Saturday, February 25, 2006
SQUIRREL UNIFORM
I really don't care that much about what I post, and just fling out any old rubbish with little forethought. I'm glad I'm not one of those bloggers who sits there worrying about whether or not people like me and whether or not what I write is crap (which it IS of course).
Therefore, a post I thought of about 4 minutes ago, and which is completely uninspired.
THE WORST THINGS IN THE WORLD, "AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME" (as Glen Hoddle is often fond of saying)
1. The telly advert for Branston beans.
A tin of beans with an annoying speech impediment dances round to an approximation of Hot Chocolate's You Sexy Thing while a woman eating lunch looks on with a winsome smile, as if his antics are adorable. God, you're easily amused darlin'. Anyway, the tin of beans is a right little c*nt, especially when he starts licking his lips in a way that borders on the obscene. According to the re-written lyrics of the song Branston has reached its pinnacle.
Off to the scrap metal yard to be crushed down to the size of a ball bearing for YOU mate.
2. Tyrone Dobbs off of Coronation Street.
Slack jawed. Hirsute. Barely evolved from the lower apes. Dropped onions on the floor of his fast food van and then put them into a deep fat fryer. Possibly the least sexually desirable human being on the planet.
3. The baby ahead of me in the queue in Sainsbury's this morning.
I know that I don't have any maternal instinct, unlike 99.9999999999994% of women (indeed, the internet seems depressingly full of women bloggers who think that toddlers and pictures of toddlers are absolutely heavenly). Anyone who has read anything I've written here before will realise that I'm a coldhearted witch but COME ON. There really are few things worse than a screeching rugrat in a supermarket. This one was particularly pink faced and ugly, resembling the actor Phil Davis. So did its mother. It kept going WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH and grew progressively redder and redder.
I moved to another queue.
4. R.I.P. Little Dog's Day, which is to be deleted within the next month. Meanwhile, unreadable cack like this flourishes everywhere.
5. THE TERRIFYING TRUTH ABOUT TRANS FATS, THE HIDDEN KILLER IN YOUR INNOCENT LOOKING BISCUIT OR KEBAB .
6. THE TERRIFYING TRUTH ABOUT BIRD 'FLU AND HOW WE ARE UNPREPARED TO FACE IT AND MILLIONS OF OUR WAR HERO ELDERLY AND INNOCENT DARLING CHILDREN WILL DIE. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WILL SURVIVE ARE DAVID CAMERON AND VERNON KAY.
* * * * *
Enjoy your Sunday roast tomorrow.
Therefore, a post I thought of about 4 minutes ago, and which is completely uninspired.
THE WORST THINGS IN THE WORLD, "AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME" (as Glen Hoddle is often fond of saying)
1. The telly advert for Branston beans.
A tin of beans with an annoying speech impediment dances round to an approximation of Hot Chocolate's You Sexy Thing while a woman eating lunch looks on with a winsome smile, as if his antics are adorable. God, you're easily amused darlin'. Anyway, the tin of beans is a right little c*nt, especially when he starts licking his lips in a way that borders on the obscene. According to the re-written lyrics of the song Branston has reached its pinnacle.
Off to the scrap metal yard to be crushed down to the size of a ball bearing for YOU mate.
2. Tyrone Dobbs off of Coronation Street.
Slack jawed. Hirsute. Barely evolved from the lower apes. Dropped onions on the floor of his fast food van and then put them into a deep fat fryer. Possibly the least sexually desirable human being on the planet.
3. The baby ahead of me in the queue in Sainsbury's this morning.
I know that I don't have any maternal instinct, unlike 99.9999999999994% of women (indeed, the internet seems depressingly full of women bloggers who think that toddlers and pictures of toddlers are absolutely heavenly). Anyone who has read anything I've written here before will realise that I'm a coldhearted witch but COME ON. There really are few things worse than a screeching rugrat in a supermarket. This one was particularly pink faced and ugly, resembling the actor Phil Davis. So did its mother. It kept going WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH and grew progressively redder and redder.
I moved to another queue.
4. R.I.P. Little Dog's Day, which is to be deleted within the next month. Meanwhile, unreadable cack like this flourishes everywhere.
5. THE TERRIFYING TRUTH ABOUT TRANS FATS, THE HIDDEN KILLER IN YOUR INNOCENT LOOKING BISCUIT OR KEBAB .
6. THE TERRIFYING TRUTH ABOUT BIRD 'FLU AND HOW WE ARE UNPREPARED TO FACE IT AND MILLIONS OF OUR WAR HERO ELDERLY AND INNOCENT DARLING CHILDREN WILL DIE. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WILL SURVIVE ARE DAVID CAMERON AND VERNON KAY.
* * * * *
Enjoy your Sunday roast tomorrow.
Comments:
Well .. thank God Tyrone won't survive. Don't give a shit about them - just worried for my ducks!
KAZ
KAZ
Isn't there supposed to be another cull of actors on Coronation Street because there's a new producer? A pity that Tyrone won't be killed off (or should the term be "put down"?).
# posted by 
: 7:41 pm
: 7:41 pm
Amen to number 3!! And it's not just supermarkets, its on trains and buses, in restaurants and in the cinema.
In fact, in public in general. Damnit why is it illegal to staple their gobs shut?!
In fact, in public in general. Damnit why is it illegal to staple their gobs shut?!
I don't have any maternal instinct either. Nor does my lovely fellow-spinster flatmate. You're in good company.
even as a mother myself i HATE other people's kids. vile, snotty, badly-behaved little bastards. uurgh.
oh, and betty? as long as you don't go getting any grand ideas about deleting the utility room. the internet needs more bitter, vitriolic women. fact.
oh, and betty? as long as you don't go getting any grand ideas about deleting the utility room. the internet needs more bitter, vitriolic women. fact.
Fuckkit - the worst thing is when one child starts wailing, then another one, until there is a chorus of screaming brats (it seems to happen a lot on planes).
Spinsterella - oh, but you'll regret not having children when you're old. Or so I've been told. Perhaps the idea is that at least you'll have someone to visit you once in a blue moon in the sheltered housing?
Surly Girl - cheers. I haven't thought about deleting the blog, but I'm sure it'll collapse and die, alone and neglected, just like I will in about 3 years' time.
Spinsterella - oh, but you'll regret not having children when you're old. Or so I've been told. Perhaps the idea is that at least you'll have someone to visit you once in a blue moon in the sheltered housing?
Surly Girl - cheers. I haven't thought about deleting the blog, but I'm sure it'll collapse and die, alone and neglected, just like I will in about 3 years' time.
No maternal instinct here either. Maybe you and Spin and Spin's flatmate and I should form a subversive secret society.
That alliteration was unintentional, by the way.
That alliteration was unintentional, by the way.
I like the blog with the 'at home' feel. Don't even consider changing a thing.
Like surly, I'm a mother too but I can't stand listening to other kids caterwauling. Well, I even can't stand it when my own kids whine and scream. Luckily they never do it in stores.
Like surly, I'm a mother too but I can't stand listening to other kids caterwauling. Well, I even can't stand it when my own kids whine and scream. Luckily they never do it in stores.
# posted by : 4:21 am
: 4:21 am
Top post Bettster. Just one point that I think may need further consideration. You girls might just be wrong on Tyrone there - after all, he does get to shag the beautiful Maria.
Saucy beans! Saucy beans! I am now on my twentieth widescreen TV of the week, having kicked in the previous 19 every time that 'SAUCY BEANS' advert comes on.
Patroclus - there are quite a few of us out there. Still, always useful to know of more. It provides useful ammunition when having those conversations which include the words "when am I going to be a grandmother?", "yes, but wanting children is just normal for MOST women", etc.
Kyahgirl - the "at home" feel ... I think you can tell that I'm one of those women who doesn't clean the skirting boards often enough.
Tom 909 - that's the thing, you could never imagine that in real life a bloke like Tyrone would even remotely be in with a chance with someone who looks like Maria, unless he owned a chain of car showrooms (unlikely)or was the bass player in a band whose single went into the charts at number 34 (slightly more likely).
Lost Boy - thank God for that, I thought I was the only one to take offence to the Branston ad.
Kyahgirl - the "at home" feel ... I think you can tell that I'm one of those women who doesn't clean the skirting boards often enough.
Tom 909 - that's the thing, you could never imagine that in real life a bloke like Tyrone would even remotely be in with a chance with someone who looks like Maria, unless he owned a chain of car showrooms (unlikely)or was the bass player in a band whose single went into the charts at number 34 (slightly more likely).
Lost Boy - thank God for that, I thought I was the only one to take offence to the Branston ad.
Tell you what. We’ll do a cultural exchange. We’ll swap you the dancing tin of beans for the Canadian Tire Guy. Voted the “Most Annoying Canadian” this smug middle-aged Yuppie handyman takes pleasure demonstrating his superior knowledge of tools and gadgets to his inferior neighbours. And the missus can’t hide from him either. She spills a tin of coffee beans on the kitchen floor and he’s there with the Shop-Vac to show her how to clean up the mess. He then runs around the house vacuuming every room to demonstrate its amazing suction power. I believe the word you use over there is “git.”
MJ - strange how the television is populated by really annoying people. In fact, everyone you speak to finds them annoying, yet they prosper in spite of it.
Anyway, I'd hate to think that the tin of beans is going to be as ubiqitous as Tire Man. Tell you what, the swap's a deal provided we can throw in Chico. I won't explain who he is, but suffice to say he is currently advising us not to "take life too serious".
Anyway, I'd hate to think that the tin of beans is going to be as ubiqitous as Tire Man. Tell you what, the swap's a deal provided we can throw in Chico. I won't explain who he is, but suffice to say he is currently advising us not to "take life too serious".
Vicus, I've been annoying people in the blog world for nearly two years now, but unlike the bloke who invented the dancing tin of beans I've not found a way of making money from it yet. Perhaps I should try harder ...
That's what we like - vaguely coherent posts tied together with a common thread of vitriol and misanthropy. Keep on chucking out rubbish like this...
Ben - I like the "vaguely coherent" description but am a bit concerned about the use of the word vitriol everywhere. I'm starting to think I must be turning into Lynda Lee Potter.
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