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Saturday, December 24, 2005

KILL THE LITTLE BABIES 

A final post as we count down to feeling like death warmed up for the next week or so.

Christmas manages to combine some of my least favourite things - family gatherings, spending money on other people, being stuck in shop queues, children and Bailey's Cream. So I won't be entering into the spirit of the season.

Instead, here is a list of rather obvious things.

IF KING HEROD HAD KILLED THIS LOT AT BIRTH, THE WORLD WOULD BE MORE TOLERABLE:

Jono Coleman - I would say that he has a face like a squashed pig and all the personality of a its entrails, but then again pigs are quite endearing creatures.
Chris Moyles - another big, sweaty cunt who loves the sound of his own voice.
The Black Eyed Peas - even if the singer has an incontinence problem.
Kate Thornton
Jessica Simpson and any other simpering anorexic with straightened blonde hair who simpers on about how they see no boundaries to what they can achieve career wise. Fuck off.
Tom Cruise - creepy. Slimey. Sinister.
Noel Edmonds - NOOOOOOO. GO AWAY AGAIN, FUCK RIGHT OFF OUT OF IT.
Westlife - the musical equivalent of the careers teacher who advised you when you were 15 that selling industrial air conditioning units would be an exciting job opportunity.
All self-righteous middle class mothers
The editor of Heat magazine
Jim Davidson
Carole Malone
Tony Parsons
Amanda Platel
Chris Evans
Anne Atkins
Allison Pearson
Nick Ferrari
Jeremy Clarkson

Anway, to everyone else, including all my lovely lovely readers, have a happy and peaceful Christmas and may all your dreams come true xxx

Comments:
Please miss! Please miss!
Janet Street-Porter
Francis Wheen
Anne Robinson
Chris Evans
Joan F Collins
Michael Winner

Would you like to record my Christmas answering machine message? you seem to have the right outlook.

auubegcf - drunken invitation to not bother me with your seasonal cheer
 
can I add

Jimmy Carr
Paul Daniels
The Daily Mail

Have a great Christmas may you always know where the alka setzler is.

Jane
 
Can I add

Ainsley Harriot (prancing tit).
James Blunt.
Coldplay.
Dido.
George Galloway.

Have a happy Christmas.
 
Great to see that everyone is imbued with the goodwill of the season.

Jane and Garfer - have a happy Christmas. I would say the same to Vicus but I should imagine his way of getting into the festive spirit will involve having an extra spoonful of gruel for lunch tomorrow.
 
Betty, may I just wish you and Geoff a Merry Christmas. And while we're at it:

Bono
Vin Diesel
Katie Melua
Robbie Williams
Joe Pasquale
Ruth Kelly
Kelly Osbourne
People who drive yellow cars
 
I can't believe I neglected to mention Bono.

Merry Christmas (again) Wyndham. Time to get stuck into the Advocaat and methylated spirit cocktails now I think.
 
Disgraceful! Outrageous! Shameful!

I’ll have you know there are THREE Ls in ‘Platell’, not two.

What do they teach them at Walsall Remedial Academy?

May you survive Festive Hell and rise up with wings as an eagle ect.
 
Dear me, it didn't look like that in the preview window.
 
May I Defend Kate Thornton?

It's not her. It's her dress designer.
 
Dear Tostie,

Congratulations for noticing my special Christmas "Spot The Delibarate Mistake" competition. The real spelling is indeed Amanda Platelet! The prize is a large jar of pickled silverskin onions - just the thing to accompany a post-Christmas slice of pork pie!

Oh, and by the way, I wouldn't attempt to use italics on this site (the template was designed by Wilf Lunn in 1971)

Mark - No no no, it's not just her dress designer, it's the huge air hangar sized space between her ears.
 
Oh. I forgot that. Thanks for getting me back on the straight and narrow.
 
I would just like to make sure that no-one puts that nice Rupert Murdoch on these lists. Since my purchase of a Sky+ box some time ago, thereby aiding the villainous fascist to add some more money to his already overgorged account, I have been able to record all television programs and skip all advertisements. With the coming of the internet, I never buy newspapers.
Therefore I do not know who most of the people vilified here.
Nick Ferrari? Allison Pearson? James Blunt? Dido? Kate Thornton? Wouldn't recognise them if they were to turn up on my doorstep singing carols.
I guess this leads to the conclusion that not everyone is all bad, and we should show a little tolerance.
No, bollocks to that.

eioxx - censored version of 'Old McDonald' in which the noises of the animals are those made during sexual activity.
 
I like Vin Diesel. A lot. Sorry.
 
not only the air hangar-sized space between her ears but also her scriptwriter ('well, andy, you may be a binman, but you're certainly not rubbish', said in all seriousness to x factor loser Andy The Binman)

unless, of course, she wrote the words herself (always a possibility, i s'pose)

gawd bless ya, kate (now get back to subbing on smash hits or whatever it was you used to do)
 
I would've given a brief description of all the people who Vicus mentioned but I'm still in a post-Christmas food and drink induced state. Anyway, they're not worth contemplating.

Helen - It was Wyndham who mentioned Vin Diesel. I'm not familiar with his erm "body of work", so I can't comment either way.

I wonder where Kate Thornton will be in 10 years time? The world is most definitely her oyster ...
 
I wasn't party to the autocue, but I'm willing to bet that 'you may be a binman, but you're certainly not rubbish' was an adlib. Of the exact sort that has scriptwriters burying their heads in their hands and wishing they were somewhere else, preferably working through the cocktail list.

Presenters, eh? Give 'em too much rope and they think they're running the show.
 
You will love www.tomcruiseisnuts.com
Any asswipe that had insisted I be quiet while giving birth would have gotten his head torn off--period! I was not quiet, I was an absolute monster, and Tom Cruise would have been a dead man!

Ashley Simpson is somewhat worse than Jessica, especially since now she has dyed her hair blond.

Can we please kill Lindsay Lohan? Soon?

I might let Britney Spears live if she kills Kevin Federline.

Why isn't Varg Vikernes dead yet? Why has no-one choked him to death with a Lutefisk? Damn racist moron, still spouting his claptrap from behind prison walls--and scary enough, there's an audience for this shit!

And these are a few of my favorite thoughts!

Surprisingly evil for a person who preaches peace...
But then again, some things will drive even a saint (not that I'm a saint!) to murder!
 
Marvellous. Hope you had a great Christmas. This has filled me with good cheer considering it's the night before i return to work. Sniff.
 
Many thanks Del. Time to put the festive season behind us it seems but I's still stuck with post-Christmas lethargy ...
 
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