Monday, May 22, 2006


I have been mulling over those e-mail addresses that bloggers have.

Mine is separate from my non-blogging e-mail address where friends who Know My Real Name (Doreen-Marie Smedley) are able to send things like the attachment of that picture of the chocolate rabbit without any ears and the one without any arse, LOL.

In the blogging world I am fearsome, chainsmoking, enormous breasted Betty with the red lipstick, the mane of glossy black hair and masses of ferocious sex appeal.

In real life I am mousey Doreen-Marie, have a pronounced squint, rabbity teeth, wear beige BHS separates and have a frumpy perm. Plus I have one of those awful snorting laughs. Sorry to disappoint you, but we all need to overcompensate for our shortcomings, don't we?

Anyway, my blogging e-mail address occasionally sends me messages from a couple of nice fellow bloggers but is more usually a receptacle for masses of spam e-mails from the likes of, apparently, Mickey Rooney, Susan Sarandon and loads of people called Conrad or Alex who think I am an alpha male type who has a penis fixation, assuring me that I don't want to be the little guy in the locker room and asking me how I measure up to other men. Well, frankly, that's none of your business you cheeky scamp!

Plus there's the odd irate message from someone who "disagrees" with my opinions. These make me feel slightly disturbed.

I have a paranoid belief that all other bloggers are sending each other e-mails behind the scenes and are SLAGGING EACH OTHER OFF in a cloak and dagger way. In fact, they are probably slagging me off and possibly conspiring against me.

The lovely happy supportive blogging community full of stoner hippies, eccentric dropouts and frustrated office clerks with so much more to offer is just a facade. They all hate each other and they especially hate me. Boo hoo.

I just thought I would let you know.

I'm still feeling a bit vengeful. Just pass their email address onto a few casino sites, it'll be fine.

I'm none of those characters, Betty, so I don't hate you.
if you didn't have the email they'd just write about you on the bog wall down at the bus station.
You get hate mail? cool I get diddly squat except offers to improve my manhood not that I've got one.
don't worry Dor- I mean Betty, you have many respectful fans out there in the blogosphere! In fact although you probably don't realise it, you are a major cultural figure and trendsetter. It's only a matter of time before you're invited onto Newsnight Review to cast your critical eye over a film or discuss some turgid novel. So best sort out a non-BHS outfit just in case.
Empty vessels make the most noise, so said my English teacher. To which I obviously shouted "You what?" But I digress. Basically, if you're getting negative mail you can bet that it's mostly from loonies.

And, er, could you forward on those emails from Conrad and Alex? Cheers.
I'll stick with Betty for now, but Doreen-Marie does sound like a bit of a goer.
I'm with Tom. I find both of those personas vividly erotic.
Dear Doreen - Marie.
Have you thought of going on that programme '10 years younger'?
You could have your teeth and beige separates surgically removed and be transformed into Blogging Betty the sex goddess'.
I too have a separate blogging and "real" name. The strange thing is that when doing non-blogging things I think about Billy in the 3rd person i.e. I must get Billy to blog about this.

For the record, I'm very similar to Billy in real life except I don't look like a cartoon dog. Much.
Thank yer and Gawd bless yer Richard.

First Nations - I've seen those things written about me on the toilet walls, and the illustations. All I can say is that it would be impossible with my bad back.

Jane - I wish I didn't get the hate mail. It's probably because I'm such a coldhearted bitch so I only have myself to blame ...

Shykitten - the thought of having to go on Newsnight Review to discuss the new Martin Amis novel with Lionel Shriver, John "I Invented Britpop" Harris and Kwame Kwei-Armah has plunged me into depression.

Oh bollocks, I might push the boat out and buy a Jaeger suit and have my perm relaxed.

Del - people don't hold back with their opinions on the internet, do they? Er, including me, that is.

I will be auctioning the e-mails from Alex and Conrad in a couple of days. No anonymous bidders, please.

Tom and Vicus - for another sexy Betty (well, Bettie) visit http://www.bettiepage.com/index.php
and to satisfy your desire for squinty eyes go to http://images.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&q=ben%20turpin&btnG=Google+Search&sa=N&tab=wi


Kaz - thank you for the concern, but I wouldn't go on that programme because the woman who presents it terrifies me. What is wrong with BHS elasticated waist slacks anyway? They are very comfortable.

Billy - I think when I reach the point where I mix my blogging and real identities up, such as signing myself Betty on e-mails or cheques could be the point when (a) I give up blogging and (b) I get myself certified.
Why, why would anyone send you nasty mail? They must indeed be bonkers.
The comment space of some blogs I visit can have the atmosphere of the school playground before a bully picks a fight. It can be mesmerising but I don't linger if I can help it.
I like you a normal amount.
I misread the Google search string you suggested for squinty eyes and thought I'd be seeing images of Betty Turpin behind the bar at The Rovers.
feeling a bit paranoid?

I really am pretty nice in real life, not a rabid squirrel. Or maybe not. How will you ever know?

I've only ever got one nasty e-mail. It was from a rabid squirrel telling me I was an insult to all feminists because I got a special wax job done. I am now a pawn in the game of male oppression? Did you know that was possible, just by going to the spa?
The world is full of amazing and twisted people Doreen, I mean Betty.

Carry on-you're fab.
Doreen-Marie would look good on one of those postcards you get in telephone kiosks.

Sonds a bit dominatrix to me, not that I'd know about that sort of thing.
Arabella - well, yes, that's a pretty good analogy. I've even seen people air "domestic differences" on blogs. People seem to feel empowered to say horrible stuff that they never would to somebody's face. I can understand teenagers reacting in that way, but not adults.

Ranter - I'm glad about that.

MJ - odd thing is, Betty Turpin (well, Betty Driver)was born at around the same time Ben Turpin's career was on the slide.

Kyahgirl - thank you. Is "rabid squirrel" an official internet term?

Anyway, you've reminded me, I've got to get my er, moustache waxed. I'd better keep quiet about it or the Sistahood might start sending me hate mail.

Garfer - do they still have telephone kiosks in your part of the world?
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