Thursday, September 22, 2005


One of the enduring memories of the Madrid holiday is that a stranger got into our room at three thirty in the morning.

I'm normally a light sleeper, so it was a surprise that the husband was the first to notice this. I thought he was talking in his sleep, but he had actually got out of bed and was saying something to the bloke who was in our room.

The next thing I heard in my barely awake state was what sounded like someone running a plastic ruler along a radiator (as remembered from school). I found out later that this was the sound of the door being closed, veeery slooowly. Obviously your man was trying to make a very quiet exit, but it had the opposite effect.

"What did you say to him?" I asked Mr Betty.

"Hello" said Mr Betty. Odd thing to say to someone who was a potential kidnapper, thief or murderer.

"I saw him in the doorway - he didn't look very tall" said Mr B.

"He could have been one of those short blokes who is built like a brick shithouse - Tom Jones or one of them rugby players" I retorted, hysterically.

Now I'm pretty certain that the bloke must have been pissed and had made a mistake, but it was still fairly disturbing. Mainly because it proved that the keycards were the same and could open any door. We also found out later that the inside door lock didn't work either, so there was no way to stop someone getting in. Is this commonplace in hotels which use cards instead of the more traditional keys?

We spent the rest of the stay with a suitcase up against the door and a Glock by the bed* to defend ourselves if an intruder should attack. I was also a bit concerned about someone nicking stuff during the daytime. A bit daft as our worldy goods don't amount to much and the clothes in our wardrobe were more Primark than Prada.

So, the husband forked out all that money for a four star hotel, reassured that it would be reasonably secure. All an illusion, though. A very busy and obviously profitable place too, but it was decided that it was more important to cut costs by not having individual locks for doors, thus compromising the safety of its customers. Why doesn't this surprise me very much?

The name of this establishment? Well, it's unlikely that they'll sue my ass for putting off potential customers, but I'm going to be all coy about it just the same. Let's just call it Hotel U.S. state famous for its oranges, Spanish word for north.

Bear this in mind if you are ever staying in Madrid.

* artistic license used for dramatic effect.

OK, so i was missing you.
And I am not short.
nrmkm - explanation of the law of gravity made when one's mouth is full of lentil and garlic pate.
US state famous for its oranges...
Spanish for north...
Nope, sorry, still don't know the name of the hotel. Another clue?
gosh, your clues are very obscure

BUT thankfully i started spanish classes last night so if you can wait until next term (when we do maps and directions), i'll figure it out
Vicus - I assumed you were the man who was constantly coughing at regular intervals throughout the day and night in the next room, or The One Hoarse Man Of The Apocalypse as we referred to him.

Wyndham & Urban - I don't know if I detect a whiff of sarcasm. The title of the post is a bit of a clue ... the Spanish word for north sounds a bit like naughty. I don't want to be too explicit or I will definitely be sued. A mob of heavies is already waiting in a Jag outside the front door as I speak. Help!
you should have resorted to the default holiday response to noisy neighbours of Very Noisy Sex*

*with apologies to the couple in room 1473 at the Aventure Spa Palace, Mexico in june this year.

I always cough loudly when my balls are held.
Medical examinations ... wild abandoned sex ... snooker references. What is everyone on?

When you have been together for 11 years, and are in your 40's, you learn to appreciate other aspects of married life, ahem ahem splutter, such as looking at paint charts and deciding if the azalea needs pruning.

Actually, I can remember being woken in a hotel by some young woman who was, shall we say, energetic, vocal and enthusiastic -at 6 o'clock in the bloody morning. Her partner asked her to "hold it back a bit". I don't know if he was asking her to keep the noise down, or assume a tricky acrobatic position.

I feel a bit faint now.
it was probably me. sorry about that.
Post a Comment

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?