Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Simply Mick. Not remotely seedy.

Golly gosh, I have done a lot of of work clearing up the garden, which I've put off doing for a couple of years. All of the mowing and tidying and planting, and trying to get to the roots of a climbing rose which seemed to be buried about 15 miles into the ground has left me feeling righteous but achey. I have the bandy, stiff-backed gait of a 90 year old peasant.

This has left little time for blogging and leaving inane comments on other sites, for which you should be entirely grateful.

Short of ideas, I have had to resort to a comment left on the previous post by M. Gamon (Herts.) who claims to have owned the most caravans of anyone. So let's find out if he's right. I'd love to find out who among my readers owns two or more caravans, and I'd particularly love to hear from that bloke who leaves messages on sites having a go at people who have a go at caravans.

There will be a special prize for the person who comes up with proof of ownership of the most caravans - a 15 foot plastic model of 1980's Armani suit with a t-shirt underneath blue eyed "soul" vocalist and deeeelectable ladies' man Mick Hucknall (batteries not included). Press the remote control and he sings Holding Back The Ears and all of them other ones!

So come on, you caravan fans!

I'll come clean, I never owned one. My previous comment was for comedic effect and to improve your search ratings amongst the "vanning" fraternity. Mum and Dad had one for a few years, a Sprite Musketeer. The most interesting thing to ever happen in it (apart from me living in it for a week in 1980 with my future ex wife) was that I was listening to John Peel one evening in 1977 while on holiday in Yorkshire, when he said they were getting reports from the US of Elvis' death.

I have such a trash memory.
Golly ! The synchronicity here is something else. I have only just finished blogging about Lannie Frotage and his Anarchist Caravan ! Never owned one myself, they all to often seem to harbour naturists so I'm naturally suspicious.
Sadly, I can lay claim to zero caravans. My grandparents used to have one, pitched up on some cinder blocks in Bognor Regis. We'd go there every year. I occasionally have a nightmare involving folding-chairs which is connected with that period of my life but I have no idea why because Bognor was not that bad.
I have never owned a caravan, but I did once think about getting one. Then I just thought, 'no, better not'. Is it a class thing - I think it might be.

In defense of caravans, they do come in mainly fairly inoffensive colours like white, cream and light green.
Richard - everyone remembers where they were when Elvis died, don't they? Actually I haven't got a clue for some reason, except it was the school holidays.

The Blind-Winger Jones - haven't encountered any naturist caravanners, fortunately, but I was at the BBC's annual naturalist caravan meet. David Attenborough, of course, had a winnebago, but it didn't prevent the rest of us from being kept awake at night because of his terrible flatulence.

Great blog, by the way. Joe Strummer & The Overrated Sons Of Diplomats ... heh heh heh.

Surly Girl - Which was the confusing bit? I know I didn't make much sense when I referred to the bloke who goes around sites criticising people who criticising caravans. I meant web sites rather than caravan sites.

Oh, alright. All of it was incomprehensible.

Wyndham - perhaps the bit with the folding deckchairs was from a Marty Feldman sketch on the telly during your childhood which you've got confused with something that happened in real life. I still have nightmares about Marty Feldman's eyes.

Tom 909 - I think the main thing people object to is the way that caravans block up roads. It might be a class thing, but caravanners probably belong to their own class - "We're Too Nice To Be Working Class"?

Anyway, it looks as if people are going to great lengths to deny owning a caravan. It can't be because they don't want to win the 15 foot Mick Hucknall, can it?
If it puts me in with a chance of winning the 15' MH. then yes, I do have a caravan.
what exactly do you consider to be a caravan?
We own a lovely 'home away from home' which we call a travel trailer on this side of the pond. Does this count?
of course I messed up the link. here it is again....
our trailer
You tow 28'?

I've lived in smaller flats than that!
I own a tent - does that count?
I've never seen the attraction of living in a tin shack and peeing in a chemical toilet.

Caravaneers are crap tourists. They don't spend any money, prefering some tinned sausage and beans heated on a one ring stove to a proper slap up dinner in the pub.

You could almost fit 2 Mick Hucknalls in Kyahgirl's trailer.

You might just get them both in if you cut one off at the knees.

Or it might be too tight to mention.
David Attenborough and a Winnebago? Be still, my beating heart!
I simply refuse to believe you about the flatulence.
I don't have a caravan and so do not qualify to enter your competition. And I don't want one either; they make me think of Sid James.
Oh GOD. What have I started?
I'm sorry Kyahgirl, as someone with no authority whatsoever, I have no alternative but to disqualify you from the competition. It's not about the size, it's about quality, and yours is just too far up market. I know this must be dissappointing for you, but there you go, you win some , you lose some.
So I'm still the only person with a caravan.
purely in the interest of clarity, I feel I should point out, having studied Kyahgirl's link, that there is a BIG difference between a proper 40 mph bugger-up-the-A30-for-miles CARAVAN and an honest to God genyoowine white trash US TRAILER.

To illustrate my point:

In my 70s hitchhiking days, my girlfriend and I once got picked up by the most boring man in Somerset. He had a combover, drove his Austin at just over 40 mph all the way, and talked exclusively about how he and his 'little lady' liked to go on holiday in their caravan. He then proceeded to outrage my tie-dyed, henna-haired, dope-smoking outlaw girlfriend by referring to her as my 'little lady'.

I know they have 'old ladies' in US trailer parks, but it's not the same thing at all. Old ladies are a lot hotter, in my humble opinion.

You can all shout at me now.
Kyahgirl - I think I'd classify what you have as a mobile home. Hey, I really really know what I'm talking about because years ago I used to work with a company that put roofs on mobile homes so they would look less caravan-like. I even visited a mobile home exhibition in Northamptonshire, which has added greatly to my credentials as the most interesting blogger in Britain.

I suppose this means you don't qualify, which is a relief as I don't fancy the transport costs for sending the 15 foot Mick to Cananda.

Spinsterella - it looks like you won't get the Hucknall either. Sorry about that.

Garfer - a lot of them seem to spend their whole holiday within a 3 metre radius of the caravan, which I find a bit bizarre. Still, who am I to judge, eh? I presume caravaneers is the proper term, and I should have done more research into it. "Know your enemy" as someone once said.

Arabella - not only does David Attenborough have flatulence, he mutters about wildebeest and snow leopards in his sleep.

Tom - you really want the Hucknall, don't you? I hope your home has very high ceilings.

Mark - so at last we know what Kid Shirt (see links) was really like in the 1970's ...

Didn't Keith Richard always refer to his "bird" as his "old lady"? Probably still does, I should imagine.

My Little Lady is a song by the Tremeloes, but I really don't want to go back to the dark days of discussing them again.

not mine.
WISHWISHWISH it was mine.
they attract tornadoes. i've never seen a real tornado before.
While not strictly a caravan, I could handle one of these quite easily.

oh bollocks! its just that none of you wants me to win the damn Mick statue.


I guess tom is still the only cheapskate tosser with a caravan then. enjoy your statue.
I'm so excited about winning this I can't get it out of my mind. Do I need to send in any proof of caravan ownership, or is the fact that I am obviously a complete tosser sufficient?
well you've got me convinced Tom :-)

Betty might be a bit stricter than I.

Shall even go so far as at whisper *dominatrix*? shhh.
It's just dawned on me that I've been taking an active part in - nay, even initiated - a comments string for which the two main subjects were:

A/ Caravans
B/ Mick Hucknall

If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I've topped myself.
Yeey! Blogger has now allowed me to post a comment at long long last. What a novelty ...

First Nations - is that actually Kyahgirl's caravan/mobile home/winnebago?

I wouldn't want to be in a tornado in one, however sturdy it might be.

Richard - one of those would stand out like a sore thumb in a caravan park. You'd get sneered at.

Tom & Kyahgirl - come along now ladies, let's settle this in a civilised manner. The final result is due to be announced soon and anyway, it's the taking part rather than the winning that matters. We're all grown ups here, after all.

Still, well done Kyahgirl for finally sussing out how I earn my living. Well, we've all gotta eat and pay the bills, 'aven't we dearie?

*rolls eyes and exhales cigarette smoke through nostrils*
Mark - nooooh, don't do it, now that spring is in the air, with flowers everwhere. It ain't wurrfit.
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