Sunday, December 18, 2005


May I draw my reader's attention to a catalogue which will hopefully be dropping through their door or has already done so.

I should point out to you if you are hung over/still drunk that I didn't write "dropping her drawers" in the previous paragraph. This is not a follow up to my previous item about disastrous works Christmas parties.

The catalogue in question is by a company whose name rhymes with Lettermare (I wouldn't shamelessly plug them - you might think that I had a vested interest and as you know I violently oppose capitalism at every available opportunity).

I quite like flicking through catalogues with innovative new devices which save literally seconds of a busy housewife's time or reduce the suffering of the elderly (elasticated socks and chairs with recliners are standbys). This catalogue has the advantage of having an array of festive decorations, including some plastic icicles which can be attached to a window ledge and look like melted lard dripping down towards the floor.

My favourite product description encourages us to "recreate the days of the Wild West with this set of amusing rubber ducks".

However, the company has really pulled off a major coup because it has managed to get endorsements from Mr Softee Whip-haired queen of mid-afternoon telly, Gloria Hunniford (for a very small fee, I should imagine).

Gloria is pictured shampooing a carpet, pouring gravy over a roast, cleaning some Venetian blinds, filing her nails and placing a bottle of wine on a difficult to reach cupboard top (not that it would REALLY discourage her. It's sad and it's pathetic).

Her piece de resistance, however, is the back cover picture where she is scraping an icy car window while dressed like Julian Cope of the Teardrop Explodes circa Reward. An ice scraper and mitt in one! It would also be a useful weapon in gangland revenge attacks, but this is not mentioned in the catalogue for some reason.

Now, get back down to Argos, you.

An ice scraoer mitt! How wonderfully pointless. I want one.
Garfer - yes, just the one mitt. Completely pointless unless you have just the one hand. If you invested in two you could at least pretend you were a low budget Edward Scissorhands.
and to think my shitterware catalogue has been waiting, unread and unloved on my doorstep for THREE FUCKING WEEKS waiting for some hopeless, lank-haired, dead-eyed mong to shuffle up and collect it. i will retrieve it this evening and marvel at Glo's innovation and lavish hair.
Actually I already have an icescraper mitt. It was the VERY LAST PRESENT my estranged wife bought me.

Curiously, it works. My fingers no longer get cold on frosty mornings. Unless of course you're stupid and hold it at the wrong angle so the frosty stuff actually falls INTO the mitt, where your hand is.

Just thought a little practical experience might help this debate along, folks.
PS. I have not yet had occasion to deploy the icescraper mitt in a gangland attack, but I shall take your advice and keep it on the seat beside me next time I drive through Hackney.
What about the reindeer that shits maltesers?
Into Gloria's mouth.
Surly Girl - sadly Gloria's hair seems a lot more flat and neat than it was in its '80's heyday (mind, I could say the same about myself). She is wearing the same fixed smile in all the pictures that I wear at Christmas/birthday/family gatherings.

Mark - I would think that receiving a combined mitten/ice scraper as a present would be grounds for a separation in itself, even if it has proved useful.

Geoff - Gloria thought they were delicious. The poo-pooing reindeer is on page 13, opposite the Santa posing pouch and accompanying bodybuilder.
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