Monday, September 19, 2005


Soon I will get back to the heavyweight posting that both of you know and love me for - the swaggering political analysis that cuts through all the flim flam. I'll be telling you about my insight into China's amazing rise as an economic superpower, and will predict how Germany will fare if there is a coalition government. I will probably talk about radiant English rose Kate Moss and her fall from grace into join the dots tabloid cocaine hell.

In the meantime, I will explain my itinery since returning from Madrid.

I painted the door (again). The second coat went on all uneven and looks as if it was the work of a seven year old. Oh bloody bollux.

I did about 80 loads of post-holiday laundry.

We did the weekly Asda shop.

Went to the dentist for a scale and polish. Was held up by previous customer being very late. Dentist hit that nerve with his scraper. Grggg.

Went to bloody Ikea. The Thurrock branch now has "Smaland, the enchanted forest, situated by the Market Hall area". Presumably this is where people dump their brats so they can shop in relative peace. Unfortunately not enough of the customers had taken up this idea to make my shop relatively peaceful. After about a day and a half, piled stuff up on trolley, joined long queue (it was chocker in there. Does everyone now take days off work just to shop at Ikea?). Jostled for space in parking bay. Got home, eventually.

Husband assembled flatpack chair with his usual DIY comment "this isn't flush". Living room now completely full of cardboard packaging which we will have to take to the tip.

Husband opens packaging of cd rack towers. There has been a cock up on the Ikea storage front. They are DVD towers, and we will have to take them back tomorrow.

So, tomorrow we have to visit the mother-in-law, Ikea and the tip. Nothing could be worse now, unless I am invited, on pain of death, to a toddler's birthday party in the capacity of "auntie".

I am now going to run amuck in the streets with one of the DVD towers.

This is exactly the kind of thing I warn about when I encourage people at work not to go on holiday - you can't escape your responsbilities. I may print this post and use it as a manifesto so that when they see me walking towards them and scarper, I can leave it on their desk. they'll thank me later. Thanks Betty.
If you see any kids running around Ikea, tell them there's a hide and seek competition going on in the wardrobe section.

And if they manage to hide really well then the winner gets, I dunno, a half dozen blue WKDs.
Wyndham - glad that my suffering may be an example to others. Don't do as I do, folks.

MB - I thought the thing to do with kids was shut them up with Calpol - it would probably be better for me to have the WKD's to help me get round Ikea.
would like to witness this running amuck with DVD towers - can you tell me where in sarf london this is taking place? dh is watching nonsense tv and i quite fancy a trip out in the car

It is the bit of sarf london where there are loads of searchlights and helicopters circling overhead. They managed to persuade me to get into the cop car and I spent a night in the cells cooling off. I start the anger management class tomorrow.
i love ikea, me. until i get there that is, and then i really really really really hate it. a lot.
oooh yes i live under where the police copters swirl too! are we neighbours perchance?

sometimes we have chinook copters too and sometimes i'm torn between which is more worrisome: police or army, police or army??

plus i worry about the blades hitting each other with chinooks and the potential horror of them dropping into my back garden, esp since we laid the new turf

Surly Girl - it's probably best to stay at home and look through the Ikea catalogue instead. At least you can have a smirk at the item names - Billybob (two seater sofa) or Knobcheese (twenty piece cutlery set).

Urban Chick - it all sounds a bit Apolcalypse Now down your road. I must admit being scared when I heard one helicopter engine just go completely quiet for a few minutes once. Very frightening and my life was flashing before me as it is supposed to in near death experiences. Still, I have to get a sense of perspective. The reason those helicopters swoop so low is surely so the police can get a view into bedroom windows in the hope of seeing some women in the buff.
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