Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Ladies ladies ladies! What would the men of the world do without our sweetness, demure manners and what Les Gray out of Mud described as the sound of "girlish laughter"? Yes, wimmin make the world go round. If men were wimmin, the streets would be filled with the fragrance of sweet French perfumes and everyone would wear gaily coloured frocks. Everybody would be kind, loving, forgiving. Think of the evil men have contributed to the world - war, violence, hatred, bombs, guns, the wearing of big skateboard shorts and chunky sandals at barbeques ... then think of Woman. What is she? She is a song, a dance, a bird of paradise, a mystery, the centre of the earth and yes - the earth itself.

Having reached metaphor overload, let me now salute my sisters (for we are all one - oppressed by men and our hideous ovaries) with a list of The Things Women say - an acknowledgment of our grace and refinement.


"She turned around to me and said". Always a popular phrase, now reaching epidemic proportions as women make an effort to use it at least a dozen times in a conversation, to heighten drama during a good bit of gossip.

"Lewis, Chelsea, Jordan - GET BACK 'ERE!!!" Harrassed mother in Asda attempts to quell child revolt in lovely flutey melodic voice, possibly.

"RIGHT! Lewis! I've fucking 'AD ENOUGH!!! No McDonald's for YOU today!" Mother fails to quell child revolt. Child responds by going "WAAAAAAHH" at 130 decibels and lying on floor.

"There she goes, turning her nose up at us again. Do you know, she just ignored me in the street the other day". Woman derides work colleague to other work colleagues for (a) being a bit quiet and (b) not actually seeing her in the street.

"Posh Spice isn't all that - she's all skin and bone and she's got horrible spots. And she's such a miserable looking cow." Woman's objective criticism of celebrity who's younger and thinner than her, has piles of money, lives in Spain and is married to a handsome multi-millionaire footballer. Wimmin are never jealous of other wimmin - all they do is encourage them.

"You look lovely." Woman's gushing tribute to best friend on choice of party outfit. See! Genuine encouragement, no hint of bitterness.

"I didn't want to say anything, but she looks like a right slapper. It's much too young for her." Same woman confides in another woman about best friend's choice of party outfit.

"I dunno ... why can't she just be happy for me?" Yeah, whatever. I've just lost 8 pounds at Weightwatchers: she's put 5 pounds on. I've just got engaged: she's just been dumped when he found out she was pregnant. I've just got a promotion at work: she's just found out she's being made redundant. WHY CAN'T THE SELFISH COW JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?

Ahem. A woman needs a man like a man need the office bike - or words to that effect.

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