Betty's Utility Room

I have been away, trawling the dark continent on the edge of the soul. I have also landed an exciting new job as a columnist with our local paper, the eX-tra. This is a job I applied for on a couple of occasions. The paper advertised for a writer who could "take an irreverent look at stories in the news from the female readers' point of view", no doubt to counteract all the shock stories about pensioners being held at gunpoint by crack addled yobs, sub post offices closing down and the Round Table raising money for a hospice. Anyway, the first time I submitted some material to the paper as an "example of my portfolio" it was sent back with a polite letter suggesting that "the eX-tra is just that - it adds that little bit more to local and national news which you don't get from other papers! Unfortunately, your writing style may alienate some readers. We listen closely to them and respect them to the utmost. We know that our readers are bright, high-achieving, dynamic, very "up" people, and they want to read journalists who reflect their exciting lifestyles and positive attitudes to life. I'm afraid to say your writing may suggest you are rather cynical (even, one might say, bitter) and not what we are looking for at all. Many of our female readers site publications such as Heat or Okay! as their favourite reading matter outside of the eX-tra - this is the type of journalistic approach we are looking for. Thank you for your application".

Well, needless to say this called for a drastic change of approach on my part. How could I connect with all those get-ahead dynamoes who read the eX-tra? There was only one thing for it: a complete personality transplant. By attempting to be the opposite of what I am, I have landed the job of weekly columnist, complete with picture of me in disgusting bright orange jacket, red lipstick and a grin full of more teeth than Merrill Osmond circa 1972. I am writing under the nom de plume of Polly Witterings, and this is a preview of the column which will be appearing in this week's eX-tra.

POLLY WITTERINGS - TWITTERING WITH ATTITUDE!!!

* First off, congratulations to round the world yachtslady Ellen MacArthur - what an incredible achievement her record beating voyage was! However - how can I put this delicately? - despite her expert handling of a trimaran, it's about time she employed a style consultant. Now she's a Dame it's time to swap those drab sporty clothes and that dykey hairstyle for a softer more elegant image, growing her hair longer and maybe losing some weight so she can get into a size 6 dress. Then she might be able to pull a hunky guy in the Brad Pitt league. Face it, with all her hard work, she deserves it!!!

* It seem that gorgeous Jude Law WON'T be playing doomy singer Ian Curtis after all. Let's breathe a sigh of relief. You probably won't have heard of them, but Ian's band - misery rockers Joy Division - make a right unlistenable racket. Droolsomely buff actor Jude (31), is, along with lovely girlfriend Sienna Miller (dress size - 6) part of Britain's coolest couple. He would do better to wait for a role in a rock biopic which is more deserving of his talents. In other words, one as a rocker who has some panache and sex appeal - such as Jon Bon Jovi or the late, yummy Michael Hutchence!!!!!

* Yay! Hang out the bunting! At long last there is a t.v. programme which those of us who yearn for "Sex In The City" can watch! Remember all of those girly fests when we used to sit around laughing our heads off, eating chocolate and "just loving" Sarah Jessica Parker's stylish outfits? Well, fear not, because "Desperate Housewives" is here - and what smart, sussed, sassy and sexy housewives they are! And, most importantly, none of them is over a size 6! One thing's for sure - me and my girly mates (average age - 38) will all be sat infront of the telly with the wine and low fat crisps watching it while our guys are down the pub on Wednesday night!!!!!!

*It seems that there are really vile rumours spreading around the media that Kylie Minogue may have had Botox injections. It's all complete rubbish of course. Obviously there are female journalists out there who are extremely jealous of Kylie's all round gorgeousness and can't bear to think that she still has to-die-for looks at the grand old age of 46. Most of these so-called lady journalists have let themselves go, to put it mildly - they wouldn't even be able to squeeze into a size 8 pair of Earl jeans if their lives depended on it! Not that Kylie will care - she has delectable Frenchman Oliver Letwin (34) on her arm. You go, girl!!!!!!

Right, I'm uptown now to buy some to-die-for Jimmy Choos. Byeee!!!!!!!!!!