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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE 

I see that the Notorious B.I.G. (also known as Biggie Smalls) has reached number one in the hit parade despite not being alive. The song is some sort of sexist claptrap in which he is accompanied by "PIE" Diddy, the very shortsighted former boyfriend of Jennifer "Trini" Lopez.

With reference to the Notorious B.I.G., I know it is wrong to speak ill of the dead but, face it, the big sweaty oaf appeared to have a terrible adenoid problem. Couldn't he have had an operation? I bet he was one of those people who had the awful habit of breathing noisily through their mouth while being permanently slack-jawed. I would also hazard a guess that his snoring sounded like a wounded water buffalo (see illustration) submerged in a vat of hot mud. To be honest, I think his killer was an irate neighbour who was awoken by this terrible racket night after night and COULDN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.

Oh yes, where was I?

Comments:
Not a fan then, Betty?
 
Who are all these people?

NONO, don't tell me. There's some things you just don't miss..
 
I dunno, I just fancied venting my spleen, and no one understanding what I'm talking about (as usual).
 
i know what you're talking about.

and you'd think once a person was dead they'd at least have the decency to lie down and shut up, instead of constantly releasing more songs from beyond the grave. i mean, cliff richard's been dead for years and you never hear from him any more, do you?
 
I'm still getting over that spate of posthumous Jim Reeves number ones we had to endure in the sixties. Scarred me for life.
 
Surly - thing is, Cliff is in heaven, whereas Biggie went to the other place. All that fire and brimstone keeps you on your toes, which is why he's always putting out new music.

Mark - oh blimey, that one that goes "so Mary marry me, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" was a bit spooky, as was that Jimi Hendrix one that they released after he died - "I've had enough of this world ... I'll meet you in the next one, and don't be late" or words to that effect.
 
Dear Big Biscuit

You can make fun of Cliff all you like, but if I ever suspect you of having a larf at Jimi Hendrix's expense I'll come over all affronted Muslim and banish you, in my capacity as PM, from Caroline's big dream queendom in the sky.

Which, come to think of it, sounds like the sort of lyric Jimi Hendrix might have written.

Oh all right. You have a point. But he HAD taken a lot of drugs when he wrote that stuff. Somebody has to do that sort of thing, you know, so the rest of us can stay sane and live to a ripe old age in a lovely nursing home in Caroline's Big Dream Queendom in the Sky.

I'll shut up now. I stopped making sense about 500 words back.

ughgqirl. A definition too obvious to spell out here, just in case I offend anyone. Some people are even more touchy than the mullahs.

I haven't stopped, have I?

I have now.
 
No, it's in the lyrics to Voodoo Chile (Slight Return) because I've just checked, and I got it half wrong - "if I don't meet you no more in this world then I'll meet you in the next one, don't be late". Now if he was to come back to the other side to do a tour, I might consider going to see him ...
 
Kurt Cobain's 'I hate myself and I want to die' was particularly cheering.

One to whistle along to in the shower.
 
Can anyone just come on here and write any old rubbish - what a larf!
 
Sorry, how rude of me. What I really meant to say was how sad it is that some of our greatest musicians don't acheive recognition until they die. The thing is I won't acheive it even when I die, so what's their problem.
 
I'll buy a posthumous Cliff record.

Tom, don't put yourself down, music will benefit from your passing - I know, I've planned the funeral.

The saddest thing of all is that I never got to shag Janis Joplin. I wonder what noise she would have made at the point of orgasm? Or any other woman, come to that.
 
B...bb....bay
B...bb....bay
B...bb....bay
B...bb....bay

Like a stuck record.

Or is that Robert Plant? - ooh me lemons.
 
Garfer - I wonder if Kurt Kobain used to whistle his songs in the shower? Mind you, I don't think he used to shower very often.

Tom £9.99 - well, I write any old rubbish so it's only fair that people respond with any old rubbish in the comments section.

Vicus - Geoff is right, it was like her singing but louder. The same is true of Cilla Black. Robert Plant just breaks wind, turns over and goes to sleep.
 
Vicus - I imagine (hope?) that it would have been something like the looooong scream with which Ball and Chain climaxes. So to speak.

Sigh. Maybe in the next life...
 
is it me, or have the comments taken a turn for the sinister?

terry nutkins is a bit of a screamer, fyi.
 
Oh aye, but you know what they say about bald men.
 
They scream like babies.
 
... is Blogger working?
 
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