Friday, April 22, 2005
TURF ACCOUNTANT
Wake up, it's a beautiful morning, in the words of that ghastly and annoying song. One of the few indie songs to appear in numerous advertising campaigns and tv trailers, mainly because it is, like, so positive and makes dimwitted people feel happy about the world, allegedly. Nick Cave or the Pop Group, surprisingly, rarely find favour with researchers.
Any road, it is nearly summer! GUUURRRLLS! Time to get toned and exfoliated! Not long to go until you are spending endless hours roasting on the beaches of the Costas and spending the nights staggering around bars in a frock which barely covers your arse, before catching herpes from a squaddie from Rhyl! Not long to go, eh, and you want to look your best.
Still, don't panic - you don't have to pay through the nose to look gorgeous!
Take, for instance, Brazilian waxes - costly and embarrassing. OF COURSE, embarrassing - do you remember what happened last time you went to Cheryl's Hair And Beauty Studio ("With Newly Established Tanning Room!!!!")? Yeah, that complete cowbag went around to all and sundry saying "well, she looks like David Dickenson down there, AND with a bit of the turkey's wattle, yet she tries to convince everyone she is a natural blonde AND she says she's 29. Har HAR. As if". Now everyone within a ten mile radius laughs at you in the street.
No - the DIY version is safe, cheap, just as teeth grindingly painful and stunningly easy. Just use a leftover self-adhesive kitchen tile shaped around a high rise thong. Draw the curtains, assume an undignified position, apply to the appropriate region, and leave to set for about five minutes (you could have some scented aromatherapy candles and some new age music on the go in the background for a really nice relaxing atmosphere). When the times up, remove quickly or, like, dead slowly (depending on your preference), and there you go, smooth as. Bob's your uncle!
Or, indeed, your Auntie Mary.
Any road, it is nearly summer! GUUURRRLLS! Time to get toned and exfoliated! Not long to go until you are spending endless hours roasting on the beaches of the Costas and spending the nights staggering around bars in a frock which barely covers your arse, before catching herpes from a squaddie from Rhyl! Not long to go, eh, and you want to look your best.
Still, don't panic - you don't have to pay through the nose to look gorgeous!
Take, for instance, Brazilian waxes - costly and embarrassing. OF COURSE, embarrassing - do you remember what happened last time you went to Cheryl's Hair And Beauty Studio ("With Newly Established Tanning Room!!!!")? Yeah, that complete cowbag went around to all and sundry saying "well, she looks like David Dickenson down there, AND with a bit of the turkey's wattle, yet she tries to convince everyone she is a natural blonde AND she says she's 29. Har HAR. As if". Now everyone within a ten mile radius laughs at you in the street.
No - the DIY version is safe, cheap, just as teeth grindingly painful and stunningly easy. Just use a leftover self-adhesive kitchen tile shaped around a high rise thong. Draw the curtains, assume an undignified position, apply to the appropriate region, and leave to set for about five minutes (you could have some scented aromatherapy candles and some new age music on the go in the background for a really nice relaxing atmosphere). When the times up, remove quickly or, like, dead slowly (depending on your preference), and there you go, smooth as. Bob's your uncle!
Or, indeed, your Auntie Mary.
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