Friday, October 14, 2005


Before I get stuck in, I should point out that I heard a busker playing Auld Lang Syne up the town centre earlier today. Did I sleep right through? Happy new year, everyone.

Well I suppose you want some confessional stuff about the tragic poverty of my early life, my being sent to work as a chimney sweep at the age of 8, my methadone addiction and so on. Get stuck in. I'm only doing a few at a time so you won't have to get too bored, and they are in more or less chronological order.

1. I was born on July 2nd, the day Marlon Brando died, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones' corpse was found floating in a swimming pool in mysterious circumstances and Ernest Hemingway committed suicide. How many bad omens do you want?

2. According to my lying parents, nurses and visitors were flocking round to look at me in hospital because I was the most beautiful baby they'd ever seen. Pictorial evidence suggests I looked like Oliver Hardy or that bloke off Eraserhead.

3. My earliest memory is of jumping up and down on the settee while Radio Caroline was playing a Four Tops song in the background. So began a lifelong passion. For jumping up and down on settees, that is.

4. Unfortunately, I collected Enid Blyton books with a passion - Famous Five, Malory Towers, Secret Seven. I was a completist, and, sadly, probably wanted to go to a boarding school. Nowadays I think sending a child to a boarding school is one of the most sadistic things to do to them. Still love the Geoffrey Willans Down With Skool books, with the superb Ronald Searle illustrations, even though they are horribly middle class as any fule kno.

5. I once willed myself to have an out of body experience during a particularly boring Tuesday afternoon at school. Apart from everything seeming to be in widescreen, it wasn't all that interesting an experiment.

6. During the teenage years, I did what many teenaged girls seem to do, i.e., I tried to get borderline anorexia, but gave up after about 3 months of neurotic calorie counting (down to about 500 calories a day) because I get fed up of eating nothing but Ryvita and apples. Come on, it's all part of the fun of growing up, isn't it?

More tedious crap along similar lines in the near future. Stay tuned but don't hold your breath.

I read and collected Enid Blyton too.

They were certainly books of their time. They were never very nice to gypsys, poor people or immigrants. So just like reading the Daily Mail.

I wonder what Dick, Anne, Julian, George and Timmy are doing now?
No - I demand more "tedious crap" right now! I'm really enjoying this. No, I am. I *am*!
I get the feeling that in real life Enid Blyton was a complete cowbag. Anyway - what happened to the Famous Five? Will use that idea for a future post. Cheers MB.

Patroclus - well, you might be enjoying it, but clearly no one else is. Where have they all gone? At this rate, it will spur me on to do 150 uninteresting facts about myself. Then they'll all be sorry.
if i may quote justin timberlake, "i'm loving it".

ooh, malory towers. apparently enid blyton hated kids and held naked tennies parties. and i once got sent home from school after attempting to liven up double maths by sniffing tippex til i fell over.
I don't recall there being any Tippex sniffing at Malory Towers, although that could have been because it hadn't been invented. There did seem to be some sort of lesbian undercurrent to the books. and Enid Blyton may have had a passing interest in that, "allegedly".

The only Justin Timberlake lyric I can recall at the moment is "gonna have you nekkid by the end of this song" which somehow seems inappropriate here. Oh heck.
I managed 500 calories a day for nearly 2 years, although admittedly I didn't count alcohol calories (I'm sure thats how I achieved my famous ability to hold my drink - my body learned to metabolise it cos it was the only sustenance available!)

Never much of an Enid Blyton fan tho - my sister hoarded them until I was old enough to realise how iffy they were. They also depicted a world I had no understanding of at the time.
I demand more tedious crap!
I'm sure on an Apple and Ryvita diet there is no such thing as tedious crap ;o)
If I remember correctly the apple and Ryvita diet involved a lot of tedious crapping, as constipation was one of the side effects >:-o

Please note, >:-o is the official sign for someone trying to deal with really bad constipation, which I have just invented.

Found that out at www.swalk.com

That's enough fucking smileys.
Hello trees! Hello sky!

I DID go to boarding school where I kept guinea pigs. It was great.

How many disturbing coincidences do I want? You are born on the same day as my mother. I'm not sure what to make of this.

You can go to the very top of the class for this post Betty. I look forward very much to the next part.
dear Fotherington-Thomas,

Chiz you are utterly wet and a sissy as any fule kno.


me e.g. nigel molesworth

opps, sorry. No more fucking smilies. Ever. Promise. Well maybe one if I'm really laughing.

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