Wednesday, May 04, 2005


The day before the general election. Remember all those people who queued up for ages and ages during the first democratic election in South Africa? Well, forget about that - this is Great Britain.

Forget, also, about the media debate about whether or not Tony Blair was lying about WMD's when sending our troops out to Iraq, and whether or not the Conservatives would have been more "honest" if they had been in charge (hmmm ... well, what do you think, given their great track record for honesty when they were last in power?). Iraq will not influence the votes cast by the majority of the public in tommorow's election. Here are the real issues at the centre of the thinking of the great British public, in order of importance.

1. Whoever is elected should send all asylum seekers back to their country of origin so we are not seen as a laughing stock and a soft touch around the world, but only if they are of swarthy or, ahem "coloured" appearance. Asylum seekers from nice countries like Norway or Germany can, of course, stay here.

2. People who work in hospitals have to wash their hands more often, so as to stop the spread of MRSA to people such as the lovely but tragic actress Leslie "Guppy Mouth" Ash. Although, in reality, now that we have sent all the asylum seekers back to where they came from, there will be so few NHS staff that they will barely have time to wipe their arses, let alone wash their hands every 2 minutes.

3. Teachers should discipline children who are all foul mouthed louts who set fire to the back of people's hair on buses and put dog muck through pensioner's letterboxes. Of course, loutish behaviour is all down to silly woolly brained liberal teachers, and it's not up to parents to discipline their own children, oh no.

4. The new Government should stop that dreadful smell of the drains which wafts over from about a mile away, but no one knows what it is exactly.

5. Jamie Oliver should be given a knighthood for bravely making the Government raise the amount of money spent on each child's school meal from 37p to 54p, or something in that region. We can all sleep easy in our beds because now all children will grow up to be nicely spoken and will get MA's at Oxford.

6. The plans to stop the local horticultural group meeting at the scout hall every second Wednesday night due to lack of funds should be shelved. It is a bloody disgrace.

7. There should be less local roadworks.

8. The local roads should be improved.

9. The Government should get rid of that skip outside number 18, with the mattress in, which has been there for at least 3 weeks. A child could fall into it and it is an eyesore.

10. The eternal cry of the decent, hardworking family types who party leaders keep banging on about as the people they are trying to appeal to: "I want the best medical treatment as promptly as possible in the world, on the NHS, and the best possible education for my children, and the best transport system, and the best road infrastucture, and lovely green fields everywhere, and no pollution, and more police on the beat. And I don't want to pay more in taxes".

Tomorrow night, raise a glass for Britain, and for democracy. It may not be much, but it's all we've got to be grateful for.

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