Thursday, March 30, 2006


I always take seriously absolutely everything I read in fashion magazines. You really have to try your best to wear whatever is in before it goes out again. Unless it comes back in again with an ironic twist, which can often happen within a few weeks.

Clothes have to hang well to make you look elegant. This means that you have to be a British size 4 (or, in the US, a size minus 27).

The other key thing to remember is that it really is okay to wear something that's "non-designer", particularly if you're naturally outrageous and have your own "quirky" "streetwise" style. Just make sure you offset that Matalan top with a £1500 skirt and you might be able to get away with it.

From extensive reading of fashion magazines, I can now share with you the prevailing trends for spring and summer. Hopefully you'll be able to use this as the basis for your capsule wardrobe which will see you through until autumn. Happy shopping!


Bow ties, thin ties, 1930's cardigans, slicked back hair, being lantern jawed and terrifying small children will all be key elements in The To Die For Look of the moment - but only for the ladies. The full on lantern jawed look can be easily achieved with plenty of cotton wool. Getting the moustache just so is proving to be a bit tricky for me but I'm determined to get it right.


Mainly because the shops haven't been able to flog them to any of us for the past 6 months. No, I'm only joking.


For several years, designers have been trying to outdo each other in their efforts to make jeans more and more unwearable. First came low rise jeans, which accentuate rolls of gaping flesh on anyone who doesn't eat through a straw. Then came even lower rise jeans, which basically fall down if you attempt to do anything silly, such as move. Then came the return of drainpipe jeans, which look ridiculous on everybody apart from 16 year old girls who have the physique of Keith Richards circa 1972. I'm glad to report the prevailing trend continues, and the ultimate jean for the season is the ultra low rise WHITE drainpipe jean, which can be worn by absolutely nobody. A fashion triumph!


For many years, grandmothers have been saying "navy blue and white looks very smart in spring". At last they are proved right.


Because the world's most beautiful and stylish and clever woman Sienna Miller is to star in an Edie Sedgwick bio-pic. I think you may have to be really really thin and have great legs to carry this look off, which is a refreshing change.


Older readers (and self) will recall the stiff-legged gait of teenaged girls in the mid-1970's caused by this sort of footwear. One of my cousins ended up with permanent back problems caused by falling off some wedge shoes and down a flight of stairs at Cannock Technical College. They're back!


It's still okay to wear those shit catcher trousers (oh what a lovely term that is!). Nothing looks better that a skinny young bloke waddling around with shapeless beltless jeans which have a waistband somewhere just beneath the buttocks and a crotch just above the knee. Best of all is the exposure of about three feet of saggy, grimy underpants which haven't been changed for several consecutive days. What's so great about it is that it puts me off eating and I really have to be thin if I'm going to look elegant, don't I?

Remember, fashion is all about fun!!!

Are you sure that rolls of fat aren't in this season? Everyone's wearing them round our way..
Myself and Mrs Triffid are very much enjoying the Matalan ads featuring that Mel off of Des And Mel. They are easily the worst ads ever - and make the DFS ads seem like The Bicycle Thieves in comparison.
Wot about the double-denim? Is that back yet?
We need advice on these matters.....
The pre-civilisation look will be in this summer.

Many wode-and-loincloth combos are to be rocked.
You know you're old when clothes you used to own come back 'in'. Unfortunately, I have no foresight at all and so most of this season's 'must-haves' have been long consigned to the charity shop. The Matalan ads with Mel 'Psycho' Sykes are frightening. It's like her cold dead stare is trying to plant messages in your brain to tell you to go to a shop where everything (including crockery) is 75% polyester.
Kellycat - "ironic" rolls of fat might be making a comeback in the autumn/winter collections. Hang in there.

Wyndham - Ah, the DFS adverts have really suffered from a lack of Tom and Jilly. All those nice 20-something couples and giant dogs draped over leather sofas don't really inspire me to pop down there on a damp bank holiday Monday the way that Tom and his testosterone-fuelled voice did.

Doppelganger, whoever you are - brushed denim, not double denim, is going to be hot on the catwalks for autumn/winter. Hang in there.

Russ L - too true, but, being a bit on the "mature" side I won't be going for the full-on pre-civilisation look. A light dusting of wode over the eyelids will give a fresh look for spring and will really add a sparkle to my eyes, hopefully.

Lost Boy - I suppose Melanie Sykes has been chosen for those ads because she is someone ordinary women can aspire to. I mean, who wouldn't want to end up presenting an afternoon tv programme with a luminous orange bloke who is old enough to be your grandad? I hope she doesn't become the 8th Mrs O'Connor. That would make me feel ill.
Am I the only person who thinks Ron Mael looks scarier now, with his pencil-thin-David-Niven-on-crack tache, than he did in his comedy Hitler days?
As a petite person .. or ´shortarse´ to my friends, I have always aspired to the killer wedges. However, health and safety determines that my shoe collection consists of 15 pairs of Doc Martins in every shade from black to brown.
Now you are a fashion guru, please tell me whether these will see me through the season without ridicule.
I saw the Mael brothers sitting on a sofa a year or so back. Ron was actually smiling, which was very unsettling - I was kind of expecting him to give me that

*Ron Mael look*

and I'd go: aaaaaargh!

Showbusiness, aye?
Oh Betty, you've given me my first laugh of the day. Love your description of the shitcatcher jeans. How could something so wrong become a fashion norm around the world?

The last time I took the kids to the water park I saw a teenager wearing shitcatcher swimming trunks. No word of a lie. Skanky underwear (wet and practically see through) with a pair of swimming trunks hanging off just below the buttocks. Unfortnately, my daughter and I were climbing the stairs to the slide, right behind this guy. We had a real 'girl bonding' moment over that. Much childish giggling and eyebrow waggling ensued. (which is ok for her because she's only 7 but I have no excuse except I'm childish!)
Can I also add:


Tim - Ron is certainly starting to look like someone whose corpse is on display in the Chapel Of Rest.

I recently saw Sparks on GMTV - halfway through the interview the studio lights failed and everything/everbody turned various shades of purple. For Sparks, it was actually an improvement.

Kaz - I should imagine 15 pairs of Doc Martens would see you through several seasons. Anyway, you're more likely to be an object of ridicule if you fall over wearing a pair of wedge heels (I know I did when I was 12 ...)

Wyndham - were the Mael brothers sitting on a sofa in DFS? I'm getting confused. Anyway, I doubt that anybody makes eye contact with Ron, even his mum, Mrs Mael.

Kyahgirl - I suppose those trousers are an attempt by the young generation to provoke older people into saying "oh my God, have you ever seen anything like it!", in time honoured fashion. Problem is, you get blokes in their 30's wearing them which takes it all to a different level of ridiculousness.

Kellycat - there seemed to be a trend for wearing dungarees with the bib down for a bit around here, but it doesn't seem to have taken off. They're best left to children's tv presenters and blokes on tractors.
A Matalan in Crewe would bring this town upmarket. The chavs can stay in Allsports while I take sly glances at pictures of that pert young Melanie as I make my annual purchase of Easy jeans and pack of 5 XXL T shirts in various shades blue. Take it from me, no holiday suitcase dilemma here. Get yourselves down to Crayford pronto.

Bugger this verification mullarkey.
And just who, sweet thing, is Melanie? ('Tis ok, I'm addressing the person above me - he shares my bed and has jeans reminiscent of those you described... crotch about 6 inches below balls so not quite at the knee).
Morning, campers.

Richard - the Crayford branch of Matalan has now closed and a new, larger one has opened near Dartford.

We only went there once and the husband tried to park the car at the same time as a massive 4WD was getting into the space next to us. Not sure what happened but the big menacing driver got out and spoke to his short, menacing wife about us:

"They might look nice, but they park like pigs"

His wife said "eh?"

"I said, they might look nice but they park like ANIMALS".

We didn't want to get killed, so we just smiled and ignored it, being lower middle class jessies.

Sharon - the pert young Melanie is here: http://www.geocities.com/handsandhips/samples/bigs/MelanieSykes01.jpg

She is Des O'Connor's television wife. Ugh!
She knows who she is, Betty, I fear I am just being deliberately riled. My jeans only do that because the padded bits of my arse seem to have spiralled upwards to where my youthful sixpack used to be. They are an otherwise standard fit on a non-standard body.

I am in awe of Des and will brook no criticism of him.

I'm not surprised Matalan has moved, Betty, it was the hottest place on earth. I am a peacable man by nature but had I encountered that driver I would have watched him intently and then scuttled back while he was in Pets at Home buying guinea pigs with which to feed his rottweilers and let two of his tyres down.
Thank you too for that picture of Melanie. What a tramp. (ctrl-p)
Oh, I think the driver would have realised who it was, then checked out where we live and thrown a bomb through the front window. He was big, shaven headed and menacing.

Melanie only posed in that photo for the money, which she desperately needed, poor girl.
Instead she had to make those dreadful adverts for that awful Belgian brewery.
For the girl that has everything - penicilin.
I think gentlemen to take up spats, a cane and a monical in the style of half a pair of mirror shades
Can I start wearing my Global Hypercolour T Shirt and bermuda shorts yet? I can't wait for the 90's to come around again. My greying and frayed Britpop waredrobe will make me quite the dandy round my way...
Gentleman - welcome.

I've always found that aspirin has stood me in good stead over the years, even if it's knackered my digestive system. Still, I'm not the girl with everything, or, even, a girl.

I'm all in favour of men adopting a more formal style of dress. If only Noel Coward and Leonard Sachs were style icons for this season. Unfortunately, they're not. Besides, customising a pair of Foster Grant sunglasses might be triky.

Del - The Bermuda shorts may have to wait a month or two, as the unseasonally cold weather continues.

It looks as if the posh looking one out of Mansun is going to be a style icon for the 2007 autumn/winter season, so hang in there. Bear in mind that everyone who is everyone is trying to look like the drummer out of Shed Seven at the moment though.
but what about tie-neck blouses? where are the tie-neck blouses?

ron mael is sexy.
Surly - I saw Colleen McLoughlin wearing one at some fashion award ceremony on the telly and her excuse was "I always like to try summpn different, y'knowwarrimean?" bless her.

They are the sort of thing the older woman in the office wears. You know, the one that all the younger girls in the office talk about, saying "she ought to retire really, she's 67 but I suppose she's not married so there's nothing for her to retire for, is there?"
That bloody Jeremy Clarkson has been copying me for years now.

I'm attending an album launch party tonight so I expect there will be some funky groovy people there wearing clothes and probably even shoes.
There was no picture of Melanie at that URL. In fact, there was nothing at all at that URL. Now I feel as though I've missed out on something important. Bugger!
Oh, she's definitely there on my screen, unfortunately. It was only a picture from Google images anyway.
Oh, she is most definitely there, I've just checked again.
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