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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

DEEP THROAT 

This being the season of standing for hours on end in supermarket and Post Office queues behind reams of people with the sort of aggressive infections normally only found in the pages of a 19th century Russian novel, I am at the moment feeling a bit poorly.

I have one of my winterly sore throats. This means that I wake up in the small hours feeling as though there are several daggers stuck through my throat. I am like a human version of Kerr-plunk, the game the whole family can play.

If I get worse, there is of course a blogging contingency plan. It will be rather like all the radio stations when a member of the royal family dies. How well I remember driving home from a weekend stay with friends in Bedfordshire on the morning that Princess Diana's death was announced. Everywhere along the radio dial you heard the theme music from Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence or Song For Guy by Lord Elton of Watfordshire ... apart from one pirate station obliviously playing speed garage. God it made my blood boil.

Anyway, that was going off at a tangent.

Should I be really ill, I will publish a series of posts that I wrote earlier. They are nice, bland and play to the gallery and should ensure that my stats go up. They include:

* a post about how shop assistants these days are SO RUDE and good manners don't cost anything.

* a tirade against all the woolly liberal, terrorist-appeasing scum who are trying to re-name Christmas "the holiday season" - hah! Not only has Christmas been BANNED from every school in the free world, thus depriving OUR children of ANY enjoyment at this time of year, but loony lefty councils won't even put up CHRISTMAS LIGHTS in our town centres!!!!!

* some pictures of me looking windswept and pink faced from a Med holiday.

* some RILLY CUTE pictures of my nephew at his school nativity play at the last school in the free world which hasn't BANNED Christmas.

(... of course I don't really have a nephew, thank the heck. Not yet, anyway, and this could be my last niece/nephew-free Christmas. I should make the most of it).

I'm off now to make a smoothie consisting of a bottle of Night Nurse, a can of Red Bull, a Lemsip and a handful of Vitamin C tablets. I did this yesterday and listened to the Grateful Dead all day and night: the colours were amaaazing, etc.

Comments:
Have you thought of offering a service whereby you charge people for going through all the Christmas crap on their behalf so that they don't have to bother?
I find myself having a traditional christmas, vicariously through you. You get to suffer all the pain, I get to laugh at it. Thank you.
My christmas consists of going home, locking the doors, not buying any presents, not having anything special to eat, not visiting anyone (particularly parties of people), not invitiing anyone to visit, switching channels whenever someone uses the 'C' word, and logging in to my work computer to do some work on the 25th (but not every year, wouldn't want to make a tradition of it). Now, thanks to you and the wonders of the interweb, I can have a traditional christmas as well.
Joy to the world.
 
I remember hearing my dad effing and blinding about why he couldn't tune his radio in and enjoy his sunday morning lie in. I came up from the kitchen told him Diana was dead, he turned the radio off and went back to sleep.

I demand the pink faced pictures even if you're not ill.
 
hey try ginger and honey . it gives relief from sore throat
 
Vicus - oh, I'm sure there are plenty of other people who are suffering for/from Christmas far more than me, but they don't KNOW they're suffering, more's the pity. Anyway, now I've drunk the Night Nurse and Red Bull smoothie I'm oblivious to everything.

MB - I'm feeling a bit better today so the pictures of me looking annoyed while climbing up a steep road in 30 degrees of heat stay under wraps, fortunately. Anyway, this site is from the 1950's and is in black and white. It would be impossible to download pictures onto here.
 
Try adding a few shots of Benylin to that cocktail. It wont cure your sore throat, but you wont care.
 
Seems like there's an epidemic of the coughs and flus on all the UK blogs! so strange.
I hope you feel better soon (or at least the drugs help to alleviate the concern)
 
Garfer - I ran out of Benylin but thanks for reminding me.

Kyahgirl - I hope that it's not now possible to catch colds or 'flu through blogging. Is there some sort of firewall I can install to combat this?
 
Crikey Bunty! That was a jolly long reply from His Old Miserable Sodness (Croyden) wasn't it?

On another note I'm sorry that you don't have a 'real' nephew to watch in a nativity play - in the parts of dear old Blighty where it's not band - because it gives one a super excuse to cry hysterically. (Not about the play, just life's injustice and general depression etc. Jolly cathartic).

Now! You're ill? We've talked about this before - nothing that a cup of Bovril and some Class A drugs won't fix.

Yours, from the The Land of the Long White Bird ‘Flu:

Caroline.

Happy Christmas Betty. xx
 
Caroline - I will be watching The Sound Of Music for cathartic reasons as usual over Christmas, and will bleat uncontrollably when Julie Andrews sings "I go to the hills when my heart is lonely" and Christopher Plummer sings Edelweiss.

As for the cold remedy, I'm right out of Bovril but the medicinal smoothie is virtually a class A drug in itself.

A happy Christmas to you across the miles from the land of the scraggy, dun-coloured sparrow.
 
You make me laugh and laugh. Response to my comment made me bring in TOM to read it - as I guffawed helplessly.

He said: " You spell banned B.A.N.N.E.D."

(sub-text: MORON)

Can't win 'em all.

Have lovely time in sparrow-land.
 
I hope you weren't guffawing because of my admission that I cry while watching The Sound Of Music.

That was a heartfelt confession.

I didn't mention the spelling mistake because I'm always doing that sort of thing and, besides, it's Christmas.
 
Really??? Sound of Music?

Oh...k.

Who am I to talk about why one blubs? I weep virtually constantly - when I not screaming with laughter.

Nice to have a little chat down here - no one ever reads the last posts.

Yeah amd we all kno about my speling.
 
Well this is a time of year when something horrible usually happens involving family confrontations and I can be guaranteed to blub at some point. Still, I suppose it "gets it all out of your system" for another year.

I will probably be laughing too much as well due to content of alcohol in bloodstream.

... then on to the new year. Woopy doo.
 
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