Friday, May 12, 2006


R. Beryl and R. Sandra

My husband is the sort of person who talks enthusiastically about only one subject: football. Or, more specifically, West Ham United.

So tomorrow is a big day in our house, because West Ham are playing Liverpool in the F A Cup final. Sorry if this is parochial to any non-Brits, but it is of vital importance that all readers send their positive vibes to Cardiff where the match is being played. If West Ham lose, there will be a black cloud of malcontent over our house for several days.

To get you in the mood, a few awful things about Liverpool which you should think about (even if you don't know about them) to send their team negative vibes.

1. Any Carla Lane sitcom. Particularly the Liver Birds (pictured above). The most depressing sitcom of all time. Few things are worse than Nerys Hughes staring dreamily into the middle distance and saying "we're all God's creatures on this earth" in a sing song voice.

2. Carla Lane. Silly moo.

3. "Oh, you are a mucky kid, dairty as a dustbin lid ... you'll gerra belt from yer dad", a.k.a. R. Cilla's Mairseyside Lullaby, or something along those lines.

4. Stan "the Jairmans, the Jairmans" Boardman.

5. 1970's Liverpool football players ... Kevin Keegan ... Emlyn Hughes ...

6. Beardy Liverpool playwrights who start crying at the drop of a hat.

7. Tarby to Kenny Lynch: "can't you start a rain dance for us, Chicken George?" Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

8. Carla Lane.

9. The Scaffold. "We'll drinka drinka drink to Lily The Pink". No, we won't. "Thank you very much for yer Aintree Iron". No, thanks all the same.

10. Margi Clarke as that hard bird in Deirdre's cell in the nick. "I'll tell yer sumpin', you've gorra look out for yerself in 'ere gairl". Argg.

So, dear reader, take a few minutes somewhere between 3 - 5 GMT to send the Hammers your positive forces. We shall overcome.

Or, it you're reading this after the match and Liverpool won 7-0, bollocks to the lot of you.

My lovely fellow-spinster flatmate is Scouse and I used to live in Liverpool, so I'm afraid I shall be dressed in red tomorrow pretending like I give a monkeys about football.

It's also my birthday and we're going for a liquid lunch first, so I'll hopefully be drunk before kick-off.

Carla Lane's batteries should have been removed many years ago; she's a truly DREADFUL writer. Thank God she doesn't get commissioned any more. For a time, the BBC would broadcast just anything she penned. I like Margi Clarke though.
I'd be happy to send the correct vibes betty. However, you must promise that, in your gratitude, you will resist the urge to send me a statue of a ginger haired twat.
Go the Hammers! They are nearer to me so get my automatic support.
I read that Roger McGough 'doesn't like music and never has' - maybe that's why he made such a shit record.

Thankyou for that previous comment. Cool, another Fall fan...

This made me chuckle and I particularly loved that picture....brought back lots of memories of the 70s trying to avoid going to bed and making a Dairylea sandwich last 45 minutes. A hard task...but possible nonetheless.

Whoever you want to win - I hope they win.

I linked you backxx
Roger McGough was on Jools Holland's show a couple of years ago, spouting some awful poem about Britpop.

Grandad...you're lovely...
Roger McGough? Awful. And such shit poems.

More awful things about Liverpool;

Paul McCartney
Derek Hatton
what Bill Bryson described as 'a litter festival'
Craig Charles
The obsession with football.

I am completely in accord with the awfulness of Tarbie, Swilla Clack and Carla Lane.

I once went to a supermarket in Liverpool on business, and as I got out of the car noticed that the building next door was surrounded by a 12ft security fence topped off with barbed wire and razor ribbon. All the windows were barred too. What can it be, I thought. Then I noticed that the bars, and the fence and the wire/ribbon were all painted in bright colours. Stranger yet, thought I. Then I saw the sign...it was a nursery school. No word of a lie.

Why do Scousers who make a packet of money all insist on telling us how fab a city it is whilst making urgent efforts to move away?

Did I mention Creepy Craig Charles? Ugh, the very thought sends a shiver down my spine.
I had a minor run-in with a musician a while back after his band played Crewe and called it part of his Merseyside Adventure or something. Technically we are in the Mersey basin; the Mersey actually runs into Greater Manchester, too but you go into a bar in Salford or Eccles and tell them they're on Merseyside.

No everyone go to Geoff's because it's empty there.
Ah Betts, for once we are not in agreement. Liverpool FC are everything good that there is about football. So although West Ham are one of the few other clubs I kind of like, I'm afraid I hope they get well and truly stuffed this afternoon.
They get into Europe even if they lose so something good happens for them.
I'm rather fond of a McCartney ditty or two. I think Alan Belasdale's from Liverpool too. So that's 2 to the scousers.

On the other hand, the rest of your list seems to be pretty cast-iron. And we wouldn't want Liverpool thinking they've actually got a football team next year, would we?

For this one day, I'm forever blowing bubbles. Thank you for reminding me.
Spinsterella - happy birthday! I will probably be drinking through the afternoon just to get through the bloody match. Pathetic, eh?

Lost Boy - saw Carla Lane on a programme about modern comedy getting really angry about the fact that the BBC don't use good writers these days (ie, her) and standards have really fallen and everything is based around filth, crudity and rude language and it was never like that in her day. Hilarious.

Kyahgirl - thanks. The statue of the ginger twat landed safely in Wigan with only 2 minor casualties.

Billy - I'd normally support a northern team over a southern team but, hey, there are domestic issues here ...

Betty Cress - cheers, duck! I don't think I could make a Dairylea sandwich last more than a few seconds, even if I concentrated really hard.

Geoff - there is a keen show of hatred of Roger McGough building up. What about other members of the Scaffold?

Krusty - yep, horrible Craig Charles. I forgot to mention him. Spot on with the rest of the stuff. The nursery sounds bizarre. Er, I'm sure there's something positive to say about Liverpool ...

Richard - yeah, I agree, everyone should go over to Geoff's to take his mind off the match. Tense, nervous headache?

Tom - Hey, what will be will be!
Mark - yeah, I like a lot of Macca's music and that of those other three blokes he was in a band with. I can't remember them making a big fuss about Liverpool FC which is probably to their credit.

Hmm, I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles ... doesn't inspire much confidence, does it, a song which includes the words "fortune's always hiding, I've looked everywhere"?
Mike McGear was in the Scaffold. He changed his name to draw attention away from the fact that he was Macca's brother. He was thereafter known as "Mike McGear, who's actually Paul McCartney's brother"

Prwyrm - small village near Mold full of retired Scousers
Richard - Mike McGear went through some long drawn out court case recently where a waitress accused him of making inappropriate advances on her. Anyway, the judge laughed it out of court.

Update: the pre-match build up has started. Have got a bit of goss about one of the presenters which I really can't divulge ...

Anyway, bring on the Meet The Players' Wives feature! Get the hair straightening irons out, douse yerself in self tanning lotion and glue yer acrylic nail extensions on, ladies.
They've just wheeled out Tarbie argh!
West Ham have won over my support much cooler fans Billy Bragg and Phil Jupitus.
Jane, the BBC haven't gone too overboard on the loveable celebrity scousers - probably because they know it would annoy too many people!
John Gorman was the other member of the Scaffold. He is forgiven, because he was one of the brains behind Tiswas.

'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' vs 'You'll Never Work Again'....football songs are hilarious.

Ken Dodd? Mark is right about Bleasdale, that is to the city's credit. And I think Willy Russell, too. And Winifred Robinson (that voice, oooh...spot the Radio 4 fan). So I'm not entirely anti. Oh, and Alexei Sayle, and especially Bobby Chariot.

The nursery school has stayed with me for years - I think it was one of the most depressing things I have ever seen, the pathos of someone having made the effort to try and cheer it up a bit. Terrible. Worse than Jaywick Sands.

I was trying really really hard with the vibes.
Despite having a scouse git as a house guest...
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Krusty, yes, I suppose Alexei Sayle has his moments ... the Walker Art Gallery is quite good and I've heard Liverpool is an excellent place for a night out.

Beth - there was somebody on the West Ham website complaining about their scouse house guest going beserk all the way through the match whereas he was trying not to make a big issue of West Ham's goals. Anyway, I'll try to reciprocate by sending Leeds Utd some positive vibes.

Well, a stirling performance by West Ham who came within a hair's breadth of winning a couple of times. An exciting F.A. Cup final - what a rarity.
Tom - be'ave soft lad.
Liverpool is infested with Welsh and Paddy genes. It's surprising they're not all ugly stunted dwarves with a simian gait.

Hang on. Wayne Rooney.
As an American - no, I didn't vote for George, not either time - I always enjoy listening to "Sports Roundup" on the BBC for the simple reason that I have no idea what they're talking about.

I mean, the jargon is all different - "British North tallies five rounders against Papua New Guinea with a key turn-about on a wide potted plant."

I mean, of course, that's just to give you an idea of how it sounds to me. If you ever tune into American sports casts I suppose it's a similar effect...
Yes Darius, in one. That's exactly what US sports broadcasting sounds like to us bar the fact that there will be the obligatory "World" thrown in somewhere in articles about sports the rest of the world has no idea about because they rarely creep beyond your marine time zones. "We haven't seen a 45er like that since the 1938 Inter-Galactic Bowl in Tulsa. Over to you, Don after a word from our sponsors..."

Gyeijst - New Icelandic wonder boy signed by Chelsea
Garfer - ah, Wayne Rooney. One of those pig ugly footballers who makes sponsorship deals such a problem. The same could be said of the entire Brazilian national squad, by the look of things.

Darius & Richard - I have problems with our own dear Sir Trevor Brooking and his use of the English language. Mind you, it's best to watch sports events with the sound turned off if possible.
Beryl stole my brooch.
OOOooooo I hope Mr Betty is ok and has stopped crying now.
Arabella - oh, I had one of those cherry brooches. Probably wore it with a smock pinafore dress and skinny rib polo neck jumper. 1972, eh?

Ranter - thank you for your concern. Mr Betty didn't cry, but became very bitter and twisted, and has now gone on to the stage of being wildly optimistic about West Ham's chances in next year's UEFA cup, which is a bit worrying.
Perhaps a rousing chorus of Ob La Di, Ob La Da, life goes on, bra?

Thought not. Oh well. Come on Arsenal on Wednesday, that's all I can say.
Del - I will probably be rooting for Arsenal actually, who I don't mind, especially because of the very lovely, very talented, very lovely Thierry.
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