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Thursday, May 04, 2006

SEVEN SEAS, SWIMMING THEM SO WELL 

Phew! Wot a scorcher! There is still time to enter the Great Shorts Competition (if you're reading this on Thursday). Come on! The box of Christmas crackers has to go, and they are all stuffed with gifts that "have parts which could potentially harm a small child" (Lynn Faulds Wood, 1994).

Anyway, I have been tagged by Tim Footman for another meme - the Seven Things You Didn't Know About Me meme.

It fills a bit of time, doesn't it, even if I'm never going to get in with those people on Dissensus. K-Punk wouldn't do a fucking meme, would he?

1. Tim Footman's dad, a Richard Stilgoe lookalike, was my geography teacher.

2. My tumble dryer has just broken down. Anyone who is a white goods expert who can offer their advice can do so by e-mail or in the comments box. Also, is it better to rent or buy a washing machine?

3. My GP once looked closely and quizzically at me and asked "have you got that syndrome?" "What's that?" I asked. "Er, no, never mind" he replied. I've been paranoid about it ever since.

4. I touched a dead rat behind a radiator pipe at school and when I told the teacher everyone started screaming and we had to evacuate the room for about an hour. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing and scrubbing my hands with that toxic School Soap because I was terrified I had got the Plague, which we had just "done" in history.

5. I am the "heir" to a bit of land and a house in Croatia which everyone tells me is a potential tourist haven, even though it's miles from the coast and I bet it's in a landmine-strewn postwar area.

6. I always mispronounced the word horizon until I got to my 30's.

7. I tried to read the Old Testament last year, but gave up after a few pages of "Bazalthar begat Gonorrhea, and he begat Noah, and he lived for 175 years, and his loins were fruitful, and he died".

Didn't have to make most of it up either ...

Comments:
Not Zachery syndrome, I trust?
 
oo! oo!
heres a fat guy with spindly legs IN A SPEEDO ( or at least it's a Speedo on him...)
http://www.dangerouslogic.com/images/speedo_guy.jpg

You can rent a washer/dryer? dang. Use a line while the weathers still nice and procrastinate.
 
Vicus - I had to look that one up. Nope, my face does not look like my arse. Anyway, my GP was a notorious drunk (that's my excuse).

First Nations - that bloke appears to have a half moon across his body which hasn't caught the sun, and the rest of him is the standard lobster colour. He is about the right physical shape though.

The weather is on the turn with rain forecast for the next few days. Bah.
 
How did you pronounce 'horizon' before you saw the light?
 
Horryzon.

Using words with more than one syllable in wasn't approved of in my circle, so I'd never heard it used in conversation before.
 
If you are short of cash, or simply do not want to encourage the consumer society, you can get perfectly good secondhand washing machines for about £50. Why are they secondhand - well mainly because of all the prats who have to have up to the minute, latest design, new, new, new, stuff, to make them happy.
 
about #5, you WILL still talk to us plebes once you've come into your inheritance won't you?
 
You should buy a washing machine and, one week before the warranty runs out, load it up with gravel and put it through the spin cycle. Oddly enough, it ends up uneconomic to repair and they will supply you with a new one.

Planned obsolescence? I always plan for obsolescence!
 
"Balthazar begat Gonorrhea"? Sounds like the sort of warning ads they put up above the urinals in the gents advising the use of condoms. "Balthazar had had a skinful in Yates's, bought a kebab, spewed on his shoes and still managed to pull..."

I like your GP - he sounds like he had a good sense of humour.
 
Tom - Probably not a bad idea, but I've never had much trust in washing machines. I wouldn't know what's fashionable on the washing machine front anyway, and they always seem to break down just after the guarantee runs out. Now my parents' old Hotpoint washer (complete with mangle) was in perfect working order for about 30 years!

Kyahgirl - "Inheritance" is a slightly too optimistic word really. I'm not up to the challenge of jetting off to Croatia several times a year to do a miracle makeover on a grotty old farmhouse. Plus the solicitors' fees are exorbitant!

Johneffay - we've decided to upgrade the rental from a washing machine to a washer/dryer. You have to give a month's notice before you quit their scheme anyway, which makes it difficult to break free of them. Anyway, by way of revenge I will definitely be putting rocks in for the spin cylce of the washer that's to be taken away.

Ben - The GP probably needed to have a sense of humour, being a raging drunk.

There's that other bit in the Old Testament I missed out - "Vicus begat Zachery, and Zachery begat Zachery Syndrome"
 
Vicus straddles both testaments?
 
Like a colossus.
 
Vicus will straddle anything given half a chance!
 
Before offering any advice on what to do with your tumble drier, I need to know what floor you live on, and whether Vicus (who was begat by Scurra, by the way) lives downstairs.
 
Well, the washing machine is on the ground floor, but we had problems with a neighbour downstairs when we lived in a flat, who accused me of having the washing machine on all the time - "it's driving me up the wall, bang bang, all of the day and all of the night". I was perfectly polite but she carried on ranting, regardless.

She moved a couple of months after and the bloke who lives there now once said to us that she tried to sell him the lightbulbs that were fitted in the flat! "If she tried to smile I think she would have died from the effort" he added. Hmm.

No, Vicus doesn't live here any more. He used to have a gloomy room in the basement but was escorted from the premises by police about 5 years ago.
 
He's been trying to get in here. I'll let him know when I've cleared the space under the shed.
 
I hope you have had the security in your home upgraded. Don't give him a housekey and keep doors bolted if at all possible. Things used to go "missing" because of his strange compulsive behaviour. If he is going to live under the shed you're unlikely to see your lawnmower again.
 
A varied and entertaining 'seven things..' My favourite (and the one I most identify with) is the mispronunciation of 'horizon'. I never had any problems with that word, but I will admit to still being, at the age of thirty-eight, unsure how you are supposed to say 'halcyon'.
 
Read the Old Testament? Bah. I'm waiting for the movie, hopefully directed by John Woo or Michael Bay.

Or Michael Winner.
 
QUENTIN TARENTINO.
 
Jonathan - I'm forever being told that I've mispronounced words. I must be punching above my weight. Anyway, I think it's pronounced hal-see-on, but don't trust me.

Del and First Nations - I'm sure John Woo or Quentin Tarantino would make a good job of it, but I bet the job would go to someone like Spielberg or Sir Dickie Attenborough. I suppose Samuel L. Jackson would have to be Moses.
 
This has got legs. Blaxploitation Bible!

Alan Rickman as Pharoah. Snoop Dogg as Joseph, with his badass pimp coat. Martin Lawrence as Cain and Will Smith as Abel. Ice Cube as Noah. It writes itself.
 
... The Notorious BIG and L'il Kim as Adam and Eve (not very practical, but I can't see any other way around it) ... Kanye West already thinks he's God, so he's the only choice for that role but he'd probably bankrupt the film company with his wage demands ...

I don't think it would be a good idea to tell Richard Blackwood. He would do anything just to get a part as an extra in the parting of the Red Sea scenes, just to revive his "career" ...
 
Your first commenter looks rather Old Testament.
 
Mike, Vicus seems to have cast a long shadow over the comments on this post ...
 
Never mind Vicus. I'm confused. Is that you guest-editing Jonny Billericay's blog?
 
Norfolk 'n way. We are the mean streets of South London.
 
Mark - Jonny B's guest editor is someone who is using a nom de plume, Betty Ecclesfeckin. What an insult to those of us who are real Bettys! Anyway, I'm not famous enough to be his guest editor - it would be like Sir Ian McKellen heading an RSC production and having an understudy from Barnehurst Amateur Dramatics Society. Or, perhaps, Richard Blackwood.

I think the guest editor is Miriam Margolyes. Any other ideas?

(you can tell I want to keep this thread going because I haven't got a clue what I'm going to write about in the next post, tee hee).
 
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