encouraged us to - let's save the babies!

I don't post south of the river. If I attached a fiver to a paper aeroplane and flung it across the Alberyt Bridge, would that be ok?
oo, a little chav baby. thats wearing burberry plaid.
*feels very international and sophisticated for knowing this*

we ar the WHIRLD...
we ar the CHILRUN..
we da da da, dum eda da da, some other words...
we are the WHIRLD..
Billy - it'll land somewhere and someone will nick the fiver straight away, I can guarantee. Whereas if I did the same in the opposite direction the nicely brought up citizens of North London would immediately hand the fiver into the nearest police station.

First Nations ...


(Cyndi Lauper. I can't remember who the rest of them were. Are they all dead?)
You see, north and South london does have something in common.
By the way, why is your blog not updating in my bookmark? Since you've been back I presumed you'd gone off blogging.
Sher them orl the byerty they possess insaaahd!

Give them a sensa praaaahd....!!

(sorry - thought it was a blogger sing a long like that 'perfect day' one wayback... )
Please tell me this is only a spoof!
Wyndham - no, I've definitely not given up blogging (... chorus of "MORE'S THE PITY" rises up), so I don't know what has happened with your bookmark. Mind you, my comments aren't working properly again, so ...

Doppelganger - let the churln's leffter remahnd us how we ursst ter be ...

TC - if only it were a spoof. Blimey, I've had all the tabloids on my case since I posted this. That horse faced one from the 3AM Girls is a real pain in the jacksy.
If that's a veiled dig at Beverly Knight I'll be very upset.

She's ace.
Betty - I can’t help thinking you are being just a tad cynical here. These poor kiddies need help.
Now I’m a bit short of the readies at present so I’ve given Kev some wool and knitting needles and he’s knitting squares which I’ll sew together. At least these little darlings can be warm when the heat wave is over.
That baby in the photo doesn't even have any jewellery! Poor little bastard.

I enclose a virtual fiver to pay for ear-piercing, a little 'diamond' stud just like Beckham's, and several big 'gold' chains from H. Samuel. And a sovereign ring for when he's a bit older. Like five.
Russ L - it wasn't a veiled dig at Beverley Knight (MBE), honest.

Kaz - nice thought, but the kiddies' mums wouldn't really accept hand knitted blankets. "It's got to be designah labels" they'd say, "only the best for my kids".

Spisnterella - too true. When should he get his first tattoo?
Thank heavens your readers have refrained from making cheap jibes at the expense of these poor Saarth Laandaan kids. As someone who grew up in similar circumstances I can tell you there is nothing more hurtful than being surrounded by the excessive wealth of your peers. Thankfully in my case I vowed that I would get myself into a position where I too could purchase consumer durables at will. It has been a long hard struggle but oh so worth while. Nothing beats the satisfaction of driving up on the pavement in my SUV and blasting out a good dose of diesel particulates all over the 'walking bus' as it winds it's cheery way down our high street.
Oh sweet joy!
Oh...I fear I will have to revisit later. La Channisse is eating a labradoodle egg.

Tom, the thing is, once you have kiddies you HAVE to get a big vehicle. It's like a jungle out there. You are the tiger and they are your cubs. You have to protect them so you have to be looking at a 4WD at least, preferably with bull bars on.

Richard - I think you have mixed me up with someone you were sending a "texx" to. It happpens.
Ferry Aid?

I thought Bryan was playing Lord and Ladytron Muck with some Aristo or other - you know, Otis the Fox Slayer's mum.

Still, if he's in dire straits, I'd happily give my life savings to keep the author of For Your Pleasure in the manner to which he's become accsustomed. Will you need my pin number?

Bob - I'd be more interested in getting Bryan's pin number so that I can live the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed ...
Hang on, I'm playing catch up. Bryan Ferry is now in Dire Straits. When is the sun going to go in?
"Ferry 'Cross The Mairseee" - Gerry Marsden, 1964

"Don't Let The Sun Catch You Cryin'" Gerry Marsden, 1964
Transpontine as ever...
Yes Mark, the same old same old. It's getting a bit repetitive, this blog, to say the least. Still some major changes are underway (... not really ...)
You're very quiet, Betty. I'm becoming a trifle concerned.
Still here. Can't think of anything good to post. Will have to start publishing any old crap. Not that anyone will be able to tell the difference anyway.
thank you, thank you, thank you

betty, dear: i have been wondering for WEEKS what 'WAG' stood for

am eternally grateful - will no longer be social pariah in pub discussions about the game where some lads (a dozen?) kick about a ball
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