Monday, July 10, 2006


The first thing I saw when I switched the television on this morning was some dimwitted harpy telling female viewers what they should be wearing this summer.

"Skinny jeans tucked into boots - this look is so over. Besides, if you're any bigger than Kate Moss YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WEARING THEM ANYWAY!!!!!"

Calm down dear.

"Wide belts are everywhere this summer. Remember, however, unless You Are Slim (i.e., under a size eight I would guess) DON'T wear them around the waist. Over the hips is the way to go".

"Sixties style shift dresses are everywhere this summer, which is great if You Are Slim and Have Small Breasts. However, if you have large hips or thick legs, a fifties style fitted sundress would suit you better. The diagonal stripes on this one are perfect because they detract from your huge, flabby, repulsive arse and rugby player's legs".

"Alternatively, if you're over eight stone you could just wear a drab Hattie Jacques style smock dress to disguise all the rolls of fat. Best not to leave the house unless under cover of darkness. Still, it's all your own fault you sweaty old hag. Self denial is so now".

My response:

1. Would you ever trust someone who uses expressions like "this look is so over" or "I'm loving the shoes"? Jesus.

2. Do these people see everything around them in CinemaScope, or is it me that's got a distorted view of the world? Is every woman I see on the high street actually six foot two and seven and a half stone?

Calm down dear.

Long live curvy women, I say.

I hate those damn stick insects.

"They're SO over!"
Glad you were able to inform us of this Betty.

I am off now to buy a huge kaftan to hide my hideously obese 9 stone of flab.
So, what are you wearing tonight?
My Canadian Girlfriend knew someone who could wear one of those big belts and wrap it round twice. Suffice to say that after all the women in the office had seen this - this poor young girl didn't last long.
TC - no, of course thin women will always be in, because clothes "hang" better on them. Really.

Spinsterella - aren't kaftans part of the boho look though? That is "so" last year!

Vicus - as usual, a dressing gown with dried up bits of breakfast cereal down the front and winceyette pyjamas with a teddy bear print on.
I think that I read somewhere that Size O is very 'in' at the moment. Doesn't that mean that you are, in fact, dead?

I am so unbelievably curvy that even the curves have curves. Always have been like that...always will. And the curves' curves have curves. I tell you...I love it.

Long live voluptuous, gorgeous, fantastic 'real' women. And thank the Lord for lovely big pants. And cereal stained jim-jams.
I'm personally on the "no solids until September" Speedos diet. I look great in my trunks but am, unfortunately, too weak to stand. Swings and roundabouts.
The word 'voluptuous'...just let me enjoy that thought for a moment...round and fat with sugar on the top...right, back to this, it must be so hard to be the fashion police, how do they sustain such a burden of civic duty?
odd thing in america, we have a 'dying victorian sex waif' thing going at the same time we have a 'bootylicious, big and bouncy' thing going. and all the clothes are made to fit six year old boys who are six and a half feet tall, so, basically, all american women this year are naked, or wearing bedsheets and some twine.
ps-i am FIRSTNATIONS but i am on my daughters computer and cant figure out how to make it say my name. say my name, bitch!!!
Right on Betty.
Fashion has got to be one of the biggest examples of a sick bloated over-rich society - I hate it. Anyone who thinks in such a short term way immediately turns me off completely, whatever they look like.
Sorry to be serious.
I´m so short that all I need is a wide belt.
MB - I bet she never "joined in" when they all ate the cakes which had been bought for somebody's birthday (the cakes are one of the few things that make life in a tedious office bearable), so it's not surprising she had to go.

Molly - I think a size 0 is a British size 4 (in other words, fits someone who is the size of a four year old). Apparently, Victoria Beckham has ordered some size 0 jeans, which is very nice for her.

Rhino - actually, Victoria is on the "no solids until Domesday" diet and is looking very healthy on it, considering. I hope you haven't cheated by having chunky vegetable soup. The path to true righteousness is littered with temptation.

Krusty - the only thing I can see which is difficult about the job is having to set an example by looking malnourished, and remembering that whatever was fashionable last season, or whatever is actually worn by ordinary women, is now really naff and unwearable. It probably pays well but I don't think it's a job where you'd have many laughs.

First Nations - I don't understand why you can read a magazine article slagging off the likes of Nicole Ritchie for setting a bad example to young girls, then turn over the page to see a fashion shoot featuring a pallid fourteen year old who hasn't eaten for a month.

Tom - I don't think it's fashion I object to so much as the seriousness of it all. What's the point of making women feel even more insecure about themselves?
And as I keep pointing out, anything you're wearing this year will be the subject of ridicule in ten years' time.

Which makes me think there's something else behind the fashion-go-round than the desire to make people look good.

Oh. I remember. It's the desire to shift lots of product.
I'm on the ozone diet: you eat nothing but air for two weeks and then nothing but red meat for two weeks, so it all balances out.
Kaz - Wouldn't a belt be very restricting, though?

Mark - thing is, the fashion go-round seems to be going faster and faster. We've all got so much disposable income to spend on more and more stupid clothes after all, haven't we?

Billy - I've tried that diet. The flatulence problem cancelled out the weight loss,though.
Cool. The stupid people still haven't realised that smart, independent people like us invented fashion to keep them all busy, and well away from anything important. Imagine if a fashionista walked into a peace conference! "Oh, Nuclear disarmament is SOOO 1980's..." Disaster. No, this works much much better.

Today, I'm wearing jeans and a T Shirt. With trainers. From a shop. Lack of interest, model's own.
Del - reminds me of Katherine Hammnett and the "58 per cent don't want Pershing" t-shirt she wore to meet The Iron Cowbag at 10 Downing Street. That really halted the nuclear arms race, didn't it?

Anyway, why aren't you blokes obsessed with fashion? Why is it you're so sceptical about it and prefer to wear comfortable clothes rather than worry about bloody handbags and shoes? I couldn't POSSIBLY comment ...
who says "i'm LOVING the shoes!"

um, has emma b switched from being the musak guru to being the fashun advisor on lk today??

i mean, what is her real surname?
Oh, a lot of people on the telly say "I'm LOVING the shoes, but fortunately I'm yet to hear it said by a real person and I hope I never do.

Emma Buggerup.

Oh, by the way, that woman was on GMTV again this morning, wearing one of those wide belts around her waist, just to prove that SHE is thin enough to get away with it. Hmm.
Don't you just hate them
Love from a size 20!

I dunno. Why aren't blokes obsessed? Is it cos we're all stupid? Are the adverts true? Where did i put my ice cream?
I have repeatedly offered to introduce the very lovely Miss Knightly, K to the delights of a fish and chip supper and a couple of bottles of Timothy Taylor's Landlord but I've yet to hear anything. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Helen, the GMTV woman was on again this morning having a go at men who are are topless in the street in hot weather - "all that chest hair looks REPULSIVE!" Dear me, she DOES get easily upset. Perhaps she ought to consider an anger management course.

Del - possibly because men have better things to do with their time? I happened upon a woman's forum via my statcounter, and the thread I saw was basically slagging off a tv presenter for her dress sense and not being rake thin in great and tedious detail. It wasn't even particularly witty. Too many brains turned to mush by "reading" Heat magazine no doubt.

Richard - I think Keira Knightley is naturally thin, always has been. Still, there's bound to be a picture of her on the front of Closer at some point accompanied by the headline "KEIRA PILES ON THE POUNDS".
You ask "Is every woman I see on the high street actually six foot two and seven and a half stone?" I reply every woman I see on the high street is 5'4" and 12 stone but wearing the clothes of someone who's 6'2" and 7.5...
Only 12 stone? That's pretty generous ...
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