Tuesday, December 07, 2004


The top songs to make a party go with a "bang", or to go on the jukebox when the bar is stuffed to the gills with potentially violent teenage girls and bewildered quiet couples in their fifties who very rarely leave the house, but because it's Christmas ... Just don't make eye contact with anybody and you'll be alright, hopefully.

1. "Dancing In The Moonlight" a.k.a. "We Get It Almost Every Night (I don't believe them)" - Toploader. Sadly no longer with us but, due to Heart FM and The Pub, a song which must have made them royalty millionaires.

2. "And Sooooo, Sally Can Wait" - Oasis. Great for a really noisy pub singalong of the chorus after 9 pints of black and tan. One for the boys in the house. The "Delilah" of its day - in the '70's, my uncles would work their way up to "My, my MYEE Delilah" at similar foghorn levels. What goes around comes around.

3. "Sex Bomb" - Tom Jones. Speaking of whom, the ideal song for the early hours when three people are dancing in an unco-ordinated fashion and a woman who never normally drinks starts confiding in you after the third white wine and soda about how her husband no longer fulfils her "needs". Even if you are pissed yourself, the sensible thing to say back is "umm, are you sure you want to tell me this? Because on Monday morning you are going to ask me if you said something daft at the party which you don't remember".

4. "The Day We Caught The Train" (isn't this the title of a Ladybird early reader book?) - Ocean Colour Scene. Another dreary plodder for the slightly overweight 30-something dads of Conor (aged 4) and Ellie (aged 3 months) in the house. His wife is too busy with the kids, don't let him get near white wine and soda woman, etc.

5. "Wonderwall" - Oasis. About the only vaguely indie song liked by Normal Women because it is romantic and that. Known by Normal Women as "The Wonderwall": "that Liam Callaghan is horrible, he's got a screw loose, fancy getting his teeth knocked out, but you have to admit this is a lovely song". Normal Women only like songs which "remind" them of when they met their fiance and that sort of stuff.

6. "I Don't Want A Rock, Deejay" - Robbie Williams. The king of the variety clubs is hated to death by men because they are absolutely convinced all women fancy him. Obviously them liking Kylie Minogue is because they appreciate the fact that she makes great ironic pop in a non-ironic way. Meself, I fancied them two other ones from Take That who didn't do anything and disappeared without trace. Um, moving swiftly on ...

7. "I Will Survive" - Gloria Gaynor. All women from 18 to 50 have sung this defiantly on the back of the bus with eight other friends before getting home and crying for hours about the tossbag they have just finished with. Just the thing to finish the evening off really.

8. "We Are All Prostitutes" - The Pop Group. Hang on, that can't be right, har har har.

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