Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Lucifer "I find that VO5 Extreme Hold Freeze Gel stops my horns from wilting, even in the fires of Hades. Smells great too!"

This being the sixth of the sixth of the sixth of the sixth, we must rest assured that the world has ended, and we are currently living in post-apocalypse times.

Typically, it doesn't seem that much different from the pre-apocalypse world. Apart from the dream I had before waking about my dad driving around in a red 1980's Range Rover with a voiceover commentary from Terry Wogan, nothing remotely satanic has happened to me today. Although I was having breathing difficulties when I awoke and my heart was beating nineteen to the dozen, so that might have been a sign.

Bee-al-zee-bub has a devil put a syphon me, on me, on meeeeee.

But did you notice Terry Wogan's horns?
..and here was me thinking it was just a hangover...
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Interpreter - I couldn't see Terry, just hear a disembodied, muffled voice. A good thing really, because I find his hairpiece a bit disturbing. Who knows what's under there?

TC - yes, it's strange how things are carrying on the same as ever, and no-one dares to admit the world has ended. Except me.

MJ - don't fear the reaper.
Speak for yourself, we can't get out of the door for locusts and there's plague in Sandbach.

I'm glad you cleared up the BH lyric for me, Betty. That's been bugging me for the last 31 years.
No locusts, but a few ants.

Baz Miller! We will not let you go.
I tripped on a paving stone and a strange woman in the supermarket gave me a funny look.

The devil definitely rides out.
I was just walking along minding my own business when licking flames rose up legs and set fire to my hair. Then the voice of Satan sayeth, 'You shall not go to work today oh Hamburger Lady' of third Throbbing Gristle album. And charred and putrifying as I was, I stumped back to the deathly hole and wrapped myself in 'Andrex' puppy of Satan stuff and sat steaming, vile stuff oozing. And lo, he came to me.
Radio Five were discussing this subject this morning. "Has anything diabolical happened to you today". "Yes," I screamed, "I have listened to a load of tossers talking about an entirely insignificant numerical coincidence."
Thank you for letting me get that off of my chest. I am off now to push a few more nuns into the fire. My hooves need clipping, too.
I'm not a devil worshipper as such, but I can see his point. I mean, a lot of what he has on offer is jolly good fun isn't it. And if the choice is between being a fucking religeous nutter or having a nice time, well I'll take the latter.
my dogs won't stop farting. does that count as satanic? because it certainly seems satanic.

anyone remember the when the Grand Alignment was going to cause an earthquake so powerful that California was going to chunk off and sink into the pacific?
has that happened yet?

no, i really want to know.
Garfer - you see, that's what happens if you shop in Netto. Even the shop assistants in there are unhinged.

Molly Bloom - ah! The tinned fish and meats aisle in Netto. Avoid the man who is stacking the shelves, especially when he starts talking in tongues.

Vicus - those hooves. Euuw! I can see them from here. They need some serious pedicure work, girlfriend.

Tom - I think Dave Allen said something about Hell sounding a lot more fun than Heaven. In Hell it's all boozing, partying and clubbing, but in Heaven you spend all your time at choral practice (something along those lines, anyway).

First Nations - no, I don't think it's been mentioned on the news, although over here there were terrible floods in East Anglia, and it has disappeared forever, to become a lost kingdom like Atlantis. So we won't be hearing from JonnyB again ...
Greetings from California. Last time I checked I wasn't floating.
That earthquake thing? That will happen at the end of next week, when the decorator leaves the apartment.
I'm holding you responsible for planting Don't Fear the Reaper into my head. I've been singing it since Tuesday. Please, I beseech you. Make it stop.
Arabella - glad to hear that California is still intact.

Why bother with decorating, given all the adverse weather conditions around nowadays? Floods, earthquakes, hurricanes. Well, that's the excuse I use, mainly because I'm the one who has to end up doing the decorating.

MJ - God, was it about 3 in the morning your time when you sent that comment? I can only apologise about Don't Fear The Reaper ... that guitar solo is something else, though.
It was midnight. I'm 8 hours behind you. When I'm calling it a night, you lot are getting up.

Could you please select another song to replace DFTR in my head? Anything. It's still in there.
More Than A Feeling by Boston.

One classic rock song has to be replaced by another.
Geoff: Can you get that for me on 8-track?
No, but I've got the Betamax of Boston Live 18th September 1936.

Slicked back hair and everything.
Is that Boston Live At Nuremberg?
I see my Eva Braun walking away
I really didn't know that Boston were that sort of band. Were they a big influence on Screwdriver? I shudder to think.
Watch them in all their seventies splendour on You Tube...


(Apologies for the long URL. If anyone knows how to make a link when commenting, please email me.)
Ah, definitely the sort of song where you lie down with your head between the speakers and erm, close your eyes and drift away. What a Spinal Tap of a band they were though, especially the bass player. That big, hair drummer is also a running joke in our house (sorry, we're ... strange ... like that).
Betty, was the timing of this post planned. 10/10 if it was, otherwise I'm getting spooked.
Oooh, it is very spoooooky, isn't it?

I mean, I posted that at 6.06 am. I have to get up early these days since I started the new job as a milkman.
Oh, and I meant to say "the big, hairy drummer" from Boston.
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