Monday, December 13, 2004

There are many really obvious reasons to feel grateful for not being a teenager anymore, from having bad skin and moodswings through to having to catch buses everywhere - the list could go on and on. The general crapness of having to be a teenager is particularly reinforced at Christmas, when you have to accept presents from well-meaning grans and aunties who think they have got their finger on the pulse of what teenagers want.

From the ages of 13 to 16 inclusive, each year, the same auntie bought me a bottle of Charlie perfume - Revlon's attempt to capture the light-hearted spirit of young women (i.e., it was supposed to be a downmarket scent within the budget range of cash-strapped teenagers). It seems that this season's cheap and cheerful item from which the teenaged girl will be unable to escape is the poncho. Well, I saw a woman infront of me buying about half a dozen, all in the same colour, so she must have a lot of nieces of a similar age who can all complain about them behind her back on the phone.

The poncho has been the "big fashion story this season" as they say on GMTV, worn by little kids through to women in their fifties. Basically, they cover a multitude of sins, as it were. This means that they only look good on, ahem, "big boned" women. The people they are least likely to suit are skinny young girls who are still of an age where they can get away with micro mini skirts, tops the size of a postage stamp and lowcut jeans which just about defy gravity. Not that this will put off enthusiastic middle aged women buying ponchoes like there is no tomorrow for ungrateful teens.

The outcome of this is obvious: the ponchoes will be sent to charity shops, en masse, in the new year. 2005 is going to be the year of the poncho mountain. Millions of them will be left by the roadsides and the emergency services will not be able to cope. The moth population will explode due to all that wool being around. The ecosystem will undoubtedly collapse.

So think before you make that choice in Dorothy Perkins. Drugs, fags and booze are always the sensible choices for teenagers.

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