Friday, December 10, 2004
Possibly the most disgusting present on offer this year is the Anne Geddes calendar, now available from WH Smith and a lot of other middling high street shops, I would guess, except I couldn't be arsed to look in them.
The reason for its sheer awfulness is brilliantly straightforward - it combines two of the worst things in the world - babies and Celine Dion. Babies, famous for their red screwed up faces, unearthly yowling and noxious smelling emissions, are pictured with Celine Dion, famous for her banana shaped face, stomach ulcer-inducing yowling and let's leave it there.
What a concept! Apparently the calendar "is a celebration of new life". Well beggar me, why didn't the photographer acknowledge the whole animal kingdom rather than just sticking with human beings (about the ugliest of living creatures, after all)? A picture of some frogspawn would have been much more alluring.
I could go into a very below the belt and completely gratuitous character assassination of Celine Dion who
(i) Always comes across as ha'porth short of a shilling in interviews
and
(ii) Is married to that very old man who apparently has been her "manager" since she was 11 years old. Yeeuuch!
However, I have my standards, besides which, I don't know much else about her.
Nah, it has got me thinking - as there are a lot of people out there with diabolical taste, the calendar will probably sell by the bucketload. Perhaps if I was to combine two really awful things by the miracle of technology, then bung the product on the shelves, I would be a multi millionairess after Christmas next year. Have had a couple of preliminary ideas lined up.
Some really horrible things:
Frank Skinner singing
The entire recorded works of the Wedding Present
Hence:
FRANK SKINNER SINGS THE ENTIRE RECORDED WORKS OF THE WEDDING PRESENT!
ON CD FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
Or
Kate Thornton talking for hours
"Bridget Jones' Diary"
Hence:
KATE THORNTON'S COMMENTARY OF "BRIDGET JONES' DIARY", WITH REMINISCENCES ABOUT HOW SHE SAW IT AT THE CINEMA 8 TIMES WITH HER MATES AND THEY WERE ALL JOINING IN WITH THE DIALOGUE AND IT IS SO TRUE TO LIFE AND SHE HAS PLAYED THE SOUNDTRACK TO DEATH AND SHE CAN REALLY IDENTIFY WITH BRIDGET AND SHE REALLY FANCIES MARK D'ARCY!!!! ON DVD.
Nothing is going to stop me now. I should imagine I will be as rich as Roman Abramovich by 2006.
The reason for its sheer awfulness is brilliantly straightforward - it combines two of the worst things in the world - babies and Celine Dion. Babies, famous for their red screwed up faces, unearthly yowling and noxious smelling emissions, are pictured with Celine Dion, famous for her banana shaped face, stomach ulcer-inducing yowling and let's leave it there.
What a concept! Apparently the calendar "is a celebration of new life". Well beggar me, why didn't the photographer acknowledge the whole animal kingdom rather than just sticking with human beings (about the ugliest of living creatures, after all)? A picture of some frogspawn would have been much more alluring.
I could go into a very below the belt and completely gratuitous character assassination of Celine Dion who
(i) Always comes across as ha'porth short of a shilling in interviews
and
(ii) Is married to that very old man who apparently has been her "manager" since she was 11 years old. Yeeuuch!
However, I have my standards, besides which, I don't know much else about her.
Nah, it has got me thinking - as there are a lot of people out there with diabolical taste, the calendar will probably sell by the bucketload. Perhaps if I was to combine two really awful things by the miracle of technology, then bung the product on the shelves, I would be a multi millionairess after Christmas next year. Have had a couple of preliminary ideas lined up.
Some really horrible things:
Frank Skinner singing
The entire recorded works of the Wedding Present
Hence:
FRANK SKINNER SINGS THE ENTIRE RECORDED WORKS OF THE WEDDING PRESENT!
ON CD FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
Or
Kate Thornton talking for hours
"Bridget Jones' Diary"
Hence:
KATE THORNTON'S COMMENTARY OF "BRIDGET JONES' DIARY", WITH REMINISCENCES ABOUT HOW SHE SAW IT AT THE CINEMA 8 TIMES WITH HER MATES AND THEY WERE ALL JOINING IN WITH THE DIALOGUE AND IT IS SO TRUE TO LIFE AND SHE HAS PLAYED THE SOUNDTRACK TO DEATH AND SHE CAN REALLY IDENTIFY WITH BRIDGET AND SHE REALLY FANCIES MARK D'ARCY!!!! ON DVD.
Nothing is going to stop me now. I should imagine I will be as rich as Roman Abramovich by 2006.
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