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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

BANAL 

Thank you for all your kind get well cards and the bouquet of flowers from someone in Lyme Regis.

I am still too feeble to leave my sick bed for anything other than a little light blogging. After typing up a few sentences I have to have a few blasts from the oxygen mask.

Instead, here is a post contributed by Polly Witterings, gossip columnist (ahem, sorry, Entertainment and Leisure Pursuit Consultant) for the Bexley XtRa (incorporating the Swanley Sewage Works Quarterly).

Cheers,
Betty

* * * * * * *

Hi! Polly Witterings here with a Christmas round up of all the exciting things that have been happening in the world of Entertainment, Leisure and Showbiz! What an incredible year it has been - particularly for me personally as I have been invited to all of the happening parties. A personal highlight for me was seeing the back of Tom Cruise's head in Leicester Square - he is even SHORTER in real life, folks!!!!

As it's Christmas though it's time to hand out my awards to all the faces that have been hot in this year's world of Entertainment, Leisure and Showbiz!!! Remember - it's all just light-hearted fun!

HUNKIEST GUY - Without a doubt it has to go to Brad Pitt yet again!
BIGGEST LOSER - Jude Law! How could he cheat on the gorgeous Sienna with that nanny! The girl had a face like a bull mastiff! Still, he and Sienna are back together. Hope he's learnt his lesson this time round!
MOST STYLISH LADY - Sienna Miller.
ARGH - EXTREME MAKE OVER NEEDED! AWARD - Round The World Yachtslady Ellen MacArthur - AGAIN!!! When WILL she grow her hair and wear some more girly clothes! We can see her with blonde and honey coloured hair extensions, in a sparkly pink shrug and one of the new puffball skirts. I'm so loving that look!!!
MOST AMAZING LADY - Madonna. She has written books, hung around with East London gangland killers, fallen off a horse, brought out her own range of wine and she STILL has a butt to die for despite being 87. Good on you, Madge!!

BEST GAY GUY - David Furnnish - Furrnish - Furnish??? Congratulations to him for finally getting Elton "Hissy Fits" John to settle down and place a ring on his finger!
BEST TELEVISION PROGRAMME - Desperate Housewives. For those of us who were suffering major withdrawal symptoms over Sex And The City - boo hoo! These middle aged ladies still looked great AND they can get into size 6 jeans! Good on you, girls!!!
MOST WEIRD TELEVISION PROGRAMME - Lost. What was it all about??? When will it ever end???
BEST POP STAR - A tie between Will Young who has yet again proved the doubters wrong, and our tip for the top in 2006, Shayne off the X-Factor. This guy has an amazing voice and will no doubt prove the doubters wrong!

CATCHPHRASE: "Am I bovvered?" We were all saying it up and down the country!! Catherine Tate is a very funny lady but most of us don't admit to liking her because, to be honest, she IS a bit on the hefty side! Keep off the canapes this Christmas, Catherine, and we might like you a bit more!!!
BEST WRITER - Wendy Holden, as ever. This lady knows what makes us tick!!!
BEST FILM - King Kong. Naomi Watts is a very talented star in the making and gorgeous looking to boot, although a little on the hefty side. Still, you can't have everything, can you!!!
BEST LOOKING LADY - A tie between Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. Not only are they gorgeous with to-die-for figures, they are multi talented and an inspiration to us all.

Well I'm off to another film premier at Greenwich multiplex tonight. A gal's work is never done!!!


Happy Christmas!!!
luv 'n' stuff,
Polly xxxxx

Comments:
polly, i just know that 2006 is gonna be a great year for you! i hear one of the mirror's 3am gals is preggers, so, y'know, there's an opening and i know former editor piers moron is a BIG fan of yours and will put in a good word...
 
Polly Witterings, aye? Hmmm.

*Wyndham strokes his chin sceptically.*
 
Urban Chick, don't think I haven't already applied for the 3am Girls job ...

...

... however, I decided that I've so much more to offer at the XtRa, providing the people of Kent with all the latest news on the world of Entertainment, Leisure and Showbiz. It's so much more rewarding!!!
 
Shit. You're funnier than me - I hate it when that happens.
 
Wyndham - your cynical side is rearing its ugly head again. I don't know what you're inferring anyway.

Caroline - "A bit funny in the head" is the description more often applied to me.
 
I've known Ms Witterings since I was a junior reporter at the Xtra and she was a plump goth 16 year old office junior who we used to call 'Polly put the kettle on'.

She's certainly reinvented herself over the years, mainly thanks to Dr Atkins. But a 3 am girl? You can't be serious. She's like Cinderella. At midnight she turns into a grumpy old pumpkin and can't wait to get back home to her bed.
 
Very nicely done. I may have to take to my sick bed after reading that dose of gossip column dreck! Hee hee! Isn't that the way of it?
Naomi Watts hefty? Shit, I must be Shamu! I'd like to be hefty like Naomi.
Brad Pitt...is there any gossip rag that doesn't rave on about what a hunk he is? Personally I think he looks like he'd be right at home in a gay bar.
Ashley Simpson, however, envies him. She says that he's so lucky to be in a tug of war between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Who wouldn't want two hot babes like that fighting over you, she says.
Just speculation, but is the title of one of Ashley's favorite porn films "No Man's Land?"
How's that for some gossip that Polly might follow up on?
And no, she doesn't have to give me credit for it!
Peace,
The Cheesemeister
 
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