Wednesday, May 03, 2006


In shocking news today, it appears that there will be a ONE DAY HEATWAVE in Britain tomorrow.

March and April were piddlingly below average in terms of weather, with cool temperatures, keening winds and grey skies.

Not only this, but there is likely to be a drought in the south of England during the summer, and soon in Kent where I live there will be all sorts of exclusions on the use of water. You will be forbidden to wash your car, bath or wash any body parts except the loathsome extremities. Men will have to grow beards and we will all have matted greasy hair. Does anyone remember the band Canned Heat?

Yes, it is going to be worse than the drought of '76, and I'm sure we can all remember the striking images of women wearing wedge sandals, peasant skirts and those off the shoulder cheesecloth "gipsy" tops with the bits of embroidery on queuing up at water stands with buckets.

Bloody hell, I do like to go on about the drought of '76, don't I?

So we British may as well REJOICE over the news of the ONE DAY HEATWAVE. Throw off your parkas and fleeces and get out your summer wardrobe!

Which brings me to my latest competition!

The first person on Thursday to e-mail, "texx", phone or send a comment to me stating that they have seen A Man In Shorts will receive a box of Christmas crackers from the ever reliable pound shop down the precinct.

It has to be a specific sort of Man In Shorts though. He has to be on the big side, with Queen Anne legs, be wearing those chunky, spongey sandals with the velcro straps and preferably have at least a 46 inch gut. Even better if he has the slow, rolling gait of a bandy legged out of shape bloke.

The shorts have to be those knee length baggy things with millions of pockets and concertina creasing around the crotch. They probably haven't seen the inside of a washing machine since they were bought 2 years ago and they're unlikely to this year because of the drought. Yeugh!

If a reader manages to see a man in snug Speedo trunks they will win the entire contents of the pound shop.

Fingers crossed that a member of the Wiggins family doesn't win this time. Best of luck!

The shorts-wearing begins here in Vancouver as soon as the temperature rises above 5 degrees or so. That, and the convertible tops of cars come down.
Hey Betty - can't wait for tomorrow. I don't work so I can spend a whole day looking for men in shorts. I don't suppose cyclists count do they?
On weekdays all cyclists are over 55 and trying to work off a beer gut. Wish me luck.
Man In Shorts Sighting! The postman just came by and he's wearing shorts. Didn't have my camera at hand to take a pic as proof. However, the posties wear shorts all year 'round here. I don't suppose I win anything as I'm not in the UK. And he wasn't on the chubby side. Still no Speedo sightings.
MJ - Vancouver men are made of strong stuff. Mind you, British teenage girls go out clubbing in strappy mini dresses and bare legs in January, so if you're determined enough ...

I wouldn't want to see a postman in Speedoes. That would be nightmarish.

Kaz - you'll need luck with those cyclists because all I ever hear about them is how they terrorise old women and shout abuse at people who don't get out their way in 3 seconds flat.
Ah Betty, now you've got me onto one of my favourite topics, the drought of 76. I remember walking my cows up the road to eat the grass verges etc. etc. ad infinitum.
Tomorrow I will be wearing my shorts and as luck would have it they and I completely fit the description needed to win the competition. Sadly the prize you offer is on the dissappointing side - agreed the prize for the speedos is better, but I would not inflict the sight of myself in a pair of them on anyone.
I spotted my first man in shorts back in January. It's a Crewe tradition that the shorts go on if it stops raining in January. T-shirts as well. I may well have to claim your prize tomorrow, I will fill all the criteria, including the beard (I don't look like Bob Hite though)
Tom - I don't know if it's really worth winning the Speedoes prize (the entire contents of the pound shop) because that also includes all the really hard mothers-of-six in there who shout "CHELSEA! FARKING SHUT ARRP AND GET BACK 'ERE!" at their kids in there.

Richard - at this rate the box of Christmas crackers may well be winging its way up to you in Wigan - sorry - Crewe. God, the apathy of the British public! Talk about looking a gift horse in the face!
It has been very windy and it has also rained twice, albeit only slightly. I have to admit that I never got around to wearing the shorts. Tomorrow I may well go and watch Kent play the Lancastrians at Old Trafford. Rain then.
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