Tuesday, January 24, 2006


I think I am going to be mentioning blogging awards a bit this week, so anyone who isn't a blogger is going to be even more bored than usual. Sorry.

It must be such a privilege to judge all those blogs up for awards - pages and pages of purple prose from all those eager folks angling for a publishing contract pouring their hearts out for us.
Of course, none of this goes on at the arse end of blogging, where those of us who type out a load of ill-conceived rubbish attract hardly any viewers and lots of people doing Google searches for Claire Nazir (incorrect spelling - my greatest blogging triumph is to have at one point been the number one Google search for Claire Nasir spelt Claire Nazir, so I am going to have to keep mentioning her every so often). Who, though is going to represent us - the crap bloggers?

I think there should be a crap blogging awards. If blogging is a great democracy, why should all the Coldplays keep on getting the awards? Besides, what is all this pro-blogging nonsense? Blogging in its purest form is written by nobodies, FOR nobodies.

So I'm going to put forward a few blogs for nomination for this year's Crappies (Crap Blogging Awards). Perhaps it will inspire other people to think of blogs which have bored them.

LIVING WITH HALITOSIS - The daily diary of 36 year old Timothy from Chipping Norton. People give him a wide berth but he refuses to give in. Details his frequent visits to the dentist, homeopathic remedies, purchase of a tongue scraper etc.

I'M A GLOATING GRAN! - Happy, contented, smug Barbara, aged 57, has taken early retirement along with her husband, has a big fuck-off house, four cars in the drive, is always jetting off to their holiday home in the Algarve, and most importantly of all, has FOUR BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILDREN. She posts up endless pictures of them on a daily basis, to which broody women respond by leaving comments along the lines of "ooooh, he is WAY cuuuute!!"

KYLE'S WORLD - Diary of a teenager from Connecticut. Hey, he has to, like, do his homework by, like, the day after tomorrow?? and it is like a *total* bummer and he is having girl trouble but, y'know, he is going to hang with his friends in town tonight so that should be okay??

WHOSE WHO - The world's most exhaustive Doctor Who site! No, really! Join in the 60 page discussion on the forum about who was the most fanciable Doctor's assistant!

MAUREEN'S OBVIOUS BLOG - Nah, only joking.

BETTY'S UTILITY ROOM - Occasional, erratic, plodding posts from past-it, jaded, bitter housewife who never sees the good in anything or anybody. Stop WHINING you old hag.

Embrace life, embrace crap. There is a lot of it out there after all. Keep clicking on that Next Blog thing in the top right hand corner of the page if you don't believe me.

I kept getting Google referrals for people looking for pictures of Sarah Beeney Naked.

And I'm all up for "The Crappies".
Yay for Crap Blogs ... about time they awarded us for keeping up the sport ...
absolutely. who wants thousands of visitors a day anyway? they'd distract from my carefully crafted attempts to break into chick lit.

glad i'm not the only bitter person who can't bear people once they've mentioned (and they can't not mention it, oh no) that they're after a publishing heal and who forever after inflict exercises in creative writing on an increasingly disinterested readership.

or even "deal". i could have deleted the comment but i couldn't be arsed to write it out again.
who in tarnation is claire nazir?

thing is, i know that if i google her i'm going to get YOU and then i'm back to square one

the crappies: bring them on, i say (can one self-nominate? after all, all one wants to be able to say is: welcome to my AWARD-WINNING blog blah blah blah)
The dilemma is, if one were to win a crappy, does that mean that one's blog is no longer crap?
MB - I very rarely get Google searches for any kind of mucky nonsense, which must say something about the stuffy, old womanish tone of this blog.

Donna - well, if there are 85,000 blogs created every week it seems there will soon be a great avalanche of cybercrap. Our day will come!

Surly Girl - I don't read any of the hugely visited blogs. I wouldn't really know what they are anyway, here in my sleepy cul-de-sac. Perhaps I'm only interested in shallow stuff and wouldn't really understand them.

Urban Chick - aah, Claire Nasir is the shorter of the two weathergirls on GMTV. She once carried on a forecast live after being engulfed by an enormous wave at Scarborough. Even if you don't win an award, why not make one up? I think I may go away and put a few on the side bar ... "2003 Montreaux Golden Rose For Blogging Nominee" etc.

Vicus - I should imagine that a Crappy would enhance a blog's general crappiness even more.
After my bra discussions I now get everyone searching for "34DD". And Ben Ando obviously.

Can we have the various crap blog categories please Betty?
Yeah... you gotta roll with this now you've unleashed it.....
Will the glittering awards ceremony be held in the Bear and Old Ragged Staff in Crayford? And who'll be doing the catering?
Bagsy I do the music!
Ohh NEVER click on that. Mistake. Huge.

If I ruled the world then you would be in the blogging awards. You make me laugh and laugh.

I'm up there because only 36 people live here and only 1 of them (my good self, she Uriahed) blogs....
Kellycat, I may have a job on my hands sorting out the different categories - "Crappiest Welsh Language Blog", "Most Tedious Indie Band Review Site" "Most Unintelligible Teccy Blog", and so on.

Patroclus - of course it will be held at the Bear And Old Ragged Staff, with outside catering from the great Harvey. In which case, Psychbloke, even though you would probably be more than capable of providing musical accompaniment there will be one of their dreary Thursday night live bands (usually called something like Illusions or

Caroline's very good blog is up for an award this week - it seems to be one of only two that I actually read among the finalists, so that shows how out of touch with things I am.

This blog would never win an award. It is like Digbeth coach station in Birmingham, a complete eyesore and best avoided at nighttime unless absolutely necessary.
Oh shut-up you silly old mare - you're a lot funnier than me.

In terms of being 'in touch' I seriously had no idea. We can form a Sad Person's circle and hug. Or not.

My personal preference would be to sidle around the room - always touching the walls - and eye the other folk as if Nazi War Criminals. Works for me.

Just move somewhere where only a couple of people live to be a 'Bloggie Finalist!!!!!!'

So help me! I can't work out careerwise whether
a) I should keep well away from the Crappy awards to preserve my rather fragile cred.
b) I should nominate my blog for 'best newcomer' and then, to acheive maximum publicity, not turn up for the awards ceremony.
or c) Embrace the whole idea and become a fully paid up member of the happy family of bloggers.
Caroline - the sidling around the room/touching the walls/viewing everyone as Nazi war criminals is the approach I use in my dentist's waiting room ...

Tom - it depends whether you want to pursue blogging ruthlessly as a career. If so, then (b) would be a good move. You might want to up the ante by faking your own disappearance and possible death, then re-appearing a month or so later.
it's all such a faff tho, isn't it. i think i'll just carry one being quietly crap.
i meant "carry on", not that i'll be doing long division, or anything.
I suppose it would be unsporting to say that this is one of the top funniest blogs that I'm aware of?
All Hail The Crappy Bloggers!!!
Betty, I've tried to find those blogs you've used as examples but can't seem to see them anywhere. Could you provide urls, please? Thank you.
Betty, everyone else I know has been given a new job by we (isn't that how the royals use it?)Luckily yours remains the same.
Yes, er, all hail crap.

I doubt if this is one of the top anythingest blogs, Patroclus.

Certainly, Wyndham:


I hope this has helped.

Caroline - do I get a pay rise, or have I just been moved sideways?
That's odd. I tried those urls and they don't seem to load - with the exception of whosewho, which seems to be written in Chinese - I didn't know you could read Mandarin - and kylesworld, who made his one and only post in 2003. Oh well, never mind, a less-naive person would almost suspect you made those excerpts up.
BOOM, Kyle.

It's good enough for me, too.
No glass ceiling in my world.
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