Tuesday, July 27, 2004


They don't really exist.  Oh yes they do ...

SECOND BLADDER:  The one which wakes you up at four in the morning, forcing you to pay an unnecessary visit to the bathroom, thus interrupting the rest of your sleep.

THE VERNON KAY AND DAVINA MCCALL PRINCIPLE:  The law which states that the most annoyingly punchable arseholes will be the most unavoidable and all-pervading presenters on telly.

THE JAMELIA SNORKEL:  The periscope-type camera attachment which goes up the Brummie singer's skirt during every t.v. performance by her.                          

BECOMING PARENTS (A.K.A. SALLY WEBSTER SYNDROME):  Complete mental breakdown when formerly likeable friends and acquaintances (who used to have lives and interests and stuff) suddenly become obsessive, smug, self-righteous bores.

THE CHILD GENIUS DELUSION:  Irrational tendency of formerly principled socialist types to say "of course, normally I would strongly disapprove of fee-paying schools - it just puts certain children at an unfair advantage.  But, in our case, with Nathan, it's different.  He NEEDS to be stretched" because their offspring obviously has the potential to become the Secretary to the United Nations, or will find a cure for cancer at the very least.

COMPULSIVE OBSESSIVE SMOG CAUSER DISORDER:  Overwhelming need to start noxious smelling bonfires on any given warm, balmy summer evening, when most people would like to keep the windows open.

THE ARC OF MISERY:  The point at which every music fan realises that The Best Band In The World Ever (i.e., the one whose music paralleled your post-adolescent self-pitying phase) has Lost The Hunger and turned into the same coke-addled bunch of musos as all the other bands in the world.  It happens to them all after about three years.  My A of M came about when Echo and the Bunnymen bought out their third album, back in the mists of time.  It's best to go through this disappointment as early as possible, dear reader.   It'll make a man of you.

THE REVENGE OF THE MIDDLE CLASS NERDS:  Language as class warfare!  The use in the media (and occasionally in Real Life) of definitions with an underlying sense of violence towards Anyone Who Hasn't Been To University or Who Used To Bully Me Because I Had Violin Lessons At School And Have A Nice Speaking Voice.   Past favourite terms:  "Kevs and Sharons", "Townies".  See currently:  "He/she/it is a bit chipshop" or www.chavscum.co.uk.

THE GENERATION GAP:  Point at which adults start to think that only the current generation of children and teenagers are annoying, self-centred brats, and that a parental lack of discipline has created a monster and the world as we know it is going down the pan.  Of course, in the past our parents taught us good manners and as teenagers we used to spend all our time helping the elderly and joined church groups.

THE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD IS WRONG APART FROM ME PSYCHOSIS:  To paraphrase "Deck Of Cards" by Max Bygraves - I know.  Because I am that person.

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